Where's Blewy

Blewy now blogs at https://deepbreathandprayer.blogspot.com/

Saying Goodbye

Well, class is officially over. It still seems odd that tomorrow will roll around and I will go home after work. It was lifesaving, that is only one of many, many good things I can say about it. It was not easy by far. I have decided that feelings and emotions are the scariest thing in the world. We can learn to make friends with them or be haunted by them. And, according to dialectics, both could happen at the same time.

This blog started as an option to get comfortable a bit more with feelings and emotions. I never thought it would be as powerful of a tool as it became. I allowed myself for it to be a place I could safely come and talk and work through things, good and bad. Some posts were not easy to write, yet they had to be told. I still struggle with vocally sharing my thoughts and feelings. I still trip over words, I still stumble through thoughts. Writing has been a comfortable environment that allowed me to get out what I needed to get out. I am getting better with my words, yet I still do better via pen and paper.

Lately, I have been in a fight with my emotions. We are starting to mend the fence, yet I think we are just in a new place and feeling each other out again. We are able to sit with each other for a longer time without needs of a babysitter to keep us from harming each other. I'm going to take it as progress.

I thank those who have walked this journey with me so far. Although I am not the best on using my resources, it is always comforting to know people are there. I still have a lot to learn in that area. It will come, just as other things have. We are not done, just starting a new chapter. The big battles have been fought, and since I am here writing still, I can say they were won. Now it is maintaining what I have claimed and finding peace with what I can't defeat.

At least for "fighting the fight", I think it is time to put it to rest as well. Oh, I will keep writing and most likely via another blog. This one has been part of journey that has completed itself. It has served its purpose, and done it well. I will continue to go back and read and reflect and remember how far, with the help of so many, I was able to come.

These past couple weeks have had some amazing highs, some scary lows, and lots of in-between. As good or bad or scary as it has been, it has been a good test of my integrity. Situations where I would have previously had me giving up or being destructive to myself, have resulted in healthy choices. Sure, some took extra coaxing, yet I made it. Some still linger in the "what do I do with this" category, yet I will figure it out.

My story could have ended a year ago, yet it didn't. It wasn't my time yet, too much work to do, too much to learn, to much still to experience. There is still much more out there in all areas. I am sure I give God a headache more than He wants, yet he hasn't given up on me. In reality, ever time I tell Him to just let me be, He sends more angels. Ok, God, I get it. Yet feel free to keep sending the help, I can be high-maintenance sometimes and really don't want to burn anyone out.

It is time to call it a night. My body is weary tonight and needs some extra rest. My mind has calmed and the haunting emotional ride has finally slowed down. A deep breath, a big hug, and tomorrow we start new again. It is the blessing we all have, to start new each day. Seeing that I should be around for many more years, that is plenty of chances to keep trying to get it right....one moment at a time, one blue donkey at a time, one can of gasoline at a time [ha! ok, not really, just had to throw that in there for posterity!] We have done well together, we have fought a good fight, we have kept the faith.

Ambrazos grande y con amor siempre,
Blewy

Plot twist!

The world is full of all kinds of sayings like these. Inspirational, motivational, encouraging, life changing, affirming, and so on. Yup, you can find just about any saying to take you from one mood to another, to support an emotion, possibly even to solve the big question of world peace. The world revolves a little smoother due to these little gems of gear lube.

For the most part, I enjoy them. I have used them, said them, posted them, shared them. And then there are days when I want to take them, print them off, tape them to the tree in my back yard, and shoot at them with my BB gun until they are no longer readable.

There is this one that we always had at church. The infamous Jesus quote (that actually was quoted by Mae West, not Jesus), "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." I have hated that one for years. I always found it a little condescending. When you were busting your tail, trying to just survive and you needed encouragement, to have someone look at you say "Jesus said it would never be easy, just worth it" you wanted to punch them. I think at that point I pretty much had grasped the concept that life was not easy, nor was it going to be. I did not have to be so bluntly reminded.

Where am I going with this? Oh, I have no clue. I had read something earlier today that was one of those warm, fuzzy, life is a bowl of cherries, sayings and it got my brain churning. I should start making my own. Here are a possible few (remembering that we always have to end them on a positive upswing):

• When you trip in life, you won't scrape your knees, you will rip your skin open, bleed all over the place, and probably get a concussion....yet the sun will still come up.
• Life sucks, like a leech gone wild at the Red Cross blood bank....yet even leeches eventually get full.
• Feeling blue? It's called lack of oxygen...just take a big breath.

Ok, enough of that silliness. I actually have read some really great ones lately. I downloaded an app for my phone that is helping me with my food journal. When you submit information, it pops up a positive quote (kind of like our 'cheerleader statements' from class), then it brings up a positive affirmation. So far, they have been really awesome. Here is the one that just came up as I logged my dinner:

I will feed myself and fight this illness, not feed this illness and fight myself

Cool, eh? The one from earlier today really hit me because it was like it was written just for me. It went like this:

Just because you are hurt, it doesn't mean that you are broken

It is possible that I need to read that one multiple times every day. I am thinking that the people contributing these have been through DBT as there are several that reflect distress tolerance and mindfulness. Then some just come right out and use DBT language like "build mastery" and "radical acceptance." Kudos.

It's been a crazy few weeks. I feel like one of those toys that you wind up and it runs into things, changes directions, runs into something else, and keeps going until it winds all the way down and can't go anymore (or hits something hard enough it breaks). It lets the environment control where it is going instead of knowing where to go itself.

I have many questions, emotions, and thoughts rolling around in my mind and heart. The good thing is that I am in a better place than I was yesterday and yet I still have a ways to go to get back to "happy-go-lucky". Surely, at some point I will figure out this life thing. I will figure out where I am, where I need to go, and how to get there.

I have homework to go do and report on, yet let me leave just one more personally written piece of "advice" that I have recently learned:

Choosing an unhealthy behavior and telling yourself you can control it is like getting throat punched by Chuck Norris and thinking you will live to tell about it.

Full circle

During the many years as EIU as a student and employee, I would often go and sit on the steps of McAfee Gym and write in my journal. It was the perfect spot to get some sun and watch people as they came by. Often, among the thoughts and feelings, there would be descriptions of the people coming by - how they appeared, if they seemed happy or sad, walking or running (or some falling down). There was plenty to see and experience.

I remember how, during those years I was gone from EIU, some of the landscape had changed in that view. The shift from the upper to lower quad had new steps as well as a ramp, the west side of the Union had been renovated. Even though it was different, it was still a great place to sit, view, feel, and record.

Part of the building reconstruction we had here a few years ago included a new ramp to the basement. Quite the cool achievement from the steep death trap that existed before. The new one is graded nicely and is even heated to keep from icing over in the winter. The athletes love it. At one end a new set of steps go up to the parking lot. I often take breaks and just sit out there. It is a nice little place to hide out and just take in the day. Not as much scenery as my spot at EIU, yet a place I feel comfortable and able to relax in.

When they finished the renovations and we were moving back downstairs, the elevator still needed to be commissioned so all the moving had to be done by the ramp. A co-worker and I took our office chairs, smiled at each other, sat down, and took a trip down the ramp. I let her go first, that way if she crashed into the concrete wall, I could crash into her. I never realized an office chair could go so fast. We giggled like a couple little kids who had just gotten away with something....well, we actually did. We still laugh about it.

I was sitting out there today. Just sitting and thinking and taking in the day. It is actually a little humid today - a good sign that summer is not far away. If you are out there at just the right time, you can feel the warmth of the sun without it shining right in your face. As well, if you time it right, the athletes may be coming or going from a training run. It's a nice spot.

I got to wondering if I would ever let myself just write again. Open my soul back up to feelings and emotions and let the results come out as they come. I seemed to have backtracked at some level. I got spooked and ran back to a familiar place behind me instead of in front. Several posts ago I used a comparison of the dog slowly learning to trust to come up and get a cookie. I feel like I am back in the doorway again with my tail between my legs. Now, that comparison was originally used in regards to asking for help. No one that I have learned to trust has spooked me, this one is all internal - I spooked myself. It leaves me afraid to ask myself for help, afraid to trust my choices, unsure that I can make the right decision.

The main problem when you are fighting with yourself is, you can't escape yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. Yes, there are ways to pull it off and every one I can think of would be in bold, italics, and underlined on the "horribly unhealthy" list. I understand - I am where I am, what matters now is what I choose to do about that. I can go through the whole list of dialectics including "this is not where I wanted to end up and it is where I am" or even "this sucks and yet I am going to have to deal with it" or more honestly "I don't know how I ended up here and it sucks."

I try not beat myself up, I really do. It recently is easier said than done. I look in the mirror and think, "you had to go and eat the cookie, didn't you. You trusted in yourself and now you are back in the corner. Way to go." And, of course, half way through that line of thought I hear ever so prominently, "judgement?" Why, yes, very much so.

Tonight is the last night of class. Ironically, I finish it kind of in the same place I started it. Did not see that one coming. The good thing is at least I have knowledge, skills, and tools to get out of the corner this time in a safe and healthy way - if I can just learn to trust myself a little bit again. I have people who will offer a hand to help me stand up - both if I ask and if I don't. I have a great support group that I trust more each day (if that is possible). All the pieces are there, I just have to let the ball start rolling again.

Then there is me....my worst enemy.

Find a smile

I have a choice. After spending more hours in bed today than out, I have a choice. I can continue to whine and carry on about things or practice some opposite action and make a good hearted effort to find some peace in this recent haze.

For the record, I have not been depression-sleeping today. Yah, the head games are in full force, yet there is something physically going on with me too. The emotional turmoil only *tries* to convince me that it hates me. My physical body, on the other hand, just makes it very clear that it is retaliating and it is not my friend. Got me. When I stand up things go blurry and I get real dizzy, my muscles are highly fatigued, and keep getting short of breath. Nice, huh? A week ago I knocked out 6.2 and have walked about that much, if not more, through this week, and today I can't get out to my car without sucking wind. Here is a thought - I could be pushing myself beyond my limitations!! Yes, because we know I NEVER do that!

Want to have fun? Go type the following into the WebMD symptom checker: fatigue, dizziness, shortness of breath. (No, I'm not doing this to get a serious answer) I just love all the things it comes up with. I could have one or more of a possible 99 conditions including:

• Cat Scratch Disease (isn't that Cat Scratch Fever??)
• Lead Poisoning (yup, I've been licking the walls again)
• Plague (yes, like "the plague")
• Cyanide Poisoning (Um, don't think I would be able to write if this were the case)
• Underweight (ha ha ha! Yah, don't think that this is an issue!)
• Syphilis (I am feeling a little Les Mis today...)
• Radiation Sickness (Ah, my field trip to Chernobyl is coming back to haunt me)
• Narcotic Abuse (Unfortunately not. This would probably make me feel BETTER)
• Ectopic Pregnancy (Don't you have to play to pay?)
• Mononucleosis (Ooooo, the "kissing disease"!!!)
• Radon Exposure (Dang 3-Mile Island tour)
• Aortic Regurgitation (When my heart isn't breaking, it's puking)

And over 80 other options! Yes, this is why they tell you never to go to WebMD (or the Internet in general) to try and diagnose yourself. I was impressed that with each option associated with shortness of breath, a big red box kept popping up telling me to go to the hospital. Maybe there is hope in cyberworld.

Now, let's pick one and go to pinterest and see what comes up!!!  Um, ok, forget that. Of course I would choose "Plague" and I think I may need to contact my therapist now. Yah, that was a little disturbing.

A whole page of "plague masks" - some more disturbing than others. These long-beaked masks are defined in Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases: Modern Methodologies as:

The nose [is] half a foot long, shaped like a beak, filled with perfume with only two holes, one on each side near the nostrils, but that can suffice to breathe and carry along with the air one breathes the impression of the [herbs] enclosed further along in the beak. 

Under the coat we wear boots made in Moroccan leather (goat leather) from the front of the breeches in smooth skin that are attached to said boots, and a short sleeved blouse in smooth skin, the bottom of which is tucked into the breeches. The hat and gloves are also made of the same skin…with spectacles over the eyes.

Well, if computer technology career ever fails me, there is always being a plague doctor. Wait, weren't there things that looked like this in Labyrinth? The Fireys? (yes, I am making yet another Labyrinth reference.)

Let's ask Pinterest again!

Ha! I knew it was similar! Oh, how I can only imagine what kind of flipped out dreams I am going to have tonight. I am one of those people that my daytime experiences like to creep into my dreams. Not that my dreams are not screwed up enough, I often wake to regret watching certain shows or viewing certain images. This might be one of those moments, especially with not feeling well.

Oh what do you do? With that, my body is telling me it is time to call it a night. I do believe a little stretch out on the couch and watching this week's Grey's Anatomy followed by bed is in order. Church attendance may not be on the to-do list this week.

With that, please remember to be gentle with me, I could potentially be an underweight person with radiation sickness battling Syphilis and lead poising. 

And this is what you call finding a smile through opposite action.

No calls

Just to review:

• treat Physical iLlness -- for what I can control, very good. For what's out of my control, doing best I can.
• balance Eating -- two weeks of doing quite well
• avoid mood-Altering drugs -- 6 months clean!
• balance Sleep -- epic fail.
• get Exercise -- doing, even if not for right reasons
• build M A S T E R y -- working on hanging in there, so far 100% completion rate

Yup, see that "epic fail"? That would be my 3.5 hours of sleep last night (on top of already being exhausted). And I can honestly say that is not judgmental, it is just fact.

Ok, maybe not an epic fail, I mean, I could have not gone to bed at all. You see, we were taught when your "PLEASE MASTER" is out of whack, you are more emotionally vulnerable. What I have learned in my life through the past many months that, of the items, the two biggest areas that I have to remember to keep in the strong region is my physical health and especially, my sleep.

I was talking in session the other day about a part I had read in my emotional eating book where it talked about when we are not physically well, we are not as quick to make good decisions. Of course, this was in regards to food, yet you could apply any behavior. It is like when you get a weak spot in your force field, the demons very quickly take full advantage of breaching it. I have recognized this and work to stay aware of it. Apparently, lack of sleep results in a very similar scenario as I am learning first hand in these past 24 - 48 hours.

I just about picked up the phone this morning and called my therapist. Yup, I just about crossed that line I have drawn in the sand. I sat there with my head in my hands going, "just call." I wonder what her reaction might have been. Possibly something like this (as we have had the start of discussion about how I won't call), "Oh! Christy called!" [excitedly, since this is not an expected behavior] and probably, almost immediately, followed up by, "Oh, Christy called." [worried, since this is not an expected behavior].

So, what prompted this almost miracle? There seems to be a bar-brawl going on in my head lately between emotional and rational thinking. Partly due to all the thinking/questioning I am doing and intensified by my lack of sleep, emotional is making mince-meat of rational.

It is very well known that I have a history of doing some "quite less effective" things to get these type of mental fights to stop. The problem is, when emotional is winning, I want to go back and default to these types of behaviors by instinct, and that is where I have been headed lately and it was in full-steam forward today.

One might think, oh so you were calling your therapist to help you think through things. Yah, that would make too much logical sense. It was more like leaving the following question on voice mail, "would you be mad at me if I hurt myself?"

Now, with what little breath my rational mind has left, I know a few things. One, she would never directly answer that - and I would hope she would not. Two, she would remind me that whatever action I took is my own choice, she could not tell me what to do (nor would she), only help me see the consequences from all options. My guess is that somewhere in there she would remind me not to beat myself up for dialing the phone. In the end, I chose to not pick up the phone and call.

I can almost guarantee that the following question is going to come up - "why did you not call?" Do you see me broken or bleeding? It would seem that I was able to get through the moment without dragging innocent bystanders into the mix. Have I not spent the last 6-9 months learning how to "divert emergencies" like this? Therefore, should I not try to overcome it myself first? [ha! maybe my rational mind has more life left in it that I think]. Although these reasons are true and legit, I am sure the next question would be, "what is the real reason you didn't call?" Simple. I would not allow myself to.

I used to call Lisa all the time. I would call, listen to the voice mail, and hang up. Very, very rarely did I leave a message. Usually I was in some anxiety ridden state and knew if I closed my eyes and listened to her voice, it would help. I knew she did not answer her phone, so it was always safe to call. Not sure where that falls on the continuum of weird and bazaar, yet it is what I did. She never told me I had to stop. Who knows if she realized how many times I called.

Then, there was the one time I called her in distress. I called, left this super-charged emotionally-sided message, then called back two or three times within that next hour. I think I kept leaving messages. She did call back and the situation was resolved (or at least dropped out of the crisis level). The next day I started feeling very guilty for calling, embarrassed for being so overly emotionally, and ashamed for the multiple calls. I told myself I would never call my therapist again unless it was something neutral, like changing or cancelling an appointment.

I was never told the call was wrong or made to feel that I did anything wrong. All thoughts, feelings, emotions, were invoked and embedded by myself. I am sure I apologized profusely for calling - probably way more than I needed to. Whatever the actual reality of it was, I had made a standard for myself - no more leaving messages. If I could not vocally communicate in a calm manner, I needed to keep my mouth shut - and I have. Lisa always had this line when I would apologize (once again) down the line for something. She would say, "I have already forgotten about that." The thing is, I had not.

All this is a basis of why I write over speaking - letters, emails, blogs. I can be all emotional and over the top, then I can go back and edit it several times until the rational starts to kick in and take over. Prior to class I had no clue of emotional/rational separation and boy did Lisa get some emails that were as bad as the voice mail. Yah, still kick myself for those too. It's the basis of my continual asking to my current therapist, "are you really sure it is ok if I email you?" and my worry about the length of my emails. If I can't keep it off of the full emotional side ledge, I don't allow myself to go forth with communication.

This is not to say some have gotten past my guard shack. There is nothing like going back and reading an email you sent and realizing just how emotionally charged it was when, if you would have just waited to hit send for a few hours or the next day, you could have toned it down. Always room for improvement.

At the end of the day, I don't call and I don't always message. Yes, there was that brief moment today after I had decided making the call was not going to happen and my mind shifted to, why don't you send an email. I thought about how many emails I had already sent this week and their length and simply told myself hell no.

Am I ok? Am I safe? Yah, for the most part. Have too much on my schedule to do something stupid now. My "window of opportunity" has passed for today. There is still a fight going on in my head yet luckily I will have enough the remainder of today and tonight to distract me from the loudness of it. I anticipate things being well until I crawl in bed tonight and all is quiet. Will be interesting to know if emotional or rational has won by that point.

Fear of feeling again

My intentions of taking that long nap earlier was to help my body recover from already being run down, it was not an excuse to be up all hours of the night (morning) to even it out. Now way long after I should be sound asleep, here I sit. It is not that I am wide awake, quite the contrary - physically I am worn out and I could so easily just go to bed, except my ever-so-busy mind has other plans. Therefore, fasten your seat belts...I'm writing when I am tired and not completely focused which simply means, limited filters.

Last Tuesday I kind of hit a brick wall. Ok, maybe that isn't what happened. I really have no clue how to define in a label what the event was. All I know is that life was moving really fast all of a sudden, I couldn't seem to get a grasp on it, and my mind was trying to go to a place that simply scared the hell out of me. Going back and reading that post makes me work on a several skills from class, the top one being "don't judge yourself."

My first instinct is to metaphorically kick my ass for allowing myself to get angry and frustrated, then add another whomp for allowing myself to put it on paper. I should never write something that I find myself apologizing for later, whether that apology be for the content or the way it is delivered.

In class, we learned about primary and secondary emotions. We learned that sometimes the secondary emotion comes so quick that we think it is the primary. Other times the secondary emotions comes to mask the primary. Identifying that primary emotion can be hard sometimes because it reacts to whatever the trigger is and then is gone almost as fast - yet it exists.

Yes, I was mad, angry, upset, irate (just pick a word that seems to fit "I am pissed off") and yet, that was not my primary emotion. It has taken a week and a half, a lot of thinking, calming, and even some anxiety and worry to come to that conclusion. So, what was the primary emotion that so quickly went to anger? I'm afraid. I'm scared. And, being alone when you are scared - at least with me - it quickly turns to survival coping.....anger.

Have you ever had one of those lingering illnesses (flu, bad cold, etc.) or injury and you knew you were sick/hurt, yet you managed to keep moving forward. It just was the way it was - feeling like crap just became a normal part of life. You functioned and you functioned well for the situation. Then, one day you started getting better. It was a little odd because by this time you had pretty much forgotten you were actually sick/in pain, it was just a part of you. As you continued getting better you realized that not only had it been bad, it was WAY worse than you thought. It is like you couldn't recognize how bad you were until you were better.

This is where I am finding myself with the emotional/mental struggles stuff in my life. I am getting healthy - really healthy (yes, I understand I have a long way to go still, yet I think I have got a good start). I started to realize how "sick" I have been and for how long. Yes, I will never be "cured", it is about managing it now instead of beating it all [thank you , I will gladly take that YIPPEE!] yet, wow, it appears that I have not been well for a long time. I wonder if there was ever a time when I was.

The odd part about it is that the more I learn and heal and all of that, the bigger it keeps getting. You know that phrase, "ignorance is bliss"? So true. Yes, "knowledge is power" - especially to help me be healthy across the board, and yet naming, defining, and acknowledging things that have made me so unhealthy has started to really scare me recently. How did I let myself get so bad and how was I so oblivious to it? Then the even greater fear - is there something really wrong with me? As I get better, am I getting worse?

Things feel "bigger" and more overwhelming now. Example being my struggles with focusing. Now, I have always struggled with focusing yet somewhere I managed to either fake it well or had some coping mechanism. I am having a lot of problems with focusing on tasks that I just get frustrated with myself and the task and all things associated. I don't think I am having more problems than I used to, yet it sure feels like it. Am I really worse or am I just more aware that I see it different? How bad is it going to get before it starts getting better....or is it never going to get better? This is just one example. I could easily apply the same to my ability to multitask or even remember things. 

I may be stubborn, yet I am not stupid. I watch relatives with emotional struggles get worse. Am I doomed to that too? Am I fighting a losing battle? It is not only a very lonely spot to be in, it is a very scary one. I have always feared the unknown and this is an unknown of huge proportions. I really thought there was a time in my life when I was emotionally healthy and strong. What I am realizing is that I may not have ever been. What the hell does that mean for the future?

So the fear turns to anger and it all starts compounding. No more separation of little and big Blewy. It's just one....just me. It's confusing. I'm getting healthier and stronger and moving forward in great leaps and bounds and still, there is this part of me that feels like it is either lagging behind or going in the opposite direction. The thing is, I can't put a word on it. I can't explain it. I can "point" and say, "it's that" yet I can't tell you what it is. I can't even describe it, and so toss in some more anger and frustration with myself.

Is this part of getting better? Is this part of healing? Is it just another round in the "darkest before the storm" - and if so, how many times does that have to come around before the sun just finally stays out? Am I really ok? Is this how life really is? Is this being healthy? Seeing that "being healthy" is apparently a new thing for me, I do not seem to have anything to reference or compare it to.

It's easier to be angry over (or on top of) being afraid. Fear creates vulnerability. Anger puts you on high guard. The thing is, anger will also either destroy or protect fear and when it is all happening within yourself, that becomes a very dangerous scenario. Simply, to find peace with it all, you will either protect yourself or destroy yourself. Some days, like last week, I do not feel like I have control of which will happen. To be safe, I shut the whole machine down. You might say I took the fear and the anger, buried them as far down as I could, then ran like hell.

There is only one problem with this. Although effective, it doesn't solve the problem. It doesn't make me find the answers. As well, it only stays buried for so long - it always comes back. I at least have learned that it is better that I go dig it up and try to work through it instead of letting it show back up unexpectedly on its own 20 years down the line.

So I am still afraid of my emotions, aside from my fallback "happy go lucky all the time" side. I'm afraid to look at them, get near them, or experience them.

And I was doing so good.