Resolutions 101

Yes, you know I couldn't let 2013 get away without some kind of a resolution post. I can thank a FB post for a little help with this one. My friend posted a link to this article "30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself" this morning and I thought it was great. Although not all of those pertain to me, many do. I use a few as a base for my continued healing in 2014. With that, here are my thoughts, comments, jokes, dreams, one-liners, or whatever else I may call them as they come! 

1. Breathe and stop being scared (to live, to breathe, to make a mistake).

I have not been so aware of my breath as I have the past 6 months. Who knew you breathed so much?? I have learned that controlling the breath can be a lifesaving tool in any situation from anxiety to anger to just calming down to fall asleep at night. While struggling this summer, I was given this mantra and told to say every day, as many times a day as I needed - and to just breathe calmly and slowly while reading it. Even if I could not believe it, something in my soul would. It was taped to my bathroom mirror, on the wall at work, a photo of it on my phone, and a copy in my wallet. It goes like this:

This difficult time will pass.

I will be able to see things more clearly.

I will feel more of a sense of peace.

Just because I don't feel that now doesn't mean that I won't have it, and it certainly doesn't mean that I don't deserve it.

I do.

Just like we all do.

I am neither worse than, not better than, any other human being that has ever lived or will live.

I am both perfect (made in God's image) and imperfect (human being).

I will make mistakes. I will even (unintentionally) hurt others.

But I will also do kind, loving, and important things.

I am here for a reason.

Some days all I could muster was the last line, yet it was enough to give me strength and strong is what I started to become because of this. A very large first step to healing a broken spirit, soul, and mind.

This next year I will keep breathing (yes, you can all applaud) and keep remembering that life is life. I am not a superhero and invincible as much as I want to think I am (yet, I will still allude to the idea that I am). I will make mistakes and I will apologize. I will also learn from it and move forward. I will have down times and I will remember, I am here for a reason. 

2. Forgive myself and stop berating myself for old mistakes

Although I have made small steps with this already, it is time to get serious. It is ok to apologize to yourself and it is ok to accept it (and i think I need to read that sentence alone about 100 times in a row). If I am going to keep progressing, I have to let things go. There is nothing healthy, emotionally or physically, from looking through a yearbook of bad choices and less effective decisions.

It will be hard as it is an instinctive reaction, yet I can do it. It will take work and I will continually find myself trying to go back and beat myself up, yet if I want the change bad enough, it will come. Just like we were taught in class not to judge ourselves for judging, I can't be beating myself up for beating myself up.

This next year I am going to work on letting go of the past and being more compassionate with myself. I know how God sees me, so why not try to look at myself the same way? Just as I would forgive another, I will work on forgiving myself and try not to be so hard on myself when I do make a mistake. 

3. Be weak for once and stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t

There is a reason God has so many people on my path - it is because I am stubborn and....well, yah, that is about it, I am just hard headed and stubborn. That's not being judgmental, it is being completely honest and factual. I think even those who have just recently come into my life in one role or the other are throwing their arms in the air at the moment saying "amen, sister!"

There has been a lot of safety and a lot of strength in keeping my guard up and hiding my feelings. I hate to draw attention to myself. I continue to try and convince myself of the ever-fueling-each-other myths of crying = weakness, and weakness = not being in control, and not being in control = not being strong, and not being strong = no one will need or want you. See, logic. Skewed logic, yet logic.

The world is not going to end if I have to say "I am not ok" to another person. As I think about it (I just now had this thought), if I have been able to sit in front of medical professionals and admit the things I have in the past few months, saying I am not ok should really be a piece of cake. Matter of fact, asking for help should not really be an issue. Wow, see, epiphanies can happen even on the last day of the year. [Yes, this is where I give you permission to say "it's about time"]

This next year I will work on leaning on a shoulder or two and remembering it is ok if I need to hang onto a hug just a little longer. I will try to be more honest with myself and others in regards to how I really doing. No, you aren't getting a commitment to see me cry (not even in an airport with a buddy), yet I do give my full permission to my huggers to just hang onto me if they feel so inspired - which could result in me crying, just to warn you. 

4. Stop trying to be everything to everyone

I have struggled with this my whole life. I am guessing I always will. Although I throw out that "I don't need anyone, I'm tough, I can take care of myself" front (ha! see resolution #3!), I continually desire in my heart to be needed, included, fit in, or belong. It is a bit ironic.

I am a giver who doesn't pay attention to my own limits and boundaries. I give all I have and beyond until it becomes unhealthy and then I keep giving more. I learned once again this summer (and finally, I think it got through my head) just where that gets you. When you have exhausted all you have, even though you feel guilty for thinking it, you start wishing you would have held onto just a small piece for yourself.

The hardest choice I had to make in my life came this summer. Was I going to continue trying to be everything to everyone, or was I going to try and be something to myself. An all-or-nothing decision, for the first time in my adult life, I chose myself. I had to and my heart ached at the thought of my energy and time being turned inward. My greatest fear I have in this life is becoming selfish and/or self-centered and this felt like the gateway of becoming so.

This next year, I will continue getting healthy and taking care of me. I will work on remembering that this does not mean I am being selfish. Maybe as the year goes on I will be able to start sharing some of that again, yet I will have to stay very mindful of my limits. It will be a learning experience and I will be patient as it develops. 

5. Step out of the box, believe in yourself, and take a chance

Now for the fun resolution! I have continually been encouraged by our wheelchair athletes in my journey to get healthy. How much more do you need than Paralympian and Elite athletes not only cheering you on, but telling you how much of an inspiration you are to them?? Yah, they believe in.....me. I am not sure what I am ever able to offer them, yet they assure me that I do. I love them all, they are wonderful friends.

One thing they are always able to do is to get me to step out and take on a challenge. I guess I agree so easily because I know they are behind me just as I am always behind them. With that, I have agreed to do the 10k this April (I usually do the 5k) and a mini-triathlon with some of the racers in the fall. Coach keeps telling me that he believes I can do a half-marathon in the spring, yet I wouldn't commit that one. In there will be some other 5k races and possibly a redemption of Warrior Dash (although my life will still be complete if I don't do that again.)

As far as the resolution that goes along with these commitments, it is simple - my health. I will get my nutrition and eating issues under control. I will be looking for a nutritionist in the next few weeks and will continue to work through the triggers that set me into unhealthy habits. My body is taking a hard hit from this and I have no one to blame but myself. So, good and healthy and asking for help it is. How can I let coach and the athletes down? I can't.

6. Remember you are never alone

So there are four people that I know for a fact read this. Since this is the last post of the year, I momentarily step away from my "I am my audience" and offer a small New Year's resolution promise to each of you. First, to all of you, thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me. Some of you have known me a really long time, others just a short while yet all of you continue to stand by me no matter what. It is deeply appreciated.

For my BFF, this next year I promise to keep fighting. On days I can't do it for me, I will do it for you. Once a Lady Comet, always a Lady Comet, right? If we survived the summer of '89, I can surely survive things now. I promise I will do the very, very best I can to continue not punching things - unless you are home to get me ice (big grin). I love you. Thank you for never judging me.

For my Utah buddy (and family), this next year I promise to remember who I am, where I came from and where I can end up. You sent me an email a while back and at the end noted how you would be "honored to stand next to you and call you my friend and my sister" when we got to heaven. For the first time in my life, I actually desired that. I actually thought, I think heaven would be a nice place to end up. I promise I will keep that goal in my sight and do all I can to make it come true. Thank you for always helping me keep my vision where it needs to be.

For my dear friend in Mattoon, you always say that you have no doubt I will make it (whatever it is that I am working through), you just get a little concerned on how I will get there. This next year I promise I will continue to keep my journeys interesting yet I will keep them much more healthier than in the past. I promise to wear my armor of God every day and and do what I need to in order to keep it strong and polished. I will always do my best to make you proud. Thank you for stepping into a role I needed so deeply in my life.

For the one who is always willing to share a "Yippee", this next year I promise I will keep learning and studying and doing everything I can to keep getting healthy. I promise to keep working to overcome my fear and doubts, and I promise to keep writing (I hope you will keep reading). I know God has had His hand in this one all along which makes me hope that someday I might be able to teach you something amazing too. Oh, and I promise to try and stop saying "ma'am" (big grin). Thank you for allowing me to trust you without question and for your patience, kindness, and willingness to take in a stray.

And, for the one who I hope someday reads this blog, thank you for taking an extremely broken person and gently showing them how to stand up again. I know it was not the easiest of tasks, yet you stuck it out. I promise you (this next year and every year I live) that all that work will never be in vain.

****************************

I wish you peace-in the world in which you live

and in the smallest corner of the heart

where truth is kept.

I wish you faith-to help define your living and your life.

More I cannot wish you-except perhaps love,

to make all the rest worth while.

-- Robert A. Ward

Power

It is a powerful action to fully let go or something or take that leap of faith and change. It takes a lot of trust in yourself to release something and not immediately turn back for it. To step up and make a commitment to change is uncharted territory and scary. I talk about it a lot. Maybe now is the time to start backing up the words. It is worth a shot, eh?

Self hate.

Listen my friend, you did not create this even though you were taught how to fuel it. I know it has been the default for far too many years. There is no need for it anymore. You have put it down as your go to emotion and I applaud you with all I have.

You have a good heart and soul. You love unconditionally and would give all you have to anyone in need. You are a wonderful person. You are a leader who walks side by side, teaching by example. Know that the person looking back at you in the mirror is not horrible. You are something. The world would not be a better place without you.

I know asking you to love yourself is possibly asking a little too much at this point, yet can we settle somewhere in the middle? You have done really good not falling back to the hate so how about just letting that go?

Worthiness.

I know you got this whole concept in your head that being of worth does not equate to being worthy, so let's see if we can make some sense out of the two.

To have worth, is to have a value. So, when you say you are of worth, what you are saying is that you are of a value. You equate to something greater than nothing. It is a huge step to say and believe with conviction that you are valuable. It is also a simple statement with no real parameters. You either are or are not of [have or do not have] worth.

Then there is being worthy. I know this is where you get all freaked out and start to run. Just stop and listen. To be worthy is to be deserving. That value that you have stated you have? Being worthy is allowing yourself to be considered important enough to receive respect, praise, and yes, even love because of that value. Yes, I know, worthiness comes with all kinds of parameters.

So, let's take the scariest one of the bunch for you - love. Are you worthy of being loved? Before you go answering, think a moment of the question. Do not go inserting feelings, emotions, or memories into this. Just take the question - because you have already deemed that you are of worth, do you consider yourself valuable enough to be loved? Not whether you are or are not loved, yet do you have the right to be? This is being worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy of all the things that are out there before you. So, let's just work on this simple thought - I am worthy because I am of worth.

Guilt and Shame.

I have two events sitting on the top of this pile and you are very aware of what two they are. You have got to let these go. C'mon let's talk about them to the extent we can in this medium.

First, friendships come and go. I know, you took a big leap of faith to even reach out and kindle this one. All those years of being happy with the close friends you have, has served you fine. You knew them, they knew you. Levels of trust had been established long ago and it worked. The idea of allowing someone into your guarded little fortress has been off limits, yet you gave it a shot. And hey, it was fun, a lot of fun. You have some really great memories from it. Then, whatever the hell happened, happened and you have spent the last 4.5 months beating yourself up that you did something to screw it up.

Maybe you did. Maybe you didn't. Here is my advice, drop it. You have apologized for everything you can possibly think of. You have even apologized for stuff that you had no part in - which you really need to quit doing that. This one is out of your hands. After all this time, I am going to go on the assumption that there was more going on here than you even knew. You were a bystander hit by shrapnel from a bomb they may not even realize went off. Yes, it broke your heart and shook your trust. No, it didn't kill you, yet if you don't let go of the guilt and blame you are putting on yourself over this, it eventually will. When and if the time comes, they know where to find you. If that time never comes, you just have to accept it as the way it is.

Here is what I want you to do, the next time you see them and that deep emptiness in the pit of your gut hits, take a deep breath, say a small prayer, and hand it over to God. Just let it go, it will be ok.

As for event number two. Have you ever thought that things can come to an end not because you did something wrong, yet because you did something right? You really have to work on giving yourself some credit. I would love to go back in time and find that key event that makes you think that when something happens it is because you did something wrong. I'd love to get in their face and just bluntly say "are you happy with your results??" I sometimes wonder if they had known the impact it would have on you, would they have done different. No, I doubt they would, as they would never admit they did anything wrong to start with. Stop....deep breath.....focus......return to the present.

Take a moment and just let yourself think back. Where you were, where you are, how you got here. Who you were, who you are, how you got here. Listen to me - all things have a time and season, you know this. Remember the greatest compliment you could get in the mission? That you were not needed anymore? That you had taught them the things they needed and they were able to go forth on their own. Your presence would only hinder their progress. You not being needed was success, not failure. Now, think about what you were told last month. It was the same thing wasn't it? You did nothing wrong. You listened, you learned, you worked, you fell back sometimes, you fought, and you grew. You didn't screw something up, you did something right. Look at it for what it really is. Allow yourself to own it. There is nothing to feel guilty or be ashamed of here. Celebrate the win and use it to motivate you in this next chapter.

Trust.

I hate to tell you this, you are going to have to let your guard down a little. You can be mindful and aware and even a little hesitant, yet you can't shut everyone out. I admire your willingness to try and make it on your own, yet your lack of willingness to trust is only going to be a continued roadblock. As well, trusting from a distance is not real effective either. It's like trying to carry on a conversation with someone three isles away from you in Wal-Mart. You are going to have to go with all or nothing here.

You are smart and inspired. You know in your heart who you can trust and who you shouldn't. You've had that gift for a long time. You have allowed a few cheap shots to shut that gift down. Nobody is going to hurt you anymore. Your inner strength and worth are a part of your armor now. You are able to choose how things affect you. You always have been able to do this, and now you really are strong enough to do it.

If the invitation of "trust me" comes, don't be so quick to freeze up. Take a breath, say a prayer, listen to your heart and to heaven, then consider it. Remember, trust is the willingness to be vulnerable. You need to walk that path to keep healing, so how about letting the distance go and let them walk next to you? I think you will be glad you did. Listen, you trust me, and I trust them, so let just give it a shot, ok?

Powerlessness.

Yah, I have nothing here other than we are going to have to get a grip on this situation. I think we got a rude awakening to that this past week. Thankfully we only teetered on the line this time, yet one of these times there is not going to be someone there to pull us off the ledge and we are going to jump without thinking. No one should have so much power over a person that they cause them to willingly punish and harm themselves without a second thought. Can we agree on this?

Remember Labyrinth? What was the magic line - "You have no power over me." We have got to get this through our head somehow. Then we have to believe it, act on it, lean on it, live it, breathe it, whatever it takes. That got a little scary for my taste the other night. Since this easier said than done, I think the conclusion to start with is the awareness that there is still a big problem. Are you good with that? I am. Then this will be something to work on in the new year.

***************

With that, let's just stop and breathe a moment. Close our eyes and listen. There is a reason we listen so intently to mindfulness exercises in class. Hear the voice and just breathe in and out. Relax our jaw, relax our shoulders. Just breathe. Take as long as we need. Take as long as we want. There are no battles to fight tonight, the war is taking a night off. Let's let our mind relax for once. Let it be still. Let it be calm. We will go back to work tomorrow. For now, just relax and breathe, we have earned it.

I am ok

Last night before going to bed I sent an email to someone just noting that I was ok. There had a been a few bumps in the road, yet I was ok. I woke up this morning, rolled over, and thought to myself, "liar." You see, I don't need others to call me out, I do it quite well myself.

So maybe "liar" is a little harsh. That implies a premeditated action to deceive and I don't do that. That isn't nice and it's not honest. I would like to think that I am nice and honest....maybe too much sometimes.

I am ok. I am. I should be, I say it to myself a lot every day. Sometimes in my head, sometimes audible. One of these days I am going to try and keep count how many times it passes through my mind. I am guessing enough that I would quickly lose track.

There are times I get these rushes of emotion that hit me, kind of like an unexpected breeze on a still day. They hit and you are caught off guard for a moment. With a deep breath I tell myself "you are ok, you are ok" and generally it passes as swiftly as it arrived. Not sure why they happen. It is my guess that I work so hard sometimes to keep certain feelings and emotions at a distance that they find a loophole in my logic and take advantage of it. A momentary reminder of a weakness. As long as I can keep telling myself I am ok, then I remain in control.

I am not ok. Don't think anyone has heard me utter that for a very long time. I myself, don't seem to remember the last time I said it directly, especially to another. I did make a pretty solid reference to it in a blog post a few months back, yet if I have said it recently, I don't remember. I've danced around it with similar phrases yet I do all I can not to ever say it directly. Even if it is true, I can't say it aloud and direct. It holds too much power.

Yet, I am ok. If I sit and think about it, the things that are troubling me right now are quite small and minimal compared to the past. With the exception of one, I have beat them all back before. If I have stumbled, it is only a skinned knee, not a compound fracture. If I really think about things, has anything really beat me in the end? I'm still alive, so I am going to go out on a limb and say no, one way or another I came out on top.

Several years ago I rebuilt a car for my sister. Worked on that thing for months and could not get it running for nothing. Worked on the engine daily adjusting, changing, fixing and still could not keep it running. Had taken the carburetor to the shop and had it rebuilt and still nothing. Talk about frustration. I used words while working on that car that would make a sailor blush. I would not give up, for I will not be defeated!

When a car won't start it is one of two things - no fuel or no fire. We had fire and you could smell fuel - we would continually watch it run through the lines and filters. One day we ran the fuel line from the tank to the engine. Maybe it was getting air in the line somewhere. Each checkpoint showed fuel, right up to the carb. No fuel in the carb. The problem? The shop had locked down the fuel regulating bolt. With a turn of a screwdriver, the car finally started. She drove that thing until it literally fell apart, seriously. When she traded it in, they took off the license plates and the bumper fell off. Even with its quirks, she loved it because I had put my heart and soul into it for her.

Sometimes my personal battles become like that car. I work and work and work and feel like I am getting no where and in the end, the fix is as easy as turning a screw a few rotations. The more I learn in class, the more of these types of experiences I have. Sometimes I want to just kick myself when I realize how easy the fix really is. Maybe it is time to start working a little more on the self-compassion part.

It is going to be ok. If I will give all I can to the best of my ability, if I get to the end of the day without doing harm to myself or anyone else, if I take the opportunities before me to make someone else's day a little better, if I am honest and true in my dealings despite how they might come out, if I keep my expectations of myself realistic, if I keep my eyes to the heavens and my vision forward, then today will be ok.

Maybe there was more truth in that email than I realize. I am more ok than I think.

Perseverance

My brother called to check on me this morning. Poor guy, he was the recipient of my "bad things I want to do right now" phone call yesterday. Filled him in on the latest information and he reminds me of how I was able to get through it without giving in and jumping off the wagon. Then he made me laugh. He is good at that. He's a good guy. I know I make him worry a lot yet he doesn't ever complain.

It is better today. Was still a little rough around the edges this morning as I woke up with a fair amount of anger still churning. I have to cut myself some slack at some point, focus on the positive. Instead of hitting level 10+, it was more like 8.75. This is good, very good. Something is working in it all. Sure will be glad when it is 5 or less or even not even an issue, yet 8.75 is a win.

Once again I find myself standing up, taking a deep breath, cleaning up my internal path of destruction, and starting back up the ladder. Stomp out the last few embers, rake out the ashes, sigh at the amount of wood still there. Fix it back up in hopes there will not be a next time, or at least one so destructive. And my bucket of fuel? Never tossed it on. Put the lid back on it and set it away.

I find it interesting that when you distance yourself from something, when you encounter it again it seems to have a more powerful impact. For example, I noted the other day about the depression rolling in. Something that had been an every day part of myself for years and then was gone for awhile was a little overwhelming when it hit again.

When I got out of the hospital I had to change how I lived life. I went from being very spontaneous and rolling with things to having schedules and routine. It was the only way I could function at that point. When I would find myself in chaotic situations I would shut down - quit interacting with others, avoid people, find ways to escape the moment(s), get angry with myself. Anything to make either the situation or myself "disappear" until it changed.

Getting healthier has allowed me to move away from some destructive scenarios (and choices), mentally and physically. As I keep climbing my ladder, I know there are some of these I won't ever have to face again and that makes me happy. Then others, I just keep praying I can handle when they cross my path. I underestimated the power some still hold over me even though I keep moving further away.

It would seem there may be times when I find myself laying on my back at the bottom of the ladder looking up with the wind knocked out of me. I must be pretty far up that ladder as this round hurt extra when I hit. I'm getting too old for this, my body doesn't take a beating like it used to.

I need those safety ropes for climbers so even if I do slip or get knocked off I don't end up a grease spot in the dirt. Of course those will only work if I don't allow them to be severed before I am shoved.

So, stand up, catch my breath, lick my wounds, let the internal anger go, let the external anger not consume me, remember I'm not alone in this, remember I am of worth, take the delay of game and punt, then get back out there.

And remember that I am stronger than I realize.

Something burning?

I had this amazing post all set to go and started and maybe somewhere in a few days from now I might actually try finishing it. It was pretty good, a comparison of faith vs knowledge in connection with the things we have learned in class. Yes, it was a good one. Then I got a 15 minute phone call that has me so riled up that I can barely see straight. Nope, no finishing that warm, fuzzy post.

Backspace, backspace, delete, delete, delete.

Yet, I continue to write. At the moment, it is the safety net. Oh you would not believe the list of self-destructive things going through my head right now. This is where you pull the cord that makes the O2 masks in the plane drop down and you start sucking air to save yourself. Here that translates to sit, don't move, turn the radio up really loud to drown out the thoughts, and find something to externally focus on. Oh, and breathe. That seems to be a good thing to do. What was that said to me a while back, if I am breathing, I am winning. Just keep breathing, just keep breathing, just keep breathing.

In regards to that metaphor of throwing gasoline on the fire, here I am, standing in front of it with a 5-gallon bucket of fuel just daring myself to throw it on there. Of course, let's get the full picture here. This is the thoughts of "do it! do it! do it!" running through my head like a skipping record. Do it, throw it on the fire, watch the fire roar up, and then, staring at it, scream "burn you mother f*****, burn!" Did I note that I am a little emotional at the moment?

It would seem that I have identified a pretty powerful trigger for my emotions. Yes, it would seem that we have now uncovered the one thing that sits in the first place spot of the list. Heck, it may actually span like the top 5. I hate to admit it, yet there it is. No denying it anymore. Ok, so I will take a small step back from the raging bonfire, yet I am not letting go of my bucket anytime soon. I have enough strength to still hit the fire from here.

Let's talk about that fire. What does it represent? There is more than just one type of wood in that fire. A trigger, a frustration, a less effective choice, a weakness, a disbelief, a heartache, anger, hurt, disgust, resentment, defeat, disappointment, regret, and exhaustion. Quite the fire going. Some burn better than others, some burn for a long time, some burn out quickly, some keep smoldering from the heat of the others. I wish it would all burn to ashes and blow away, yet no matter how much fuel I continue to throw on it to destroy it, there are always pieces left in the end. It never goes completely away. It's a little unrealistic to think that it will, it is a part of me. To destroy it, is to destroy myself and we know that isn't healthy. Let's be honest, whether I throw my bucket on there or not, the pile is not going to disappear. Not anytime too soon at least. Especially when an element beyond my control has the power to relight it.

The fire is an ironic beauty. The colors of the jumping flames are hypnotizing. The smell, intoxicating. I'd like to think that amidst the destruction, there is healing going on too. 

Maybe I need to quit trying to destroy it and try to just keep it contained. I think God is going to have to help me on this one.

For the moment, though, I will sit down and I will keep one hand on my bucket. At least until the voices quiet down.

Merry Christmas

Randomness

It's kind of dangerous for me to be writing right now. I'm super tired yet I can't seem to get the brain to shut down. At least I am not on Ambien anymore, so I will actually remember this tomorrow. Oh those poor souls who got "drunk on Ambien" texts and phone calls. Yah pretty much told doc no more of that! Have to admit, the Facebook posts were hilarious! Someday...maybe in the next life I will actually recall doing all those different communications.

Lots of thoughts from my meeting today. Really has had me pondering and considering and then thinking "what if" scenarios. Good ones, that is.

There's only a week left in this year. Sure there will be the whole resolution thing, yet what do I want to leave behind when the year changes? I've been able to dump a lot of baggage and there's plenty more to go. My brain churns away trying to find things to toss in a last ditch effort.

There are a few things that come to the top and I just look at them. They would be nice to let go of. Things that may not have been mine to keep in the first place. Then I hesitate. What if they were mine and I let them go? Am I bailing on responsibility? Is it kind of like a check engine light? You reset it with the thought that if there really is a problem it will trip again. If I let something go that I should have kept, will it just come back around? So maybe I should just work on letting the obvious stuff go.

Sometimes it is hard to let things go because they have lingered as "punishment" for less than effective choices. They are clear reminders to not do something again. The are the burn from touching the hot stove.

I've been introduced to this whole new communication dynamic and more times than not I just look at it with disbelief. I want to say things like, when are you going to tell me I am wrong or stupid? Or when do I get the non-verbal cues that indicate such? When it doesn't happen, I am a little stumped as to how to react. It is unfamiliar territory that my thoughts can be just as valid as another's.

I keep wanting to ask, you mean I can have a personal [feeling, thought, experience] and it is ok? I am allowed to express that? My mind has spent so many years filtering thoughts and ideas that to just speak freely without hesitation to another is difficult.

As strange as it feels, I like it. To think I am just as good as the next person and to mostly believe it (work in progress), is kind of nice. That my thoughts are valid, is a good feeling. It is almost like my existence may actually have a purpose and it is good. 

I try to think what's changed, why now, why haven't I figured this out before? Why is it just now that it is making such an impact? I'm sure this is not the first time it has been "presented" to me. Rumor has it that I can be a bit stubborn.

I guess life just had to get me to the right place and time. Then God had to find someone to take what I had already been taught, build on it, and show me in a way that I would finally start to believe in it. Boy, do they have their work cut out for them.

Thank you God.

Next steps

And here we are, officially Christmas break. It didn't take too long on the drive home yesterday for the depression to start in. I guess I haven't dealt with it for a while as it was almost an unknown feeling. Who would have though that of all people, I would forget what depression felt like. As I thought about it I realized I have had some down days, yet I haven't had the severe depression. I guess that's a testament to the things I have been learning and work I have been doing. As well, a big pat on the back for those who have been teaching me and helping me along the way.

I always thought depression sucked and now that I've been away from it for a while I have concluded that it really, really does. I handled it well, I went to bed for a few hours. I wasn't running way, I was truly exhausted and the answer I kept getting from my body was to rest. So I figured why not actually listen to my body for once? It's still lingering around today yet it on the low side. I'm aware it is there and that it will probably try to make an appearance as much as it can through the next several weeks. Somewhere in my agenda today I need to come up a plan of action to address it. As long as I keep the first item on the plan "breathe" followed by "don't do anything stupid" then I should have no problems. Again, let me express my love for the holiday season!

I've already started loading up my calendar. I've got a couple big web projects to knock out that could potentially take most of my time. I have to laugh as it seems that even though I closed the business this summer, the few clients I kept manage to keep me on my toes. It is ok, they are good clients and really appreciate the work I do for them. If all my clients had been that way, I'd probably still have the business open. I'm good with it. After 15 years of running it on top of working full time and school, it was time to shut it down. The reduced stress has been awesome, the financial hit, not so much. Not that I was making big bucks, yet if you average it out that is like a couple tanks a gas a month and a little extra for Christmas. It has all worked out and I don't know how I could have had the added stress on top of everything this second part of the year. God really does guide us.

When I moved to back to Charleston it was the first time I had my own place. The first time I had been on my own without a roommate or in the college environment. Ali and I and the world. We moved around a lot and lived in some great places. My favorite will still be the Victorian house we lived in. It was two story and had been split into 4 apartments. My place was the original study and sitting room. The place was beautiful and it also had a huge wrap around porch. I love porches. There is nothing like sitting out on a porch, no matter the season. Whether you are watching the sun set, fireflies in the fields, counting the stars, or just enjoying some peaceful moments, a porch is the key to happiness.

I loved decorating the different places we lived in. Everything had a place and it was always presentable. For the holidays at first trailer we were at I put over 500 chaser lights up on the ceiling in the living room. Those sets that have like 12 different options. Yes, it was like Studio 54 had thrown up in there and it was awesome!!! Left them up there the whole time we lived there. Tried it at one of my other places, yet that after I started having the tremors and seizures and flashing lights were not really a smart option.

I lucked out that the places we lived were all "fix-up's" and I could paint and change things as I wanted. The landlords loved it as it took the burden off of them. It was usually a swap job for the deposit or pet fee. This worked out great for me. Then I got sick. Apparently when you are just trying to survive, your physical environment loses priority very quickly. It is hard. You look at yourself and how you feeling inside and think, "this is not me" and then you look around at the physical disarray and know that environment is not you either. As fast as you emotionally shut down, your physical world has shut down too. One way I used to be able to gauge how bad I was emotionally (at that time it was the depression) was by how trashed my house was. I went from having an open-door policy to locking the door and not letting anyone over unless they called first. If you showed up unexpectedly, you were not let in. I used to try and laugh it off and would make the comment, "This is how mentally ill people live" while feeling embarrassed and shamed inside. I didn't live like this, I wasn't raised like this, and yet, I couldn't seem to get on top of it. Eventually I got a little hold on it, yet it is still a fight. I look around and easily get overwhelmed.

Loved being able to buy a house. My little place is wonderful, it reminds me of my grandparents house. Just under 800 square feet, it was perfect for Ali and I. With a small garage, workshop and a nice sized lot, it really is my piece of heaven. I had great plans of things I was going to do to it before moving in. It was exciting. I closed on the house on a Tuesday, Thanksgiving was on Thursday, and the following Monday I went into the hospital for a week with double pneumonia. Yup, so much for all those things I was going to do before I moved in.

Now, 6 years later, the mis-matched colored walls, missing trim, and ugly brown-70's-don't-have-a-clue-what-that-pattern-is carpet have become the things that make it unique. My walls are filled with photos, shelves filled with books, and I have all kind of little "things" around. Not knick-knacks, yet little toys or gadgets or gizmos. Little things I have picked up here or there because they were unique or odd - kind of like me. I tell people my place is cross between a bachelor pad and Ripley's believe it or not. You could spend days in here and not see everything. It is a fun little place. It could be a lot more organized, maybe a little less clutter, and could use a good dusting, yet, it is mine. And, seeing that I tiled "BLEWY" in the bathroom floor, I won't be selling it anytime soon either!

Now that I am stronger emotionally, it is the time to start getting a handle on my physical world. Aside from just cleaning and organizing, there are physical things that need to go just because of the emotional association with them. If you clean out the emotional garbage and still have a physical reminder of it sitting there, the work seems a little pointless. Instead of looking at it as a whole and feeling like it is too big to tackle, I need to break it down into manageable pieces. Just like everything else, I can have control over this too. Small, reasonable and realistic goals. I can work through this just like I am working through everything else. It is going to be ok, it really is.

Letter from God

I would like to think that if God were to write me a letter today, it would go something like this:

Dear Blewy, (yes, God would call me Blewy)

I love you. I wanted to say that first because if you remember nothing else from this letter, that is the most important thing. Even when you thought I did not or the many times you tried to make me not love you, I did. I always will. I know that is hard to comprehend sometimes yet it is true. On the days where you can't buy into it, just believe it because I said so. On the days where you feel it, relish it to its full extent. It is yours, enjoy every moment of it.

Alijandra says hello. She misses you just as much as you miss her and she says she will be first in line to greet you when that day comes. Her body is perfect and she chases every heavenly squirrel that she sees. I know it was hard to let her go, 15 years is quite a long time. As your one constant through a lot of good and bad, I had charged her with quite a mission. Remember I promised I would not have called her home until I knew you could make it on your own. I know you were unsure about that, yet you have done just fine, matter of fact, you have done amazing. Although you can't see her physically, she is not too far away from you ever. She has asked why didn't you get the heated mattress pad when she was still alive. She also wants you to know that it is ok to finally grieve her loss.

You would not believe how many people here have lined up to say hello. I don't think you understand the lives you touch. Your pops sends his love. He thanks you for allowing him to be a part of your life his last years on earth. Up here he has been able to go back watch you and your brother grow up and become the adults you are. He's sorry he gave up all that when you all were still so young. His choice saddens him yet he smiles that you were blessed with such an amazing second family. He wants you to forgive your dad. He knows you have a lot of heartache there, yet your dad did truly love you and when he left, it was not because of you. If you are not at that place yet, he asks that you at least think about it.

You Grandpa Morris continually bugs me to let him come say goodbye since he was unable to do so in person before he passed. He still laughs about all the "daddy/daughter" events you took him to and is so proud of the person you have become. He wants you to know that no matter what you have been told since his passing that he has and always will love you. He said to tell you he even likes the blue hair. He says that one sees life a lot different from up here and that he admires your strength and perseverance, you have grown into quite the remarkable woman. He thanks you for your patience and endurance with family. He (and I) know that has not been the easiest road to travel, yet even when you should walk away, you don't. One day you will all be together in a place where both physical and mental frailties are no longer an issue and great will be the celebration. Know you can always talk to him at any time.

Your Grandma Blew just beams when she thinks and talks about you. She is ever so grateful that you came into her life at three years old. Both she and your grandfather appreciate the respect you take in the Blew name and your willingness to honor it always. She says to give you her deepest thanks for getting rid of those jeans you loved after she passed. She says you will know what she is talking about.

And your friends. I am sorry there are so many of them here with me, I know that has not been easy to say goodbye to them so unexpectedly over the years. They are all doing well. Each has a valuable role here in the great scheme of things and they check in on you often. I know you are aware of the few who have traveled with you, watching as protective angels. This was their choice and I found there was no way I could talk them out of it. They thank you for the extra things you have done for them and their families over the years. They too want you to know it is ok to let go of the pain of their losses. They want you to know that it will be ok and their memories are not lessened by it. If anything, they are strengthened. They truly love their friend, coach, and mentor.

So, my dear daughter, there is much more I could write, yet let this give you strength and courage for now. I want you to remember who you were here and know that you are still that person. I know, that whole forgetting thing is kind of like a cruel joke, yet someday you will fully understand that it is only to allow you to grow and learn and become the best you can be. Don't be afraid. I know the desires of your heart and let me tell you, you are fulfilling them. Just keep being you and that will always come to pass.

I am always here to listen, you know you can talk to me about anything. Remember, I have all the blessings in the world waiting for you, yet I need you to come seek them. I have more great work awaiting you so keep getting healthy. Give a hug to my dear angels who are down there helping you. Yes, I know you know who they are, so don't be giving them too much grief, they are human too.

Keep the faith,
Your Heavenly Father

That time of year

Found myself leaving class tonight, getting in the car and going, "What the heck is your problem? Settle down!" I've started to get good at recognizing triggers with the anxiety, then there are times it feels like it just hits you out of left field and you are taken completely by surprise.

There was a while there at the beginning of class where I didn't think I was going to get it under control. I just kept thinking, "this is a safe place, just relax" and then just started praying. Not sure what that was all about and I hope that is the last time it happens in class. I left to realize it was a full moon (close enough) so I am totally blaming it on that. Ok, so maybe there were a few things on my mind yet it is much easier to blame it on astrological events.

The holidays are here. Ah, the time of year where my brother and I just look at each other, grunt to acknowledge our unified feelings of Nov 1 - Feb 1, and then suck it up. Neither of us are Scrooges, we just have gotten tired of the accompanying drama over the years. Even if you try to think that this year will be different, you find it hard not to be reminded of the drama of Christmas pasts.

I have my way of dealing with it. Since 2009, I have managed to be ill, injured, or recovering from surgery each year during the Christmas break. I actually started planning any needed medical stuff during the holiday break. It has been wonderful. I have dealt with the drama by being snowed on pain and/or nerve pills! It didn't make the drama go away nor did it make the sting of it hurt any less, yet it made me numb enough that I really didn't care. This year I am facing it "clean and sober" (for lack of a better phrase) and it has me a bit frightened. My brother keeps telling me it will be ok, as there are some other factors that are different this year as well. In all honesty, this should be one of the best Christmas breaks we have had in a lot of years. That would be nice.

Now, I have learned to think about the concept of "does bad negate good" in regards to things. No, good is good and bad is bad and they can exist together or separate. One does not necessarily invalidate the other. It is what it is. And that helps going into it all this year. What bad there may be will not negate what good there is. I am not sure how you go back and apply that to the past. Yes, that bad did negate the good and that is how it has been remembered for all these years.

I often feel there is so much expectations through the holidays. Expectations to feel a certain way, act a certain way, do certain things. It's like a multi-week dog and pony show. I don't care to do or feel what others expect, especially during the holidays (I put enough expectations on myself, don't need help from others). My greatest holidays are the ones where I was in control of every moment. If I wanted to be jolly, I would go be jolly. If I wanted to hide out and celebrate alone, I would do that. It was my call. Just leave me alone and let me do my thing. Yet, there are expectations and then there are obligations.

So, yes, had a little anxiety going into class tonight. I've made some big decisions lately and the thought of going through the next few weeks with no class, no counselor, and no "better living through chemistry" options has had me thinking "what the hell have you done?" I think it was just the reality of it all hitting me tonight. I really need to have a long talk with my emotions about inappropriate timing.

As to keep building on what we are learning in class, I guess this is where I ask myself, what was the purpose of this emotion. You know, for only three choices, this is more difficult than one would think. There is a lot of validation in there: New, unfamiliar situations still scare me. I still need to work on live in the moment not worry about tomorrow. Emotions are going to happen on their schedule, not mine. I do have the ability to control the anxiety, even when it is at a high level. There was also motivation in there: I had to get myself settled down as class was not the place I was going to let this happen. It motivated me to use things I have learned and use them quickly.

It will be ok. I do have someone to talk to and that will help get through the other stuff. I have to remember that I am stronger and healthier than in the past. Expectations and obligations are only going to affect me if I choose to let them. I have the ability to make this holiday be any way I want it to be. I can be in control of the outcome. Just with all other things, I need to take a deep breath and remember, today is a new day as will be tomorrow and the next. The past is the past and I do not have to let it control the present. That was then, this is now. Don't judge myself and just keep living in the moment.

And, if nothing else, I can pat myself on the back, I did manage to get the anxiety under control. I'm learning. Slowly, but I am learning.

Happiness

I'm awfully happy these days. Even through a few low times these past few weeks, I am happy. Now, this is different from my general "happy self" that most people see on a regular basis. This is something inside, something deep. It is something that in the quiet moments stands out because it is something new - or something that has been absent for a very long time.

A few weeks ago I pulled out my scriptures in Spanish. The missionaries had contacted me, as they had met someone who wanted to hear their message and neither one speaks Spanish. They asked if I could come teach and/or interpret for them. I was excited to help.

As I was flipping through the pages, having a little walk down memory lane from my mission, I found some writing on two of the blank pages in the front. It was all in Spanish and it was my handwriting. It was strange because it had a date of July 31, 2000 on it and I served my mission from July 95-Dec 96. I did not remember writing it so I started reading. About three sentences in I realized what it was. I had written this while in the hospital.

There is was, raw thoughts and feelings, a two page cry for help. I could only think, why would I have written such a thing and why would I write it in my scriptures? Then I remembered how at that point I didn't see much of a future for myself. I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life and I didn't see much success ahead for getting out of it. Leave it to me to write a suicide note, in a different language, in the front of a book that no one else would probably ever open. As tough as it was to read, I am glad I am still around 13 years later to find it.

When I came out of the hospital, I had nothing left in me. What little dignity I had retained was left on the back elevator that went to the locked ward. The one I was escorted on barefoot by a psych nurse and a security guard. My room had a bed, table, and video camera. Upon my release, I did know one thing for sure, I would never go back there again. I didn't care what that defined as - death or getting better - all I knew was that a hospital stay would never be an option ever again in my life. Not if I had control over it.

Even now I sit here and sigh deeply while shaking my head. Not sure if it is in disgust or disappointment. Not really one of the highlights of my life's career. When it comes to redemption and forgiveness, this will be the hardest one I will have to work through. I will have to make peace with it at some point, yet it does not have to be today. Today it is about being happy despite the wounds that still remain.

I realized the other day that I have been waking up feeling good about life. For years I have woken up fearful, afraid of what could happen to throw me off my routine. What demon would be waiting to kick my feet out from under me. It would take me well over an hour to get out of bed because I was so scared to face life. Some days I just didn't get up. Anymore I wake up, get up, and let life come as it may. I must be sleeping better as I am not as exhausted as I used to be. I feel like I sleep more peaceful. I still have some haunting thoughts and dreams at times yet I seem to remember easier that they are not reality.

While at work today I told a friend, "I kind of like this happiness thing, who knew it felt so good?" It does, it really does feel good. My soul sits with some measure of peace, quite a different concept. I am finding myself again and I kind of like the person I am finding. I am finding it less threatening to just let me be myself without judgement. Little steps. Little, yet powerful. Who knows, at some point maybe the person I am finding will finally match up to the person everyone else sees.

Happy anniversary

Up to now, I have not posted photos and it may be a while before I do again. I think this time is ok. I like to go back and read my past posts. When I need some uplifting, they help get me there. When I am doing good, they remind me of how far I have come. There is a pattern of healing in the words written and the many more words that are not included. If I inspire no one else in this journey, I inspire myself.

This is an important week for me, I have an anniversary. Tuesday is my 1 year mark from surgery. I thought about just letting it come and go quietly, yet when it comes to reminding myself that I really can achieve things, this is a pretty solid one. 

People are stuck with me. I'm going to be around a lot longer. No one seems to be complaining. In reality, I never thought I would live past 40. I figured that by 40 my health would have done me in or I would have done something stupid to myself. I remember sitting in my therapist's office on my birthday going "what do I do now? I didn't plan for this." I had no idea what to do with my life from that point forward. I believe she replied to the idea that I should go experience and live life. It is still a work in progress.

I am stubborn. Sometimes, when God wants me to hear Him, He doesn't quietly whisper, He whacks me with a 2x4 to get a point across. He knew the things that awaited me down the line and also that my health was not going to allow me to do them. His 2x4 this time was the simple thought that if I didn't make a change, I was not going to be around to see the nephews grow up. My health was so bad that it was questionable if I would have been around to see the holidays.

It wasn't dying that grabbed my soul, it was the possibility of not being here to be a part of the boy's lives. The idea that I could miss so many memories and events and there would be no one to blame but myself. That become my motivator. I was going to get healthy so I could be around to see them grow up, graduate, marry, have kids, and take on life. It was the goal that kept me from cheating, giving up, and quitting. When people ask me "my secret of success" I just tell them, have yourself a goal so important that you won't give up. Yes, I had days where I wanted to quit and go back to old ways, yet I didn't. I couldn't. The cost was too precious.

It has not been easy. I am continually learning that serious change, no matter what it is you are changing, doesn't come without some blood, sweat, and .... well, ok, blood and sweat. I spent 7 months before surgery proving to myself that I had it in me to make this work. Surgery was only going to be a tool to help me keep the weight off, it was up to me to do the work. If I couldn't do it on my own to start with, the surgery was not going to happen.

The journey has a huge mental component to it. I'd say almost 90% of it is mental. Trying to recognize patterns and behaviors is not that easy. Across the board changes all at once are a little overwhelming. I have a hard time seeing changes that others do. Body dysmorphia continues to be an issue. I see myself much larger than what I physically am. It's better, yet it is still a struggle. I look at photos and it doesn't match the image in my mind. It's hard to explain. I'm sure it is a contributing factor to my continued nutritional struggles. I keep fighting though!

I had no clue where this journey would take me. I've lost over 160 pounds and I am almost half the person I was - literally! It is surreal and is hard to comprehend. I actually enjoy living these days and I get excited about the new adventures I can take. As I work through the emotional demons, that excitement only grows. If I ever get healthy across the board I might just be a force to be reckoned with!

Today I celebrate. I celebrate God not giving up on me. I celebrate not quitting and giving up on myself. I celebrate the knowledge that there really is something worth living for. I celebrate everyone who has encouraged me in this journey. I'm just celebrating across the board.

This is a good moment to live in.

To know joy

It is fact that in some circles I am an urban legend. Then there are some places that I am more like the prodigal child. It is ok, I love it. I always get a chuckle when I return to visit somewhere and hear "you mean you're Christy Blew??" Yes, I really do exist and the stories are most likely true. It would seem that I leave a lasting impression no matter where I go and I can't lie, it makes me smile.

While out of town the other day I spent the afternoon with the sister missionaries going to appointments with them and driving them around to save their miles. I had met these two earlier in the fall and told them the first time I was visiting and had the time I would go out with them if they had not been transferred. They were excited to have me with them and even more excited when they asked "are we your family now too" and I replied "of course!" It would seem that among the 250 missionaries in the St. Louis area mission, one of the big goals is to meet me and have me call you my family. Apparently, I am a legend now too.

How can people not like me? I'm kind of like that stray dog with no collar who might have mange that just hangs around your front lawn. Doesn't cause trouble, just lies in grass on the edge of your property and watches you. You really want to call animal control, yet you can't do it. You tell yourself you are going to ignore the scruffy thing, yet soon you find that you are saying hello. Maybe you toss a chicken bone out or leave some water. Then you do it......you call them over and you pet them. That's it, you're hooked. Even if the dog leaves and never comes back, you will always remember it.

I'm good with being a scruffy, mangy dog - no expectations. In high school I had a deal with my best buddy in History class. She was working full time outside of school and I couldn't see the board because I needed glasses. She would sit hidden behind me and sleep and I would wear her glasses and take notes. You see, smart people wore glasses. Now, yes, I was smart yet I didn't really care to be classified as so. In order to get my driver's license, I had to get glasses. I actually waited almost a year later than I had to just because I didn't want to get glasses. I didn't want to fit some role. I enjoyed flying just under the radar. I liked being equal with everyone. Expectations to be a certain way brought pressure. There is power in being a nobody and there is power in being a somebody without exceptions.

I'm pretty genuine - what you see is what you get. No smoke and mirrors. I am who I am, take it or leave it. If I make a commitment to someone or something, I give it everything I have and more. If there is a need and I can fulfill it, I will. If I don't have the answer, I will find it or find someone who does. I do it not because it is expected, I do it because it is who I am. I like being the wizard - hiding behind the curtain and making the magic happen. I don't need the accolades or my name in lights. I am good with quietly passing through. I may not always be successful and it is not from lack of trying. I am good. I am a good person. If people were to only remember one thing about me, I would want it to be that - that I was a good person. When they thought of me they would smile or laugh. Some memory may come back to them of something I said or did or we shared. For even just a brief moment, my presence made their lives better. To know this, is to know joy.

A lot has gone on in this past week. I have learned things and made decisions that leave me standing and looking at the path of life before me. Sure, I have been here before, yet not from this vantage point. I have learned that I can have control of where I am going and what I am doing and what streets I choose to walk down. I do have a say in every step I take and every turn I make - no strings attached, no expectations. I wasn't sure I would make it here again. Ironically, it's not as overwhelming as I anticipated it would be. Yes, a little big and spacious and takes my breath once in a while, yet not scary. I thought I would feel alone, yet something tells me I am not. There is an excitement of a new journey and electricity in the air. If I can just get through these next few weeks, then this will be the adventure of a lifetime.

Never a failure again

October 15, 1991 was a Tuesday. I was a junior at EIU studying Journalism. I remember waking up that morning feeling overwhelmed to a level I had never experienced. My roommate left for class and I sat there looking at the clock calculating what the last possible moment could be before I left for mine. The minutes continued to tick away until finally I put my shoes on, went out to my car, drove home, and walked away from it all.

I remember when I got home. I was asked why I was there and, now that I think back to it, my answer of "I'm not going back" may not have been the best statement to make. I was not on scholarship, yet I had enough grants that I was pretty much on a free ride. I was an honor student, smart and innovative. I pulled A's and B's with minimal effort. I loved learning and I loved the college environment. I had my educational planned out through a doctorate degree. It just could not be understood how I could walk away from a free education. It was ok, I couldn't understand it either.

Earlier that summer something had happened. Those kind of things that you "just don't talk about." By the end of the summer I was so messed up emotionally. It was ok, because school was right around the corner and I knew I would be away from the things that had happened. I would try to put it out of my mind - I took 18 credit hours and took on a job at about 30 hours a week. As long as I could keep my mind busy, I wouldn't have to think, feel, or reflect on what had happened. I was strong and I was tough and since I thought things were my fault, I just had to suck it up and move on.

By week three, my grades were slipping. Assignments were not getting done, I was failing tests, I could hardly concentrate. This was not me. I started skipping classes because I didn't want to speak, let alone interact with anyone. I felt this was my punishment, my consequence for what I had done. By the time October rolled around I was failing all my classes and couldn't seem to get ahead of it. I was one to stand strong and proclaim "bring it on" at life's challenges. The tougher the challenge, the more I excited in it. I could not be defeated.

I can still remember the moment I had the thought "this must be what failure feels like." I had put a lot of unhealthy labels on myself through the years, yet I had never called myself a failure. I didn't even know what the word meant, it was always a foreign term. There I was, 20 years old and a college drop-out. I had failed.

I did go back to school. In '94 I got my Associate's degree and in '98 I returned to EIU. Two degrees and a certification later ('99 and '05) I may have redeemed myself educationally, yet not so much emotionally. It would take over 20 years before I could start to make peace with what happened that summer. Sometimes it still haunts me.

I am trying to learn to let things go. I am realizing there is something healthy and freeing to my soul to do so. I look back on my life and can identify key moments where "things changed" and not generally for the better. It still feels like dropping out of school was the catalyst that set all the rest into motion - the first domino in the pattern.

I would not change things if given the opportunity, as the people who have crossed my path and the experiences have made me who I am today (and I am kind of liking who I am). No, I would not change things, yet I would like to put them to rest. And, for the first time in my life, I think I have the strength to do so.

Redemption

I didn't do so good yesterday. I had the perfect opportunity to put a lot of skills into play and I dropped the ball. There it was, the perfect storm that I could have taken on and I reduced myself to less than I knew I was before it. Yes, physically I am not at 100% and that generally is a catalyst for these types of situations, yet at the end of the day it only equates to an excuse. I had the chance to prove myself and I didn't. I think it is time to add a new saying to my bathroom mirror: "This is when you use your skills."

re·deem: transitive verb \ri-ˈdēm\: to make (something that is bad, unpleasant, etc.) better or more acceptable

So how about some redemption? Instead of kicking myself for yesterday, can I redeem myself? Yes, I can't change yesterday, how I felt or how I reacted, yet I believe I can I find some peace with it. Therefore I am taking the hand offered to me last night and standing back up to see, with help of their guidance and my own thoughts, what I can make out of it. [breathe in....hold....breathe out....repeat, you are ok]

Was yesterday a loss?

Seems I need to define what a "loss" would be. Now that I stop and try to define that, it is not that easy. I guess the loss in my mind is when my actions hurt someone, when I revert back to old habits/behaviors, or when I quit the fight. No one was hurt (that I am aware of). I may not have implemented skills and I didn't backtrack either. Although the desire was there and strong, I did not choose anything self-destructive or self-harming. I didn't quit fighting even though I may have stopped for a brief moment to try and catch my breath. Therefore, I guess it can be concluded that yesterday really was not a loss. It would appear there may have been some small wins.

Whose voice was yelling at me?

That would be mine. Very distinct and authoritative. It is the voice fueled through the years by guilt and shame. Every time I screwed up (whether it was legitimate or not) it got stronger. It is the one that orchestrates the reminder messages when I don't meet my own expectations. It's like when you would get in trouble and your parents would use your full name to summon you. When you hear it, you know you have messed up.

What would I like to tell that voice?

I would love to just stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, "[Enter expletive here] you! I am not that person anymore!" Unfortunately, that indicates that at one time I was that person the voice claims, which is tough as I want to believe that I never was. It is hard because I felt (and sometimes still do) like I was that person who always was the screw up or the cause of pain and unhappiness to others. Which transitions into the next question easily.

Is something true because it feels true?

I hesitate even though I want to say, "Isn't it?" I have no clue how to even address this. Ok, let's think here. Do things exist in absolutes only? No. Can opposites coexist - can something be true and feel false, be false and feel true? Yes. So this is not an absolute statement, yet a plausible one. This is not getting me real far here. Let's put it in a statement matching the scenario - I must be horrible because I feel horrible. Well, crap, now that it's put that way I guess the answer would be no. I am not horrible just because I "feel" horrible. My actions dictate my worth, not my feelings. And, dang it, I am not horrible and I hate that I have to keep fighting for justification with myself.

Do you really feel you are not learning anything?

No, that's a false statement. I learn things everyday. I'm learning from class, practice, life experiences. I'm doing what I need to do and the extra I do on top of that is not hurting either. I may have not used all the skills and tools I could have yesterday, yet I obviously used some. If I think how I would have reacted to a day like yesterday even six months ago, it would be so far and away different as I chose to react yesterday. The only fooling I would be doing is trying to convince myself that I haven't learned anything.

So how about next time?

Yes, this is probably not the last time I will be facing this. It's putting to work all I know, all I have written on, all I will continue to learn. Yes, I am going to struggle, I think that is inevitable and kind of unrealistic to think it won't happen. One way we grow is from pain and struggle. If they didn't exist, how could we better ourselves? When you get comfortable, you quit progressing. I am not changing life, I am changing how I interact with it.

What can be taken away from this?

If putting the thoughts out there in writing helps to sort them out, then don't stop with the thoughts alone. "Talk" through them, work through them, kick them around until you get the outcome you are satisfied with. You really don't have to cower just because you are told to (by yourself or others). It is your right to stand and question and get the answers you want, even if it is against yourself.

How many people have now made reference to you about things being the hardest before they get better? Listen to them. They know what they are talking about. If you can't buy into it right now, I am sure any of them would let you ride on their coattails for a bit until you can own it yourself too.

Don't forget about God. He is not going anywhere and neither are His angels. Yes, I know you struggle yet do not deny who you know you are. He doesn't bite. I promise.

And, will you PLEASE get off the whole "I have to do this myself" kick?? Seriously, I totally admire the whole independent thing there and I get it, there is a level of "warm fuzzy" personal satisfaction from figuring something out on your own. And I know you, be honest, do you really find it that enjoyable to figure things out alone? Have you ever thought that even if you did know how to do something that someone else might have a different way of doing it? And have you thought that the other person might learn something from you? It isn't about the things you will learn by doing it alone, it is about the things you will learn with other viewpoints. Hello? Theater in the round?? Let go of your pride and quit judging yourself just because you ask for assistance. It does not make you less of a person. If anything, it shows a lot of strength. And, since people have offered their help, you can't even come up with an excuse that you are bothering them. Let it go. Although not an exercise I would suggest doing today (or even this week), go back and look at some of the things you couldn't accomplish because you couldn't bring yourself to ask for help. How many of those things could you have completed?

So remember, when you read "This is when you use your skills" that means now, right now. Every moment is an opportunity, take it.

Now, go do your homework, you have class in 2.5 hours.

Darkness

I like winning. I am not going to lie. I liked it when I was an athlete and I liked it when I was a coach. There's nothing like a great game and at the end of it you come out on top. Of course when I started coaching I always taught the kids that it was more about what you gave than what the scoreboard said. If you gave it everything you had, then you won. Sometimes the scoreboard doesn't show in our favor, yet our hearts do. I can't lie though, it is nice to see your team with the higher number when that final buzzer goes off.

So what about losing? I hate to lose. I hate to lose even if I have given it every last drop of energy I have. I don't care if it is an athletic event or battling everyday life. I hate to lose. At some level you learn to accept it yet that does not mean you have to like it. I try to look at loss as a learning experience. What did I do? Where did it seem to fault? What can I change next round? The worst loss is the one you see coming and you know there is nothing you can do but sit back and let it roll through.

It is nice to go to bed each night and honestly tell yourself that you won for the day. I find more times I even wake up excited to see what the day has to bring. I am getting used to this peace of mind thing. It is a good thing. It is a nice change.

Then there are days like today.

These are the days where your mind goes and digs up all the negative moments, the less-effective choices,  the pain and hurt caused to you, the pain and hurt you may have caused to others, all the losses, and throws it right out in front of you in your face. A cruel reminder of the dark corner that may always be there.

I caught on quickly to what was happening. Thinking I am stronger than this now, I have been battling all day to stand up to it and take control. I've beaten some smaller versions of this along the way and I would like to think I can finally stand up to the big guy now. It's not working so good.

I feel like every time I stand up I am shoved back down and told "sit down and shut up, this is who you are. quit fooling yourself and quit fooling everyone else." It sucks and it hurts. It hurts deep. It is like someone has put their fist through my chest to very depths of my soul then lit it on fire. My very being is in pain. Yup, can't express how much I have missed that feeling.

As far back as I can remember I have dealt with the mind games. When I was younger it was mostly low self-esteem thoughts. As I got older the thoughts got darker and came along with with a lot of destructive feelings. To close my eyes for even a moment to breathe brought very visual thoughts of harm. To close my eyes for a time was worse. The images were disturbing and horribly violent. They were damage by my own hand and others and they played over and over until I fell asleep or found a way to pass out to escape them. In the waking hours I could feel them even without the visual.

It has only been in this current year that I have been able to get some good control over it. It hasn't been easy yet I have been successful. The destructive thoughts still come and go yet it is at a low level and manageable. I honestly thought the days of it coming back full force were long gone. I am wondering if the thoughts didn't just go away and take some time to grow and strengthen, waiting for a moment to come back with a vengeance. Well, hey old friends, nice to friggin' see you.....not.

I understand why it's back today. I've been sick. Any shock to my body (illness, surgery, etc.) stirs the bucket. It's like someone forgets to put the lock on the gate and the little demons sneak out and cause some havoc. I usually anticipate it and make it part of my recovery plan. I just don't understand why it has come so strong this time. This isn't the gate getting left open, this is the whole fence getting knocked down. There is a huge prison riot going on in my head and body.

It is hard and I just want to scream out for help, yet what do you answer when someone replies with "what do you need help with?" and you don't know how to explain it. I start an email with "Struggling today, can you assure me it will be ok?" then I question if that is a good choice and delete it. Some battles may just be ones I have to fight alone. If I can't teach myself that it is going to be ok, then what do I learn? My first move cannot be reaching out, it has to be taking my best shot on my own. Then, if I still can't get it figured out, consider asking for help.

Then I start to question myself, am I even allowed to struggle anymore? Is that bad? What has been the point of all this changing I am working on...to get stronger and healthier. I'm supposed to be stronger. I'm not supposed to let this stuff get to me anymore. And I begin to think, am I really listening and paying attention? Am I not doing the work I should be doing? Am I fooling myself?

The upside is that I have a full afternoon. I have to go face life. I will stay busy enough to drown it out for a while. All I can do at the moment is keep telling myself, "This is not who you are nor is it who you were. You are much more than this." If I have to say it 4000 times today, I will. And I will smile and fight the fight and no one will have a clue.

This is not who I am.

This is not who I was.

I am more than this.

I will not lose.

Planning

I've been wanting to write for several days now and have kept telling myself no. I'm fighting "the crud" as my grandmother always referred to it as, and since I am on this new thing of taking care of myself, I actually went to the doc and got some medicine. Sinus infection and bronchitis. Yup, right on time for it's annual appearance.

So why no writing until now? When I am sick, I am grumpy and very opinionated. I make the "man-cold" look like a walk in the park. It has been threatened that when I get sick people will put one of those lighted marquee signs in my front lawn that says "enter at your own risk" on it. I whine, I gripe, I am annoying. I can't make up my mind if I want to be left alone or cuddled (even though cuddled is not even a plausible option). I also seem to speak my mind much more bluntly than when I am not sick. People avoid me. It is ok. I am very aware of how I am and therefore do all I can to avoid people. I know I become the spawn of Satan and therefore I just hide out until I start feeling human again. Even Ali used to go sleep in the other room when I was sick. Now, that is just sad.

Thus, I grounded myself from writing in hopes that I would not write something that I would kick myself for later. It is possibly a wise decision as I reflect on all the things I really wanted to write about. I think it would have resulted in what was referred to in class last week as "throwing gasoline on a fire." Yes, time away was the healthy choice here. Oh, worry not, I did still work through those other thoughts over the past few days, they just never made it to a medium that could come back to haunt me!

And so tonight, I am releasing myself from the time-out chair. Although still under the influence of cold medicine and prescription drugs (taken as directed) I have no clue where this will go. You think I side-bar and talk on multiple topics at once in person? Um, can't really guarantee that won't happen here. I know, I can go back and edit it all out, yet where is the fun in that. Worry not, if it is a disaster, I'm going to chalk it up as a DUI and go from there. 

And so, with that, let us all stand and say, "If you fail to plan, plan to fail."

Yup, still a cheesy sounding line. It was told to us over and over again in the mission. Matter of fact, it is written at the top of several of my weekly planners from that time. How much smoother things would go if you just took time to make a plan. Always have a plan. Heck, have a few plans because in the mission most times plan A never did actually happen. Even though we made a lot of jokes about the phrase, there was just way too much truth to it.

Yes, it actually is good advice.

We've learned a lot of skills and tools in class so far. I look forward to what still lies ahead to learn. What I have enjoyed along this journey as well is how I can take what I am learning and team it with what I already know to come out with an even stronger arsenal.

A lot of the focus has been on behaviors - healthy behaviors. For example, instead of punching something, how about taking a few (or several) deep breaths and going for a walk. Distract yourself with something non-destructive.

You know, I realized something in class the other night. When an answer is "anger" or something relating to being angry, I am always the person called on. Now, this does not bother me one bit. Matter of fact, I started chuckling when I realized how often it happens. It kind of makes me feel special. Yah, anger management is not really one of my strong suits. I can own it. I guess it could have been the pros/cons exercise on punching things. Could also have something to do with sharing how I broke my kitchen counter trying to bust a piece of lumber across it because I was mad. Dude, can I just state for the record how bad that stung my hands?? Lesson learned there - get a board with the grain running the opposite direction! (Ok, ok, ok, lesson learned - find a different behavior - grin). Hey, I'm a peaceful person. Really, I am. I'm also red-headed and seem to have the stereotypical temper that goes along with that. I do have a limit. Sure, it takes quite a bit to push me beyond that limit, yet it is there. Why do you think I try to repress anger as much as I can?

Ok, what were we talking about....planning. So, how can having a plan help with behaviors? Once you have an idea of emotions that seem to come and go a lot where you struggle with behavior choices, planning can be your greatest weapon. Ah heck, since we are already on the subject, let's take anger. If I know that when I get to a certain level of anger, I react in a certain way, then I can plan ahead for my course of action. I have had to tell myself that punching things is no longer an acceptable behavior. It's off the list. No longer a choice. Great, eh?? Well, except that now if that level of emotion rolls around I am left with a void. So, make a plan, make a plan right now. Decide what is going to be my course of action if I get that angry. (Yes, I hope that the additional skills that I am learning will help me from getting to "defcon 5" yet let's be realistic, it will happen again at some point.) And this is where the phrase comes to life - if I fail to make a plan as to what I am going to do when I get that angry, I can pretty much plan to fail at my choice selection and will probably punch something.

See, cheesy yet useful.

Let's go a step further (or backwards depending on how you look at it). Can I identify what the trigger is that sets me off to be that angry? If there are multiple ones, can I identify one to start with? Let's say that getting a "nasty-gram" text message from a certain person results in the high level of anger. Although we have a plan in place to deal with the anger, can we come up with a plan on how to deal with that situation so it doesn't end up in anger? Again, make a plan. When messages from this person arrive, what do you do now? What in this can be changed? Can you make a plan on what you will do from now on? Can you adjust that plan so hopefully you don't end up having to implement the anger avoidance plan?

Again, planning saves the world....and your knuckles.

Ok, really, this works. I know it does because I have been doing it. As I am able to recognize things, I try to make a plan on how not to end up at that emotional crisis point the next time. A little more everyday example. I have social anxiety issues and realize that there are certain places I go that cause me to become anxious and, depending on how long I am in those locations, generally impacts the level of anxiety I experience. I know this. It's not even a hypothesis, it is scientific fact. I can't avoid these places, that is not a good choice either. I've been through agoraphobia and it was about as damaging as just jumping into a lake of sharks. You can't run away and you can't hide from life. Therefore, depending on the location, the plan adjusts, yet I have always have a plan. It has worked so far. Sure, it still is tough sometimes, yet I am able to keep control over it.

There has to be some patience with all this too. I am just learning/recognizing many of the triggers that throw me for a loop emotionally. Instead of my first reaction being frustration and anger (<--- yup, there it is again) with myself for not catching it, I have to tell myself, "Oh, there's one, remember that, we need to make a plan for next time" and keep moving - don't shut down. And, yes, it is life. There are going to be days when the plan just doesn't go the way you intended or falls through completely. There will be times when you thought you had a plan and realize that your plan isn't going to work no matter how much you try to implement it. It is ok, life is not perfect and neither or we. That would be why you have all those other skills from class.

And thus, here endeth the lesson.

Dancing in the round

There is something freeing when you dance. Not dancing at a club, but choreographed dancing. No matter the style, you lose yourself in the movement and music. Life can't touch you when you dance because at that moment you are life itself. 

For a couple years before I moved back up here, I had the chance to tap again with a dance company. Dancing was the last item on the list of things the doctors told me I would never be able to do again after hurting my back in the mission. I had danced from the time I was 3-13 and then again in college. To take to the floor again was exhilarating, fun, and even as big as I was, I was still good at it. Oh how I had missed that feeling. My only regret was that I didn't do it a few years earlier. I often joke that Heavenly Father gave me the heart of a dancer and the body of a linebacker. Since I moved I don't have the chance to dance with that troupe, yet each year I return for performance week and run the backstage crew. Once a dancer, always a dancer.

Since the Fine Arts building was under renovation our recitals were over in the Little Theater which was a theater "in the round." This was a new experience for me. I had only danced in traditional theaters - crowd sat downstage and the performances were designed for that single point of view. Now the audience surrounded us on all four sides and the "stage" was much smaller and squared. We also were at the same base vantage point as the first row, not on a raised stage. Choreography was designed with a lot of movement as to accommodate each crowd section (I remember one routine that included giving high-fives to people in the first row because they are literally right there in your face). It was a challenge and it was amazing to have that opportunity.

In class, one concept we learned is known as "dialectics" or the idea that there is more than one way to see something or to solve something. Opposites can (and do) coexist and can equally be true or false. It is not "this BUT that," rather "this AND that." The only thing guaranteed to be constant is that things can (and will) change. The beauty of it is that this change only gives us more information. If we can take a moment to look at something differently or listen to how someone else perceives it we may find a deeper understanding and acceptance with it. Life is not solely black and white at the ends of the spectrum, rather it mingles in the ever changing multiple shades of gray.

So what does this have to do with my dance career? Simple. Take a seat in the traditional theater. You are welcome to any of them, I usually like about 4 rows back in the middle. Since it is the holidays, we will put a huge nutcracker on the stage. Tell me what you see. What do you think it is made out of? What do the colors look like under the lighting? How does the lighting affect the shadows? Take your time and just look. Observe as much as you can. Do you feel you have the most complete information you can get about this nutcracker based on your one point of view? Awesome!

Ok, let's go over to the theater in the round. Take a seat again anywhere. As well, three others are going to join you - there is now one person sitting in each section of the squared theater. Again, I place the nutcracker on the stage floor. It is facing you as it was in the traditional theater. As before, observe all you can and tell me what you see.

Alright, now, I am going to ask the same questions to the others in the theater. Listen to what they saw. Is is different from what you saw? Did they see things you didn't? Did they see the same things you did and described them differently? How does this affect your original thought about the nutcracker? You may even be a little curious to see things like they did.

Cool, eh? The power of dialog to help you look at something in a different way that you may not have thought of before. Now, here is the tricky part - when you are working alone and don't have that feedback from others, how do you get the dialectic?

Staying in the round, lets start by putting the nutcracker on a lazy Susan and spin it 45 degrees. With each turn, you get a different view of it. Here is the question - are you really getting a full, different view? No. Although the nutcracker is changing, the lighting is the same. The way the sound come through the theater is still the same. Your vantage point is still the same.

So get up. Move to the other side of the theater.

As you walk over there, keep looking at the nutcracker. How is it changing? How does the light shift and shadows adjust as your vantage point changes? Take your time, you don't have to run across the floor, you have all the time in the world to observe this. When you get to the other side does it look different if you sit in the first row as to sitting in the top row? Go check it out from the other seating sections. Now tell me, what do you see? I bet it is much richer than your answer in the traditional theater. Awesome, awesome job. You did amazing. Someone out there might even say "YIPPEE!!"

Now, come sit by me. Close your eyes. Tell me an emotion you are feeling right now. If you are like me, that is a hard question to answer because you are so limited in your emotional vocabulary. Let's take it to the theater in the round. Can you "step away" and leave yourself on the stage? Walk around and see what you can observe. How are you breathing - is it deep or shallow? What is your body language saying? What is physically happening - are you shaking or sweating? What are your facial expressions? Are your thoughts calm or racing? Remember, you are not locked into one view in this theater, look at all sides, all vantage points. Look at it closely and look at it from afar. Do you feel you have gathered all the information you need? It is ok to keep looking, take all the time you need. Come sit with me again when you are done.

Are you able to give this emotion a name now? If not, what do you think it is? What would you like to call it? Once you name it, you have given yourself the ability to recognize it from the start. You just took power over it. Once you have the power over it, you can manage it.

So tell me, dancer, what do you see?