It is.

Today is a day. It is ok that I don't label it good or bad. Really, it is probably best that I don't. Seems there have been too many labelled days lately. In the thick of the moment, I often forget that there is no need for labels. It is what it is.

It is a day.

It is a moment.

It is.

Things have felt distressing lately. Now, more on the "other side" of it, I can take a breath and safely look back at it. I take a long deep breath. Breathe in, hold, breathe out slowly. I have to remember not to judge. It's easy to look back and conclude, "I really screwed up." Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Maybe those experiences were what I needed in order to move forward. The thing is that they happened, I was a part of it, and then life moved on. One day at a time. One moment at a time.

It is ok.

It is.

It is easy to love others. I often say that it is my weakness - I love too much. It feels great to serve others. It is even easy most times to forgive others. Not so easy when it comes to yourself. I, am my worst enemy. I can admit it. I have spent the majority of my life hating myself. A deep, dark loathing of my very existence. For the longest time I would not look in mirrors because I could not bare to see my reflection. Yet, this is my personal battle. I keep it hidden. I love others, I serve others, I forgive others, I have deep compassion for others. It makes/made me feel good. If I made a difference in someone else's life, maybe - even for a brief moment - I would not be so horrible. Good people do good things, right? My existence would have meaning. Even so, on my list of priorities, I was last on the list - and that was on the good days when I actually made the list.

It would seem that God does not like to give up. Over the years I have given Him every opportunity to give up on me. I have begged Him to leave me alone, I was not worth the effort. I remember standing out in a pasture screaming at Him to just let me be, what good could I be to anyone. Yet, He continually came back for me. He and his servants have pulled me out of hell more than once. It would seem that I am of some worth after all.

This summer was just another point on the map. Just as many points before. Push, push, push, crash. Give, give, give, crash. Save, save, save, crash. Get up, beat yourself up for not being strong enough to handle it, go again. Save the world at the expense of your self. Punish yourself for your weakness and get back to work.

But, this point was not just like all the others - when I got up, I said enough. I had no clue what that meant or if it was even an option. I just knew I was over the repeating cycle.

And so it is. Three months so far of learning, listening, experiencing, feeling, trying, reading, pondering, searching, praying, fighting. I battle the demons. I battle myself. I battle measuring where I am to where I think I should be. I battle the darkness that tries to take over the light (and sometimes does). I battle those who reach out to help me because I don't understand how to accept compassion. I battle the thought, that with one choice, I can lose it all.

It is a day.

It is a moment.

It is.

Sit safely and breathe

I about gave up today. Well, the jury is still kind of out on whether I did or not...or whether I am fully convinced not to. I'm starting to doubt myself pretty rough. And, even though I know this fight is 110% worth it, I'm wondering about my ability to pull it off.

A friend (who has been through a much larger battle and came out on the other side) continues to tell me to be patient with myself. To be genuine with myself. To remember that I have all the time in the world to work on this. Today she told me "You were powerful and strong enough to make the wrong choices, therefore you are just as powerful and strong to make the right ones."

Sometimes I hate it when things make sense.

I feel like I am moving backwards instead of forward, especially these past few days. God knows I am fighting. Somewhere, I had this innocent and unrealistic thought that once I came to peace with myself that I was actually worth something, that things would be a little easier from there on out. Nope, it has equated to getting kicked a little rougher and hit a little harder. I'd be lying if I said that the thought of just going back to hating myself hadn't crossed my mind quite a bit lately.

I can hide things pretty good. Master of illusion I am. In the last 3 months I have come to hate the question "are you ok?" Hell no I'm not ok. I'm walking around in a haze, I can't concentrate, I can barely focus on anything, and my professional work is suffering. Then, I realize that over the past 3 weeks I'm punching things, popping pills, binge eating, and can barely control my anger. I have broken my promise not to hurt myself. I guess it is good that I don't have a social life, as I am sure it would be in the gutter too. Last night I realized just how much I have reverted to habits out of my survival arsenal that I haven't used for a long time - and that scares me. It scares me because it is "after the fact" that I am realizing it. It is not a conscious "I'm going to do this..." choice. It is the "oh crap, look what I have done/am doing." Then I tell myself that I cannot do these things. These choices are not healthy. I might as well be talking to the wall.

I can't expect people to understand. I don't share my problems or worries. I hide emotion. I'm the one who is always smiling, making jokes, and making everyone else feel better. I am the one who saves, not the one who asks to be saved. I imagine it is a little unsettling to see me a "bit off" or in distress. It's like being at a funeral and not knowing what to say, so you go with the the awkward default, "are you ok?" I am polite and give a smile and lovingly answer "yes, I'm ok" or make some crack comment like "well, I'm not dead, so I guess that means I'm ok."Anyone with half a brain knows I am lying through my teeth, but they are respectful enough to let it go.

It is not supposed to be this way.

How is it supposed to be? I don't have an answer for that question. I don't think it is supposed to be this. It's like when you are asked what you want to do when you grow up. Many times you are not really sure what you want to do, but you got a good grasp on what you don't want to do.

In the past three months I have learned a lot. Between therapy, DBT class, and my own research, I have tons of new information to work with. I have skills to calm myself, refocus myself, and more. I have people in place to help me at any moment. Multiple times every day I read my mantras, "This difficult time will pass...." and I repeat the last line over and over "I am here for a reason." Yet, here I am on the edge, teetering back and forth. This is not a cliff I need to jump off of - it's one I really need to just start walking backward from. I can't ask anyone to pull me off of it, what is learned there? I just will find myself here again at some point.  Full of false beauty and deceptive promises, I hate this place. No, I, on my own power, have to be the one to move away from the edge.

It's hard to explain. It's like when I find myself in these places, I look to use all these new and way more healthy choices to either deal with moment or overcome it, but sometimes it is like as soon as I reach out for them, a huge crowd caves in between me and them. It's all the old tricks and habits. It's the negative thoughts and emotions. A thick crowd that I have to fight through to get to the good stuff and the good people. It's not a one time trick, the crowd comes back over and over and it has gotten tiring. My armor has taken a huge beating and lifting my sword and shield is getting harder and harder.

I am sure it is not as overwhelming as it seems. A part of me is like "just push your way through, it's not as bad as it looks" and all kinds of other "go get 'em" phrases. I am missing something though, I haven't learned something to get through here. Optical illusion or not, it's a big wall to go through. I don't know how to stand up to it and tell it to move aside. It's like when you are always told "turn it over to God" or similar. Really? So you are taught this from a small age - give your burdens to Christ/God. Are we ever taught how to do that? No, seriously, I'm not being an ass here. Think about it. How do you do that? Obviously you can't physically walk up to God or Christ and go "here, I have something for you." That, though, is a whole other conversation.

I was talking with my friend today about this concept of the wall of old habits. I told her that I would really like to scream out for someone to come get me, to reach their hand out for me to grasp, but I can't do it. I feel I have to figure out how to get through it on my own power. What do I learn by someone pulling me through? I know there are good choices and people on the other side. No questions about that and I have a deep desire to get to them. If I allow myself to be pulled through, then who really did the work? What do I really learn?

An email earlier this weekend touched on having the ability and power to focus my thoughts. It's something that was said to me as well a few weeks back. That would most definitely help. I think that as the crowd closes in, if I can just focus on someone/something on the other side, then I can get through. I know there are good things to focus on, I just waiver in my ability and power to hold that focus. I feel like if I blink or breathe I will lose it, then I will lose myself again.

Still too close to the edge, I have stepped back a little. I'm not sure where to go at the moment, so I think I will sit.

Sit safely and breathe.

Just 10 minutes

Sometimes I would give my entire paycheck for 10 minutes. 600 seconds to talk to someone freely and unconditionally. Able to just rattle on about this or that, good or bad, all or nothing. Raw, uncensored emotion. Just 10 minutes. 

The last two hours of a good day are dangerous. Not only is it your "come down" time, but it is usually late in the night. In that first hour, you reflect. You smile. You chuckle as you think back on the day. Things that were said, things people did, the part you played, the good you felt. In its way, it is the instant replay of good feelings. Maybe you watch some TV or surf the web. You really are not doing much other than letting yourself wind down and reflect. You realize you are not ready to call it a night even though it is way past bedtime. It has been a good day and you are not ready to let it go.

For me, those genuinely good days almost always hit all aspects of life - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. All these areas are visited at some point and each have been given a gold star sticker through the day. I think this is why it is so hard to let the day end. Who doesn't like those good feelings? Who doesn't like stickers - real or implied?

Learn to let it go.

Hour two (and beyond) are the danger zones. This is where the swinging of the pendulum comes. For as amazing as a day was, now you are tired across the board. Your mind starts to wander, but not to good places. Your body hurts. You are exhausted. You are quickly reminded of just how frail you still are. Focus shifts from how far you have come to how far you have to go. Your heart sinks, your breathing changes, your body starts to tremble. And, even though you know the best thing to do at this point is shut down and call it a night, you keep fighting it. You just want to hang onto this day for as long as you can because you don't know when...or if...another one will come.

There are times when I would like to just go ballistic and let all my emotion out. You know, like in a movie where someone reaches a breaking point, grabs a ball bat, and starts shattering anything they can come in contact with. Every blow releasing anger, sadness, guilt, frustration, and who knows what other emotions. They just keep smashing things, then smash what they have smashed. There is something primal about it. There is something freeing about it. It is raw and it is deep. Then, as if frozen in the moment, they stop. They fall to their knees, then, surrounded by the destruction, they collapse against a wall, still holding their bat. They cry. They cry as if tomorrow will never come. Emotion that wasn't able to be physically destroyed now pours out. They cry with no regard as to who is watching or listening. They just cry. It's possible they may not stop.

There is only one problem with doing this, I don't cry. Well, destroying all I own could be a small barrier too.

10 minutes isn't that long. Not enough time to really bother someone. Who can't spare 10 minutes? But, at this time of night, who are you going to call? Really? Just because I am up all hours of the night having a mental after-hours battle, does not mean anyone else is. And, seriously, just go to bed. Take back control of the situation and stand up. Distress tolerance - use it. Yet, here I sit. 

What would I say in those 10 minutes? What would the focus be on - the good or the bad of the day? What SHOULD the focus be on? I'm not sure. Maybe it would be split. Maybe I would make them talk just to be comforted by the sound of their voice. I might simply ask, "just tell me it is going to be ok." I used to append to that "even if it is a lie" but I've started to drop that part. I'm not looking to be lied to, I am in need some small morsel of compassion. I want to believe that when it is said, it is genuine and true. I don't want it to be a sugar-coated line, I want it to be empowering. If it is not going to be ok, I need to know this. I need some confirmation on this. I just need to hear something. I'll even bump down to 5 minutes. Hell, I will take 2. 

There is a thing called "common courtesy" in the world (I think it still exists).  It's those unwritten rules that, if followed, make the world go around a little smoother. Included in these are things like using your manners, being respectful of your elders, and not calling people after 9 pm at night. Even if someone has given you permission to call anytime, you don't call after 9 pm unless it is an emergency. And, seeing that previous "less-effective choices" are no longer an option, my mental instabilities do not really qualify as an emergency.

What to do. What to do. What to do.

No 10 minute calls tonight, but no more fighting either. Time to put down my weapon and go to bed.

Stopping the pain

This is one that has rolled around in my mind for quite a while. Today it really just wanted to stay on the surface, so I thought I would let it have its arena.

Time is an odd creature. Sometimes it goes quickly, sometimes it is hardly noticed, and other times every second seems like an eternity. There are moments when time seems to bend, as if becoming a different dimension. It changes as reality becomes skewed, unclear, irrational, and dark. I've never been able to come up with a term to describe this "moment" in time, but it has existed for me - more times than I really care to admit. It is in those moments that it seems like the only thing comprehensible is "I'm in pain; make it stop."

I could write a whole blog on this "pain" as it is not a physical pain, but a mental anguish. It is the place beyond having a "bad day" or even a "rough moment." I am guessing it is different for every person. You don't ask to end up here, but you make your way somehow. For me, it is usually because I have ignored the warning system I have so diligently designed over the years. The one that alerts me that I am burning the candle at both ends and in the middle, that I am not listening to my body's needs, that I need to slow down and rest. The one that tells me I need to stop. This pain is one of my demons.

Outwardly, all appears fine. Inside, thoughts and feelings are moving at great speed, mixing and mingling and causing confusion and fear. Your heart races, your hands sweat, you want to scream at the top of your lungs, yet you sit as still as you can. You fight the shaking and urge to break down. If you don't move, it will pass by. It will stop. It will go away. As well, you don't move because even in all the confusion, you recognize where you are - this is where you no longer trust yourself. The concepts of right/wrong and rational/irrational, are gone. In your mind you beg and plead with yourself for it to stop. You pray for it to stop. Meanwhile all the destructive thoughts from hate and anger are reminding you how you promised you would never end up here again, and here you are. Loser. Failure. No good. You feel your life shattering little by little. You know you need to snap out of this, snap out of it quickly, or it will completely consume you - but it already has.

The knuckles in my right hand are kind of soft. No, I don't have "girly knuckles" (is that even a thing??) but I have knuckles that have been cracked, healed, and cracked again. You see, my choice to make that pain stop through the years was to hit something. Something hard. My items of choice were generally brick walls or concrete posts. My intention was to replace the mental pain with a physical pain. It worked. It was and is not healthy by any definition or means, but it worked.

I tried to think back the other day to the first time I remembered hurting myself in order to get out of a mental place. I got back to around 11 years old. All I really can recall of the emotion was sadness. A deep, heart wrenching sadness that did not seem to have a reason for origin. It was a feeling that would show itself a lot through my teenage years. Beyond those years, it became a beast that pretty much took on a life of its own. It's the hell that still haunts me today.

At 11, I hadn't learned to punch things yet, but instead I learned really quick if you slammed your head into something hard, your focus seemed to shift. The sadness wasn't so bad because you now had a killer headache. I'm not even sure how I had that initial thought to do such a thing. Where does one even come up with a concept like this?

We had a wood burning stove that sat on a fireproof "mat" that was ceramic or something like that. It was hard though. I vividly remember one day, with no one around, being on my hands and knees and slamming my head into it. I learned a lesson that day that I wish I never had - I figured out I could create the physical pain needed to delay the mental anguish, that I could get to a max point without injury (in this case, how hard could I do it and not draw blood), and then be able to pass out and escape for a while. It's a formula that later was easily adapted into abuse of alcohol and prescription meds. It's the formula that taught me the difference between a cracked knuckle and a broken hand. It's a formula I am still very, very aware of. It's a formula that continues to gnaw at me, sometimes daily.

From my research, it seems that there are two major groups of people who do self-harming behaviors. Those who do it for attention, and those who don't. Ok, let's see if I can manage to explain that a little more. No, I'm not including all the citations and all. Feel free to google it if you want to know more (that's what I did).

Some people harm themselves to draw attention to themselves. It may be a "cry for help" or even a way to control a person or situation. I dated someone like this once. This person was a cutter. When feeling distressed they would take a box knife and make cuts in their arms or legs. They would outwardly threaten to do this or would do it then express the action in association with an event. I was not sympathetic to it. Maybe I should have been. I was fighting my own issues and didn't need to be the cause of theirs. One day, tired of the game (as this is what it had become in my eyes), on my way to the shower, I tossed the box knife over to them and expressed how I knew they were going to do it while I was in the shower and I didn't want them to have to get out of bed. To me, it was a tool of manipulation being used on me. No, I was not very sympathetic. Now looking back, I'm surprised that relationship lasted as long as it did. But then again, mentally healthy was not something either one of us were at the time.

The other category is explained as one where the action is done to allow the person to "escape" or change a mental state. Whatever the self-harming technique, it is usually hidden and not talked about. If it is something visible, it is covered up with a story or explanation other than the truth of the incident. This is my category. Let me tell you, the story of walking into a door frame or cabinet door worked perfectly. But, in reality, I don't ever remember having to come up with too many excuses, no one asked. I'm not sure when I "transitioned" into punching walls, but that one was always a little harder to conceal. But, by that point, I pretty much hated the world and didn't care anyways.

It's been a bit over 12 years since I punched walls and poles on a regular basis. I learned as you get older, it hurts more and doesn't heal as fast. My actions had also caused me to cross a line that put me in a situation I never wanted to end up in again.

That is when I started to learn my body. I started to note warning signs and triggers. I observed how I felt in situations. When I got too tired or too anxious or too stressed, how did my body react. What were the physical signs that would tell me to slow down, breathe, and relax. Even if I did not heed to them, I could recognize them. This system has become my life line for survival.

I wish I could say that I had completely stopped self-harming behaviors, but I didn't. They just changed form. I had the right idea - using sensation to refocus, but I didn't understand healthy boundaries or the responsibility that needed to come with it.

Even though the moments of deep, dark despair have become less over the years, my actions have come with a price. I live with a little voice in the back of my head that reminds me how easy it is to make ALL the pain end. It is accompanied by destructive thoughts. At times it is as quiet as a whisper, while other times it is so vivid I can see every action. Just another demon in my mix.

For the most part, I've got a grip on the self-harming behaviors, but the mental battle, that still rages on.

Judge yourself not

We had a good class tonight. These past two weeks have been learning about "distress tolerance" and I have loved it. But, in our homework was an assignment we had missed doing a couple weeks ago - being non-judgmental.

The concept is tied into mindfulness and goes like this - don't judge. Easy, eh? Well, it's a little bigger than that. As we experience life, a human reaction is to judge things - ourselves, others, situations, etc. So, this practice helps in not being so quick to use labels of absolutes, values, or assumptions. Example words would be "stupid", "lazy", "ugly", "worthless", or even the opposites. As well, using descriptions of how we perceive things should or should not be fall into the judging category.

It makes sense. When we judge, we close off a part of ourselves that can observe and learn and maybe see things in a different way. As we quickly form a conclusion, there is no room left for discussion. Even if we are placing positive labels on something, that concept of the absolute also presents the concept of the opposite - if it can be that great, it can be that bad too.

So, our "catch-up" homework was working through a judgement about ourselves, someone else, or some situation and hopefully end with some change.

I had done the assignment earlier in the week, but I have continued to struggle in my mind and heart on this whole "taking blame" scenario - moreover, the difficult session we had last week. For almost a week now I have held onto frustration that ends in the thought that I am a failure. So much for the "failure is not an option" mantra. So I went through the assignment again using this judgement.

Question 1, Identify the judgment: Feel like a failure because I couldn't complete what should have been a simple exercise (see last post about the "why" game). I could not come up with answers quickly and logically, and by the end I couldn't even come up with "an" answer. As well, I could not seem to stay on the right track of focus/thought. The end result of frustration supported a simple concept - I was a failure.

Question 2, Describe reasons for letting go of this judgement: Judgements like this are the same as throwing up a brick wall. Progress is impeded and self hate is fueled. It is a go-to survival tactic that, in reality, only equates to a false assumption.

Question 3, Replace judgment with descriptions of facts, consequences, etc.: One cannot know what they have not learned (or have repressed and can't remember). At that time, I did not have enough information to come up with a reply, let alone what I thought was "the correct answer", and this brought on anxiety and uneasiness. My difficulty with being able to express what I am feeling (too many sensations, not enough words) made it hard to explain my emotions, adding to the frustration. I was giving it everything I had, I wasn't trying to get out of answering or avoid the exercise. If I am giving it everything I have, I am not failing.

Question 4, Identify words, actions, etc. that help you to let go of judgement: Look at the situation from a different point of view - not a failure, but a learning experience. Be aware of physical reactions - closed body positions, breathing, tensing up. Which generally accompany this type of judgement - use these as a warning sign. Just do the best you can with what you know.

Question 5, (actually just a reminder): Remember to not judge your judging

Question 6, Describe changes noticed in your acceptance or emotions: It is easier to move forward in a task if you don't shut yourself down with judgement to start with. Just take it as it is - an inability to complete a task is just an inability to complete a task. It is not a failure, but an item to "bookmark" and go learn more about and research and review. An information gathering exercise so that next time, you can complete the task.

In class, we went around sharing our situations. I gave the condensed "edited for TV time" version, but got my point across.

Do I still feel like a failure in regards to this situation? I'm not sure yet. I'm not feeling all warm and fuzzy with it yet. There still sits some uneasiness. A part of me needs to hear that I didn't fail, that I did ok, that sometimes what we expect to happen and what happens don't match up. It's that same part that is still working on believing myself. I can state all day long that I am not a failure (in respect to this situation), but I also don't fully trust myself yet enough to completely buy into it.

On the bright side, no one died from it - this is good. And, who knows, maybe frustration burns calories or something positive like that.

The Blame Game

What is something that scares you? Like that deep down, freaks you out? Funny, but I bet there are a few who read this that would quickly say "clowns" as their answer. I, myself, have come to a conclusion that they are super creepy on way too many levels. I would be lying if I said that they don't raise my anxiety level and I make extra efforts to try and avoid them at all costs. Somewhere I learned and developed an uncomfortableness for clowns that eventually became the norm.

Through life I picked up on others expressing that clowns were scary, creepy, etc. When a part of events, the events are usually loud with lots of visual and auditory stimulus. Can't forget the multitude of horror flicks that incorporate clowns or their attire. Remember a few years ago, the USPS commercial where the whole family was on the porch afraid to go in the house due to the clown (http://youtu.be/oKGKB5bc9DU)? They are just not the fun loving creatures they outwardly appear to be!

Are they really that bad?

At the end of the day, I have to admit, I personally have never been scared by a clown - one has never come up to me and gone "boo!" Actually, of all the encounters I have ever had with a clown, they have all been positive, uplifting, or just cheesy, but they have never been negative. Yet, I am not a fan of clowns. Their presence entice feelings of fear, anxiety, uneasiness, and dread - very real feelings.

If we were to start with "clowns scare me" and do the "why" game with each reply to work backwards to try and find the core reason they scare me, we would run into a stumbling block very quickly as there is no base experience to support the fear, even though they still scare me.

Somewhere I formed the correlation that clowns = scary. With no real reason to think differently, this thought pattern became my reality.

It doesn't make sense, does it?

In this current fight of mine, I am finding many patterns of thought or actions similar to this same scenario. The one right now that I've been battling with is blame. It's such an entangled mess that trying to sort out rational/irrational is not even an option I can comprehend. I carry an enormous "weight of the world" load of blame for things, many which were never mine to own. And that weight has been around for so long that it has become attached at a level where just "dropping it" is a foreign concept.

About a week ago, while discussing a recent event where I was struggling with taking blame, my counselor shifted gears a bit. She selected an event that happened over 20 years ago - an event I had been a victim in. Now, based upon facts, there is no way this incident could have been my fault. It was just one of those crappy things that happen to innocent people. She told me to give me honest answers and the first thoughts that came to mind.

First question - Do you think that {the event} was your fault?

I think she was expecting "no" to be my answer. Um, yah, that didn't go as planned. I think I answered "possibly" (or something close to that). I shared my thoughts to how this may have been my fault. How if I was doing something different, been more attentive, etc,. that it may have been diverted. I wasn't making this stuff up. I was not going for some prideful "I have the power to stop all bad from happening" moment. No, I really felt/feel and believe these things.

For over 20 years, when I think about that night, it is always accompanied with these additional thoughts. Even if I tell the story in a humorous fashion (yes, make jokes about it and it isn't as bad as it was/could have been), those extra thoughts always exist. Ok, so I was never told it was my fault, but don't seem to remember being told that it was NOT either.  Seriously, even just writing about it now, those many "if you would have...." thoughts are dancing around in my mind like moths against a light.

And, then it was on.

I can't say what my counselor was thinking at that moment, but her expression said enough. Trying to implement the "why" game only started to uncover a more tangled mess of thought and "stuff". Yes, "stuff" because there just isn't really a better word for it - well, there probably is, but I am sure that it is either a clinical phrase or a word that is just not real appropriate to be putting on here.

It became very frustrating for me (and I am sure for her too). What should have been a logical "no, there is no flipping way that could have been my fault" kept hitting brick wall after brick wall of "it has to be my fault" and "it should be my fault" and "at some level is is always my fault". I found myself locked into the emotional mindset so deep that rational facts were more blurred than anything else.

End of session.

Needless to say, we didn't get very far with that, and I quickly realized the exercise of walking backwards on the "why" ladder was not going to work effectively - at least not yet. As well, it didn't seem to matter the selection of event. What I had to do was figure out why, no matter what the incident, I kept (and keep) defaulting to having to own the blame. This was not going to be easy and I was not even sure where to start. My mind chewed on all this for the entire day and into the evening. I had to come up with a battle plan. Some mindset I could "get in" and look back on the past - memories, writings, feeling, etc - from a vantage point that I could stay rational, no matter how irrational the feedback may appear.

The answers will come. They will be freeing to my soul. But it will take time.

Be patient. Breathe.

I have the start of a plan, but no clue what direction it may take me - nice fear of the unknown here! I am gathering facts and figures and have no clue what to do with them. A small part of me thinks I will find this magic piece that changes the dynamic of all that follows it, but the larger part of me knows that it's not there. This is but one of many learned reactions, possibly a developed survival skill. But, whether rational or not, it has become the norm.

Clown = scary.
Blame = mine.

Fight, Blewy, fight.