Food review

I was asked in session today about how I am doing with the eating/nutrition stuff. In my infamous talking about several topics at one time, I never really did answer the question. In looking for a neutral, not really emotional or feeling, topic to write about, I decided that I would just take the chance to answer it here. It allows me to sit and really review how I am doing and it also gives me a record of it (I print my blog posts and save them in a binder). With that....

Keeping a food journal

I have done amazing with this. I have been honest with it. I sent my first week back to Jeanette last Friday and she was very happy with my efforts. She gave me challenge again to work toward eating at more consistent times and that I had done great with my recording. She reinforced that the scheduling will teach my mind/body that it is going to get food at certain times, so that the emotional "I'm going to starve" thought patterns would lessen. We worked up a basic schedule that includes three meals and two snack times during the day. This has been my goal this week, to try and start really staying on schedule.

I had also been given the goal to eat a carb, fat, and protein at each meal (and snack if possible). I am not doing too bad with this. I pretty much eat the same things all the time, so that helps out. I am trying to work on having things already cooked up so I don't get that "what am I going to eat" anxiety. Keeping this in mind is helping me balance the nutrition a little better. I was eating super high protein and very limited carbs which I needed to even out a little better. Awareness wins - looking at my plate, knowing what I need to have represented on it, deciding if I have that, and fixing it if not.

Another goal for this weeks' journal that I have added for myself, is to add fluid and exercise. Keeping track of fluids not in the main entries is helping me keep aware of my hydration issues. Having the exercise record makes me actually do it.

Avoiding the numbers

This gets a little better each day. Last week, I had so much anxiety with it. In playing the "I can handle this" game, I looked at the scales when I had a doctor appointment last week. I very quickly learned why I had been told to let the numbers go. I learned, once again, the stove really is hot. One day I will learn to just take someones word and not go trying to find out for myself. Thoughts still linger. When I walk into the bathroom, I always look down at the spot where the scales always sat. It is a habit that has kind of surprised me. It seems to validate the power of behaviors. A part of me is still trying to perform that behavior of weighing when I go by, even though the scales are gone.

This week, I have tried to let myself "just eat" and not get hung up on looking at the food and trying to remember calories or serving sizes or things like that. I am so "careful" I don't think there will be a problem with over-portioning or second helpings. I was able to make a trip to the store the other day without too much worry. I knew what I needed, went in and picked those things up, and left. I didn't wander through the isles reminding myself of things I could not have. It really is one day...sometimes meal...at a time.

Slowing down - before and while eating

If I didn't think I would pull my shoulder, I would pat myself on the back for this. I have done really well with it....no, seriously, I have! I was starting to think I would need to purchase one of those food bowls for dogs that make them have to work to get their food so they don't eat so fast.

I'm still trying to figure out how not to stand at the fridge or counter when drinking a protein shake, yet when it is a plate of food, I am not eating it while fixing it and standing at the counter. I might take a bite and then I remind myself to not do that. I go to wherever I am headed, sit down, say thanks, then start eating.

I am even doing good with one of my biggest issues - eating too fast. I had made goals to help with this and it seems to have paid off. It takes a lot of effort as I still instinctively just want to eat as quick as I can. I make extra efforts to put the silverware down between bites and not pick it back up until I have finished the bite in my mouth. I am even catching myself not chewing and reminding myself that I can't scarf the food, it is not going anywhere and no one is taking it from me.

I still multitask when I eat and this is fine. As I am still far from "savoring the eating experience" I have no problem using other tasks to help me slow down. What I have actually found is that as I have slowed down and taken longer, I often am starting to get a full feeling before I finish my plate. I have learned that it takes about 20 min or so for your body to register that it is full, so I try to take at least that long to eat. It is a cycle of thought and action I have to go through each meal, and that is ok. I know the more I work hard at it, it will eventually become a new habit....a much healthier one.

Social eating

Jeanette had told me that I had to quit avoiding social situations where food was involved. The thoughts of making friends with these types of scenarios was not really a top on my things I wanted to do, yet I understood why I need to.

My first round was Easter. I made it and am glad we are through the major "big dinner" holidays for several months. Although it came with its fair share of guilt, shame, and discouraging thoughts, I got through it. I most likely could have done better with the mind-games side of it, and then again, I could have made some really less-effective choices too. I have to remember that this fell three days after I started on this new road, therefore I am just letting it go as "I survived."

Round two was this past Friday. We had a potluck at work. Those are the worst sometimes. Of course, this one was carb-city. Pizza, pasta, mac and cheese, chips, grilled cheese sandwiches (yes, we have amazing potlucks that include an electric griddle), and more. My friend Kate had told me to go out there and not let it get to me, just take a deep breath and remember I was in control. It was a good thought. I went out and just kept to the side, feeling my anxiety rise more and more as time went by. When offered a place in line, I graciously answered "go ahead, I'm waiting" and kept telling myself to just keep breathing. I thought about just going back downstairs to my office, yet that would defeat the whole concept of being around food socially. I could do this....I hoped.

Kate came out to join us and saw me to the side. She came over, handed me a plate and I showed her my hands just shaking. She told me to take a deep breath and walked through the line with me, quietly telling me what was ok for me to choose from. As I sat eating, I kept my "eat slowly" thoughts active and tried to just be in the moment of enjoying the company of my coworkers. I just tried to remind myself that this was about spending time with friends and had nothing to do with the food. The only one who was concerned about what and how much was on my plate was myself and I did the best I could to let those thoughts go.

Next week we have a potluck for last class. It helps a little that I have some idea of the food that will be there and it will be a good test for me too. Always opportunities to practice. I have already told myself that skipping is not an option. I have not walked out of or missed a class so far and I am not going to allow my fear of social eating to make me start now. It will be ok, I know it will.

Thoughts and feelings

Whereas I am doing wonderful with the behavior side of things, the emotions and feelings and thoughts are tougher to tackle at times. I asked Jeanette this past week in email if the head-games ever stop. She told me most times they don't and yet that doesn't mean I can't manage them. They may always try to make an appearance, yet as I work on the behaviors, I will be able to combat the mental side of it better.

I don't understand where I am in all of this. It feels so large and complex - much more than I thought it was. I still fight with the thought patterns of "I just won't eat" or "I will eat less" when I know those are not healthy thinking. Sure, I am not binging or abstaining from eating like before, yet I know my behaviors have a way to go still. I find myself thinking, "what has happened to me?" I was supposed to get healthy across the board, not veer off on some unknown path.

I can't seem to grasp why I am so afraid of food, why it causes so much apprehension and anxiety. Some days it is still hard to combat the feeling that I am being punished for doing something wrong.

I have this, almost obsessive, thought of "I can't gain weight" and cannot make sense of how or why it is there at that extreme. I can't even come up with an answer to "well, why can't you?" All I have at this point is, "I just can't." Although I know I would have to work hard to return to where I was so unhealthy physically and health wise (if that is even possible), anything in that direction has me scared. It is like in my head, a 1-pound gain equals a 400-pound result.

I think about my adding "exercise" to my journal. Somewhere I have gone to this "if I am going to have to eat, I will just make sure I exercise every day to equal it out." Sure, I am guessing that there could be a healthy place with that and I know my rationale is riding on the line....a very thin and unhealthy line. I walked 1. 25 miles in 20 minutes earlier today. My first thought....that should cancel out my breakfast calories. I know that is so enormously the wrong way to think and still, it is happening. Sometimes it is like watching a train wreck and you can't turn away from it and you can't stop it. There it is...happening right in front of you....and you can do nothing about it.

I still struggle with body image. I keep looking at photos from the race this weekend. I look at them and instead of seeing an amazing achievement, I see my physical size and my continued thought is, "you have put on weight." Then, at church Sunday, three people ask me if I have lost more weight. Things are not matching up. Somebody is not seeing things correctly and I want to say it is everybody else when I know in reality, it is me. I just don't understand.

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So, there it is. About as detailed of a report that I can give at this point. I'm just taking it one moment at a time. I just keep trying to stay positive with it and hope I can start to figure out the questions I need to ask to get the answers that will help me. It is hard sometimes to ask for help when you can't express what you need help with. I have to celebrate the wins and achievements and remember that the rest will slowly come along too. Seeing I have to eat for the rest of my life, it is my hope that one day I will be able to do it healthy and in peace and without fear and anxiety.

Step one....just keep breathing.

Still a fighter

I have spent some days away from here and I don't feel guilty for it. I'm not 100% sure why I am choosing to write a little tonight. This is my place to put words down, talk through struggles, and feel emotions. Yup, that was the original intent of starting to write here - to make friends with and get comfortable with feelings and emotions I had long ago ran from and learned to avoid.

It has worked. This little "neutral ground" has been a place where all can meet up and make heads and tails of things. Earlier in the week, I felt as if the emotions and feelings were just taking there share out of the middle plus more. Too much feeling at one time, I was caught off-guard. I wasn't ready for it and I didn't care for it. In order to maintain a healthy functioning level in the real world, I picked up my toys and walked out of the sandbox, not really knowing when or if I would come back.

I still am weary. As I heal, I am coming upon new feelings, emotions, questions, and worries. I am having trouble figuring out how to address them or even find a way to express them in a healthy way, so I felt my only choice was to walk away for a while. I'm still having trouble finding words to match what is running through my mind. Who knows, maybe this a good thing? Maybe it is some crazy mile marker of actually healing. I have no clue.

I guess the "way to go" moment in it was the simple fact I could recognize it (even if I can't explain it), step away from it, and still function in the things I needed to as well as move forward with my life. I did not let it attach to me like a shadow. I stuck it in a box, put it on a shelf, and left it. Sure, I thought about it from a distance, yet I didn't have to stare it in the face. There has to be something positive with that. I am hoping when I decide to open the box again, it is not as big as when I first put it in there. I would like to just never open the box again, yet I don't think that is a good choice.

I had a good day yesterday though! I proved to myself that I still had fight in me. I pulled off an emotional and physical comeback that I did not think was going to happen, and I did good.

Learning that I still have plenty of road to travel, I am happy to know that I did not completely burn my health bridge to the ground.

When the discouraging thoughts kicked in about mile 2.5, I told myself to let them go. They always kick in at that point, so it was expected and I felt I could just say "and there they are" and let them pass. I did well with that.

They rolled around again just after mile 4. Did not think I was going to win that one. Then I remembered I wasn't alone. I looked at my friend walking with me, said to her, "this is what I need you to do, put your hand on my shoulder and leave it there for a few" For the next quarter mile, with that little help, I got through it. The thoughts didn't come back the rest of the race.

I knew at mile 5 I was physically in trouble. I had started having cold chills and stopped sweating. I knew that was the big "oh crap" moment of being badly dehydrated. With 1.2 miles left, I was not stopping, no way. Call it willfulness or whatever, the only way I was stopping was if I passed out.

Mile 5.5 passed the office, and there on the corner were all the racers and coaches. They were cheering (very loudly at that) for.....me. Kate told me that she was inside and said she was going out to cheer me on and they were like "what! Christy's coming?" and they all stopped what they were doing and came out too. I could not have been more touched than seeing them all there. It's me who cheers for them and it was a little overwhelming to be in the opposite spot. I also realized what our time was at that moment and gave them a big "I'm going to beat 2 hours!" shout as I passed. That little moment took my mind off being dehydrated (probably not really good) and gave me the extra push to finish.

There was nothing going to stop me at that point. I just kept looking at my friend and saying, "they all came out, they really came out." Yes, even though I had been assured they would be there, I didn't really believe it. You know, it was just me, not like I am an elite athlete like them. It would seem I am their hero as much as they are mine.

We crossed at 1:57:59 (as the official times were posted today). I finished. I took some doubt and fear and tossed it to wolves. I proved to myself that I still can persevere and I still have fight in me. Ok, so I started doubting that about 3 minutes after we crossed the finish line. Yah, I suddenly was reminded of that dehydration issue and my body shut down. A trip to the first aid tent, some water, Gatorade, and a bag of IV fluids and my faith had been restored!!!

I still have it in me. I can still fight the fight. I often forget that I am kind of amazing like that. I just hope that I am amazing enough to figure out the latest round of things rolling through my brain.

Here endeth the lesson

I need to state a few facts:

1. I am not in a good place emotionally, nor do I care to try and change that at the moment. I just want to rant and bitch. Yes, I know it is called being willful and I have the choice to practice it.
2. I would be better to just continually read yesterday's post over and over and not even come near writing one tonight and again, I choose not to.
3. I understand that I am not my emotions and thus am going to allow myself the freedom to just go off on life because sometimes I get tired of smiling like there is nothing wrong.
4. I am going to try and not say anything I might regret later and I will try to control my language. I will just say out loud the words that I will so graciously not type.
5. There is a good chance of a lot of negativity. I have no intentions of going back and editing this like I normally do with my posts. Welcome to first drafts.
6. I understand that things may not really be (or be as bad) as I feel or see them right now and I am willing to accept that......tomorrow.

With that, I can only say, you have been warned as I have no clue what direction this is going to go.

I hate the fact that I have had to go through the things I have this year by myself. I hate that I am alone. Ok, so yes, I have the most amazing support group a person could ask for (when I utilize them) and even with that, the reality is, at the end of the day, I am alone.

I "fight the fight" by myself. I come home from class, session, or other things and there is no one here to say "how did it go" or put their arms around me and tell me to hang in there, it will be ok. That really sucks sometimes and that is how I have chosen for things to be. Even with that choice, it is hard to be alone in this many times.

So many times, although I know better, I feel like I am the only person with the issues and struggles I face. I have become very selective with what I share with friends and family because I don't want them to worry. I don't want them to know how fragile I really am so I choose to go it alone. When I do share, I stay very aware of their body language as it is a more truthful scale of their reactions and feelings than their replies. It is my link to know how much more to share or not share.

I think my brother has caught on that I am going through something really tough right now because he always asks how therapy session has gone. In the past I would tell him most everything and we would have quite a conversation about it. For weeks now, the reply he has gotten is, "it went fine" with no details. You see, when I get quiet, you know something is wrong.

I'm mad at myself, so flipping angry. There has not been much self-compassion today past 11:00 am when the thoughts, feelings, and emotions really kicked in. I am frustrated and disappointed with myself. The more I think about things, the worse it gets. After all the success I have had up to this point, I would rather punch a mirror than look in it right now.

This journey has been hard. It has been worth it, every step forward and backwards has been worth it, and it has been one of the toughest things I have ever had to do in my life. I know today is just a moment. Today's emotions include feeling lost, scared, and weary with myself. I am where I am because I made unhealthy choices and learned unhealthy habits that apparently are so deeply engrained that they have far too much power over me. I really did not think I would ever catch myself saying "I hate you" ever again, yet it came out of my mouth today....a few times.

As if the fire was not burning away quite well on its own, toss in the gyno exam from hell and emotionally I have shut down. Yah, all of that is not helping either, yet who do you talk to about things like this? There is scary shit happening to my body and I am freaked out. I came home this afternoon and went to bed, I had to. I couldn't slow the thoughts and feelings and emotions down. The only way to get a little relief was to be unconscious. Ok, good thing >> I fell asleep on my own, I did not resort to doing something unhealthy to aide it along. I thought about it, yet I don't have anything in my possession anymore to pull a stunt like that. I guess that is good.

I am scared and I am alone to deal with it. All my years of being big, bad, and tough are coming back to haunt me. This is the message I have always put out there and it has been taken, respected, and acted upon. Yes, I continually put out the signal that I can take care of myself, while the truth is, most times I really don't care to do it by myself.  I know, I know, how can someone help if they don't know there is a need.

I understand, and still, many times I have this false sense of hope that I won't have to put out a bat signal, someone will just know. They just come and sit by you. They put their arm around you and when you lay your head on their shoulder, they just hold you closer. They never ask questions. If you talk they just listen. If you don't speak, that is ok too. There is an amazing healing power in touch. There is no blame here and I am not trying to put it out there. Just stating facts. Remember, this is just my time of ranting and raving and complaining. It is a moment I am allowing myself and will probably kick myself for later.

I just feel so lost, alone, and scared. I know, it will be better tomorrow. I know I can make it better right now if I choose, and yet, is it bad to just want someone else to make better....even just for one time? I guess it is not wrong to want that as long as I remember that this is not how life works.

Maybe it is so much more intense now than in the past because I know what it feels like to not feel so negative. Still angry with myself though. It is hard not to look in a mirror and think, "look at what you have done to yourself" and that would be negative things, not positive. I know, it is just life. This is how it is. I am just so emotionally exhausted at the moment and I am losing my desire to fight. I keep trying because it is not "losing my desire and looking to go back to old ways" as much as "losing my desire and wanting to stop the fight for good" and that scares me.

Today, the demons have gotten the best of me.

Everything I needed to know...

... I learned in DBT class

• Just breathe
• Live in the moment, don't worry about what is coming or what has passed
• Sometimes, it is what it is
• You don't have to like or agree with something to accept it
• Opposites can exist at the same time
• Always know where your blue donkey can be found
• You always have a choice
• There is always another way to look at something
• Pain = Pain
• Pain with non acceptance = suffering
• Wise mind ACCEPTS, we can too
• Make the moment better by improving it
• Be compassionate and judge not - especially with yourself
• All emotions are valid and always have a purpose
• Keep your PLEASE Master happy
• AND not BUT
• Some people don't like releasing balloons into the sky and it is ok
• It is ok to want to throw gasoline on someone and light them on fire, as long as you don't actually do it
• Willing over Willful
• You are not your emotions
• You can ask for what you really want
• It is ok to be sad
• You are just as worthy as the next person
• Do what you know, use what you have
• Do something for yourself every day
• Look for the good in things
• Be willing to try
• Emotions have a cycle, you can control the speed
• Remember, you are never alone
• Sometimes, try the opposite
• Be mindful
• Be happy
• Enjoy living

Thank you for teaching me that I have it in myself to live, not just survive.

He understands

Since I spent time talking about the darker side of today, I take great joy in following it up with the greater side of things.

Before moving back down to Charleston, I lived several months with a friend and her two children. We lived in a 2-bedroom townhouse. The kids (9 and 10 years old) had one room and my friend had the other. I lived under the stairs. Yes, that is what I said. The closet under the stairs was about 3.5 feet by 10 feet and that was my room. I had one of those flip out college fabric chairs for a bed and a little space left to hang clothes. Yes, as I have looked back on it over the years, it was as sad as it sounds. For that time, though, I was so low in life that I really didn't care about too much, even the fact I was sleeping in a closet that when people went up and down the stairs, wood shavings and dirt fell on top of me. It was just another chapter in my life.

As I would lie there thinking about where I had been (this was post mission) and where I was, the thoughts were pretty dark. I was so lost, depressed, confused, and tired. I would get up at 4 am to stand in a cold warehouse in the winter, rolling newspapers for the 2-hour route I had. I remember how I would look around and think to myself how I had a college education and this was the only job I could get. I was embarrassed and humiliated and disgusted with myself. Every day I would try to remember good times, and yet those memories caused more heartache than joy. I had no one to talk to, no one I could trust, and no where else to go. Who would even listen and who would understand anyways?

One of the greatest gifts we have in this life is a knowledge that there is one who lived who came to know all pain and all joy as well. The stories of Christ's last days almost always focus on taking upon Him the sins of the world (experiencing all the bad) and yet, He felt all - from the highest high to the lowest low. He had to. In order for the Atonement to be infinite, He had to experience all so He could truly be our Redeemer, understanding anything that we might pass through ourselves.

I remember night after night, laying there thinking how no one could ever understand what I was feeling. I was in so much pain emotionally and mentally that I would not even know where to start to explain it. Temporally, I had really put myself in quite a situation. Spiritually, I was almost non-existent. Then I remembered, there was one who would understand. There existed one person who would know. That was Christ. He could know because at some point He had felt it. I knew it to be true and I had just returned less than a year prior from my mission where I taught it multiple times a day. Yes, it was true. The question then became, was a too lost to be fixed. Was I too broken to be blessed by the Atonement of Christ? I sure felt like I was.

I would hang onto that simple thought - Christ understood. Sure, I would have been much happier if Christ could have been there physically and we could have had a face-to-face chat, and yet I was content with what I could get. As I would fight to keep from sliding further down the spiral, I would just keep thinking, "Christ understands, you are not alone." My prayers were more of begging for peace and strength and comfort. If He understood, then maybe He could save me somehow as I was not really doing a good job of it myself - as hard as I was trying. It was not long past that time when things changed and I moved back south. I believe that He had a huge hand in making the things transpire that needed to in order to get that into motion.

I have never forgotten that time simply because of the strengthening of my testimony that Christ lives and loves us. That He understands all. As alone as we may feel in this life, we are not truly alone, as there is always one who can understand. It is a piece of knowledge that has help keep me alive for many years. I am blessed that when I forget, somehow I am reminded through others.

My testimony is simple - I know that Christ lives. I know that He loves every single one of us. I know that He felt all from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows so that He could be there for us, no matter where we were in our lives. He rejoices with us and He cries with us. He cheers us on loudly and speaks to us softly. His sacrifice opened the door for us, that through repentance, we may return to live with Him and our Heavenly Father again after this life. We are not alone.

Cristo ha resucitado; ¡Aleluya!

Once upon a time

Ha! I know, I said I wasn't going to write today. It is not that I lied. It is more like I have a couple hours before I head south and I don't care to do the laundry and dishes that are sitting there watching me like a hawk. So why not just record more random thoughts and feeling that I can go back later and read and smack myself up the side of the head and tell myself I should have folded the laundry.

Tomorrow is Easter. In my dysfunctional family that pretty much means it is just another day. My brother already noted he most likely would not be at church. Kind of sucks, I like being with my family in church on the holidays. Oh well, I will be there, maybe without an Easter bonnet on, yet I will be there.

Call me old-school, yet know what I miss? I miss those huge traditional family get togethers for Easter. The ones where there is turkey and ham and all the sides and fixings. The kind where if you are a certain age you have to sit at the "kid's table" in the other room and eat off paper plates while the adults get the holiday china. You have dinner and everyone helps clean up while chatting and catching up with family you haven't seen for a while. Afterwards, there is a little "quiet time" and then something big like an Easter egg hunt (with real eggs that you dyed the night before). When I think of this, I think of my grandmother's house. I laugh as by the time I got old enough to sit at the adult table, we quit having the dinners. Heck, I haven't even colored Easter eggs for years and I loved to do that.

The bookmark I am using right now says, "Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to how they used to be." Yup. It is what it is. Therefore, I will spend "Easter eve" with my missionaries down south, laughing and being their family while they are away from home. I will have them tell me Easter stories from their lives.

I need to stop on my way down and pick them up some chocolate or something like that. Peeps...everyone loves peeps! (I used to eat them by the package!) In college, we had "death of a peep" in the lounge fridge. There is was....a dead peep covered in blood (ketchup) and a murder note. I can't remember if we ever found out who the "killer" was, yet it made for a fun adventure for a few weeks! Some days I do miss living in the dorms. Respect the Peep.

Not sure what I will do tomorrow. I think the kids are doing an egg hunt in the evening at the in-laws. I will probably go and watch the boys do that and take pictures. I miss the other boys and it will be nice to spend some time with them. I might run out and see my godmother for a bit. If it is as nice as it is today, I may just go for a bike ride or a long walk (I need to try and get a 4-5 mile walk in before next Saturday to test my endurance). As for an Easter dinner? Considering my food issues right now, I am thinking it is a good thing I won't be in front of any traditional meals. Besides, I threw some turkey cutlets in the crock pot last night with some cream of mushroom soup and quinoa, which allows me to get tryptophan drunk all by myself :) Heck, I may even throw caution to the wind and eat a baked potato!

Sometimes you just have to go out and kick a few rocks around driveway and shrug your shoulders. Yet, for the moment, it is time to head south and play.

Friday craziness

I arrived today to open the door to my office and be hit with a wretched smell. Choose a word - putrid, nasty, foul, reeking, something may have died, someone might have barfed, or any other word that associates to "a really, really bad odor". Yes, my office smelled like the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth!

As wicked as it was, there was a little vindication on my part. The smell had started on Wednesday afternoon and no one really wanted to believe me. Yesterday it was still there, yet not too bad. Luckily I had enough appointments yesterday that I was only in my office for a couple hours. Today, though, it was so bad that the facilities person in the building exiled me from my office and had to call environmental services. I had to chuckle when they arrived, all huge and burly type guys because when they stepped in my office, one of them about tossed his cookies. They were checking in the ceiling tiles, on the floor smelling the carpeting, and still could not find it.

Finally, it was located, and blessed be our janitor who cleaned it all up, disinfected everything and even found some room deodorizer. Of course my throat is raw from inhaling the mixture of chemicals that were used in there today, and yet I was able to work. I was asking for a while, "do I get to go home under the Act of God rule?"

I about got to leave anyways as I came close to hitting a co-worker today. There is a guy down the hall who likes to walk up behind you and do things to you without you knowing he is there. He did this to a few weeks back down in a coworkers office and it threw me into a bad anxiety attack. I think I noted this in a past post. She had asked me then (she is his supervisor) if I wanted her to say anything to him and I told her no, I would be fine and it was said and done.

Today, he came up behind me (while I was in the same office) and started messing with my ear. I was standing this time and only about 2 feet from him. I had no clue he was there and then he touched me. I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye and I drew back and about hit him. You see, I am not sure who my mind was telling me was standing there, yet it was not this guy. All my brain registered at that moment was "THREAT!". About mid swing I realized what I was doing and who it was and stopped myself. Then my mouth took over without though when I exclaimed right at him, "You mother f***er, you do that again and I will hit you. Keep your hands off me." Ok, so that just came out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying and maybe it got the point across though. The thing is, the guy knows I have PTSD and knows why. And, seeing that he spent time in the middle east in the army, he should know better.

I did apologize, and asked (nicely this time) that he please don't touch me or come up in my personal space unannounced. He just blew me off with one of those "yah, I know how you really feel about me now" comments. Apparently, he doesn't realize the power I wield around here and if he does it again, he will be out of a job. Nope, not a threat, just a statement of fact. As for my friend, she just shook her head and noted that it all happened so fast that she wasn't sure what to make of it. As I think about it, it did happen pretty quick. Bottom line, don't spook me.

Now, there were non-violent, good things today too. Baby Abigail was at work again today. She hasn't been there for a couple weeks and I was really starting to have withdraws. Since I couldn't get in my office, it gave me extra baby-girl time. They tease me at work because I am always snapping selfie's with Abigail.

In the world of actual serious stuff, I have done OK (I think) with the food today. It has been hard as I keep fighting the thoughts and urges to not eat at all. When I am eating it has been like a broken record playing over and over "this is too much" when in actuality it probably is not enough. I had to swing by the store tonight and it was hard. There were things I would start to reach for so I could check out the food label. I guess the positive was that I stopped myself before I did it.

Now I just have to remember to not associate negative thoughts and feelings with that. I don't think grocery stores are going to be my friend for a while. Not that they ever totally were, and yet tonight I realized I have kind of back-peddled a bit with my ability to not get so anxious around food. I have to decide what I am going to do about it - am I going to start avoiding going for a while or keep working on that becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. I am sure I will figure it out. Although I don't truly feel ok, I keep telling myself that I am.

I am starting to think that I am going to back away from sharing so much about the eating issues with others unless they fall in that close circle of mine. I have to remember that not everyone is going to really understand and I have heard one too many "but you were doing so good" comments this week. No, I never was doing good, I just faked it really well. And those kind of comments don't help, they actually just throw some gas on the judgmental fire. Every time I have heard it this week, no matter what my reply was, my mind immediately started throwing around words like failure, loser, disappointment, and more. Sure, I could stop them pretty quick, yet their existence for even a brief moment leaves some scars.

Tomorrow is another day. It's transfer Saturday which means a trip to Charleston to see the missionaries and hang at DQ for the transfer calls. I do believe we are bowling again beforehand. It was actually the elders and not the sisters that got a hold of me this past week to see if I was still coming. Ah, my children. I do love them so.

With that, I think it is time to take a few day away from writing. I have a few things that keep swirling around in my head that I can't seem to get to slow down long enough to think through. Sometimes I think my recent randomness of posts is my brains way of playing avoidance. Maybe a few days off will let me sit down and get back to using my writing to work through things instead of a daily laundry list of things I have done. Maybe I should start a third blog for those kinds of posts.

One moment at a time. 

No more numbers

It has been a pretty full afternoon. I finally slowed down about 8 while working on a friend's computer. I knew I had "stopped long enough to breathe" as I was hit with a wave of anxiety. I react to anxiety a lot different now. Instead of letting it overwhelm me and take control, I generally think to myself, "oh, well, look at that" and take a deep breath or two. That is what I did earlier. Just took a few breaths, acknowledged the anxiety, reminded myself that I knew what it was being triggered by, told myself I would address it later, then kept working on the computer.

I was able to meet with my old nutritionist this afternoon. I am so glad I followed my desire to hunt her down as it was a great meeting. We caught up on things, talked about my getting healthy journey and surgery. When I was seeing her, I had been looking into surgery and my insurance at the time had so many hoops to jump through that it just became too much. Actually, that is why I started seeing her was because I had to be seeing a nutritionist regularly. I showed her my photo from the walk back in 2011 and she just shook her head in amazement. [I actually showed the same photo to my psychiatrist earlier in the day then had to convince her that it was really me.]

I shared my struggles with eating and nutrition and how I just wasn't seeming to get back on top of it after surgery. It felt like what the routine was that I had before was not working now, it was like I was not understating something. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I shared my worries and concerns and the habits I had realized I was doing and denying.

As we were talking, she was expressing different things that I was relating to really well. I finally asked, "So, even though it is unhealthy, it seems that my mode of thought is normal?" She responded that, yes, I was normal. Ok, so it was normal for someone with eating issues/eating disorders, and yet I found a little comfort in this idea that I wasn't crazy for how I was thinking or feeling. She was glad to hear I was in the DBT class, and seeing a therapist. She encouraged me to keep doing what I needed to in order to get healthy emotionally with this. I told her I felt like there were all these different facets to it all and it just wasn't lining up correctly. She told me that I was correct, there were many parts involved.

I expressed how I felt I needed help with the numbers, I didn't seem to understand healthy ranges for calories, nutrients, and things like that. I had printed off my food diary (food lists and nutritional information) to show her to get some feedback on my eating choices. She took a look at it and then took her pen and drew a huge X through the numbers part. She told me, no more numbers. Said to keep a list of what I eat, when I eat, and how I felt after I ate, and do not record or look at the nutritional information. She explained that people with eating issues/disorders get obsessed with the numbers and those numbers only fuel the unhealthy behaviors (ie, reaching a calorie limit then not eating the rest of the day).

She asked how often I weighed myself. I responded at least twice a day. She told me my first piece of homework was to get rid of the scales. She said to throw them out, don't put them in another room because it is too tempting. Destroy them and get rid of them. Again, break the number habit. I told her I could do that and that I would send her proof that I destroyed them. She added that if I was somewhere I had to get weighed, like a medical appointment, stand backwards on the scale and ask them not to tell me what it said.

She also told me to quit reading food labels. I chuckled and then admitted how I did that too. I made note of my shopping experience the other night and how I did that most of the way through the store and by the time I got to produce I was done with the experience.

We talked about the social impact of things. I shared how I had quit going out to luncheons and avoiding most things where food was involved. She said I had to stop that, adding that was classic behavior and I would only end up isolating myself and making myself feel guilty even more. She told me to go out, be in social environments where there is food, don't worry about what others might think, and trust myself. I kept thinking - opposite action!

She gave me five goals to work on. She noted that even though they sounded simple, they would not be easy and yet she knew I would be able to handle them. She encouraged me to pick one to really focus on, work on it and get a little mastery, then start adding the others. The goals were:

• Keeping a food diary of only what I ate, when I ate, and how I felt afterwards - no numbers.
• Work to develop consistent eating times - try to eat around the same time each day
• Eat a carbohydrate, protein, and fat at every meal and snack
• Don't buy "trigger" foods
• Stop reading food labels

She offered to let me email her to review my food log each week for me and give me feedback on things. Also said she would be more than willing to meet with me anytime again. She said as long as I was willing to work to get better she would help any way she could. She laughed and noted that she knew I was serious if I went through all the trouble I did to find her.

She told me that she was talking to a friend about how I had contacted her and asked for her help. The friend asked if she was going to meet with me and she said that she told her yes. Added that apparently she had made some impression on me in the past that I remembered her and hunted her down. Then she smiled and said, "One. At least I know out of the hundreds of people I saw, I made an impression with one." I just replied, "Yes, you really did."

So earlier tonight, it kind of hit me. When I wake up tomorrow, it is a new day and a new pattern of eating. It is changing thought patterns away from the numbers (how many calories is this, how many carbs is that...) and toward asking myself if what I am eating is a healthy choice and a healthy portion. It is like having my security blanket taken away (even though it was an unhealthy blanket).

I would be lying if I said I was not a little scared and apprehensive. Even with that, I know I will do just fine. It will be a change just like everything else has been - one moment at a time. She reminded me several times not to beat myself up over the fact that I was where I was with my eating or that I was asking for help.

Deep breath in, hold it, let it out slowly. New day, new habits. No more numbers.

Blewyhawk 3.0

Since class started, I have been told/reminded to enjoy the good days as much as I can so when the not so good days come along, they don't seem as bad. Give myself good memories to draw on when times get down. Today would be one of those days. I have been smiling all day - a lot. I am still smiling. I might still be smiling in my sleep.

One of the greatest things that happened to me when I moved to Charleston back in '98 was starting to find myself. Being back in the community that was "mine" I had the chance to be who I wanted to be. A chance to test the waters in a way, to think about the person I may have been and see if that fit. It was a growing time in many aspects and I eventually grew into a comfortable place with many of the pieces of my self. There were no expectations as to who I should be and I took solace in that. Oh yes, there were plenty of unaddressed demons, and that was just part of it.

When I decided to move back in 2006, I knew I would be giving up a major part of that person I had become. I was moving back home and that meant walking back into a predefined role, fitting back into a mold that I had been so successful of breaking free of. I did not understand that I did not actually have to do that, I could have come back and brought my whole self with me. It had been a great run, and it was over. It was just part of coming back and I knew I wanted to come back to be with family. I have missed that person. She may not have been all she could have been, and yet she was pretty amazing.

I sometimes get asked what the big deal is with Charleston. Why do I like to go down there so much - of all the places I could go, why go there? It is simple, as soon as I hit the road headed south, I know I am going to get to spend some time with that long lost person. When I hit the city limits, I am that person again. When I leave, my heart always breaks a little as I put that person back up on the shelf to await my next visit south.

Some "situational changes" back in October opened the door for me to start being a little more of that person I am down south. Unfortunately, that goal kept getting lost in the mix of emotional turmoil I was trying to work through. It would have to figure things out on its own for a while as I did not have the energy - physically or emotionally - to actively devote time to it. It was gaining strength in its own way as I was healing in other areas. It was not so much I was becoming more of that person again as the idea that I was becoming less of the one I had chosen to be when I came back.

When I got my hair done back in December, I got asked a lot why I did it. I remember the first time I answered, "because sometimes you just have to be yourself." There was an ownership and empowerment in that simple answer that confirmed to me that I did not have to fit a mold, I could be anyone I wanted to be. Each time I looked in a mirror and chuckled at what I had done, I would just think to myself - sometimes I just got to be me.  It was fun. It was fun stepping out of a comfort zone and doing something a little crazy. I called it my "conservative compromise" and I was good with that.

When I got my hair cut again after that, I threw a little more caution to the wind. I didn't go with color, and yet I stepped out of the box a little more and shorter and more defined. As I was refining my personal self, it seemed that it was showing through in my hair style too. I was having a ball with it and I didn't care if anyone did not like it (although I never heard a negative comment).

Today was hair day again and Blewyhawk 3.0 made an appearance! Yup, the crazy blue and yellow fauxhawk cut and color makes me totally smile. Everything with it has a significance. So, as I sported my new 'do, wearing my Blue Angels, and kicking around in my boots, I smiled a little big bigger. Why is that you may ask? Simple, because instead of "sometimes you have to be yourself," I am ever so close to "I am myself."

Avoidance

I am reading a book right now about controlling emotional eating using DBT skills. I chuckle as when I showed the book to my instructors, they both commented on how there was a whole section on willfulness/willingness. Hey, this is progress - it would seem that I have moved a little away from being known as the one with anger issues! (Ok, not sure if I was "known as" that, yet I sure could have held 1st place for it there for a while)

I lucked out that they were just flipping through the book as right after the pages on willfulness/willingness, are several pages on avoidance. I have been pretty darn good at that one too. I would like to think that I have some actual healthy habits and behaviors at the top of the list as well. It is a good feeling though that when I run across different things (like avoidance, etc) I recognize them and say "oh, yes, I have done that one" and then being able to say "and now I have the choice to not do that anymore."

The book talks about how people use avoidance to deal with emotional pain. It makes the statement that most people would rather deal with physical pain than emotional pain. I will agree with that. Many times in my life I have made reference to this - how I would trade emotional pain for physical pain in a second. I have the behavior pattern of even doing that with my self-harm - avoid the emotion by creating a physical pain to replace it. Again, something I can sit back and smile and be able to say I don't do anymore.

The irony mentioned is that as we try to hide (avoid) emotions, we actually feel more. It uses an example of trying to avoid feeling anxious. As you are trying so hard to not appear anxious physically, your anxiety is actually going up because you are getting more anxious trying not to be anxious. At first when I read that I was like, "yah, that can't be right" then I started thinking about different times when I have put up my front, and in the extended effort it took to keep fooling everyone, I was only exhausting myself even more. As fearful as it may have been, it would have used less energy to just say I was not doing well.

It becomes an unhealthy cycle. The book uses this example (although any behavior can easily fit): You are feeling sad. Instead of just feeling sad, you try to stop feeling it. As hunger comes, you are less aware of your food choices because your focus is on trying not to feel sad. You may make unhealthy food choices which afterwards you feel guilty for, then you try to stop feeling the guilt. The cycle of avoiding only makes the emotions even stronger that you are trying not to feel. From experience I can say it is not a fun cycle to get caught up in. 

So, are we able to avoid avoiding by being willing to accept and sit with an emotion? Remember, emotions themselves cannot hurt us, it is what we choose to do with them that can either hurt or help our own selves.

I have gotten a lot better with the acceptance of emotions. It is a continuing practice. I do not think you ever get to a point where you don't catch yourself wanting to avoid feeling from time to time. Again, it is how you choose to act on that temptation. Sure, I may still avoid an emotion, yet I know I am doing it - I know I have make a conscious choice to do it.

I sometimes go back and read my old posts to pick out different things that I have gotten stronger with. No, I don't do it to berate myself, I do it partly as an exercise to pick things out (there's a myth, there's avoidance, there's judgement) then I think of how I might react to that now. Ok, so there are times where I want to slip into the "ugh, I could have thought/felt/reacted another way" and then I have to remember, I either did not have the knowledge, tools, or understanding to behave differently at that time. Yes, it would be different now because I am different now.

I still fight with avoidance. When it has been a go-to behavior for so long it likes to still try and jump up to the front of the line. I have to ask myself - am I trying to avoid here? I have realized that even though I am doing better with avoidance and emotions, I still try to avoid. For example, I am having some issues from my procedure I had three weeks ago. I keep telling myself, "oh this is probably just normal, I will give it a few days" and when a few days has passed I tell myself, "well, maybe a few days more it will stop." The reality is, I am doing some heavy duty avoiding.

So I have to start down the checklist - am I avoiding? [yes] Why am I avoiding? [don't want to sound like a worrier/complainer] Is avoiding helping me or hurting me? [hurting me as I am no doctor and cannot conclude that what is going on is normal or not] So why am I choosing to avoid? [my gynophobia (and some good willfulness)] So, what positive could come from avoiding? [None, other than a good lesson in why I shouldn't avoid]

What's the best case scenario if I go get checked? It is just an extended post-surgical issue and it is nothing to worry about and it resolves quickly.

What's the worse case scenario if I go get checked? It is not normal and I end up having to get the hysterectomy and I lose out on my races this year.

And if I keep avoiding? Could get worse, I could get sick, and going to miss out on races anyway.

You can all be happy to know that I actually called the doc's office earlier this afternoon. Instead of getting, "oh, that is normal" I got "we should get you in to get you checked" and so I am scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon as doc is booked until then. Of course, if it gets worse, I should go to the ER (which would be a whole other lesson in trying not to avoid).

And therefore, another homework assignment is completed. Time to relax!

A few of...

We were Sound of Music nuts when I was growing up. Anytime it was on TV, we watched it. It was one of the few guaranteed family events. I quickly learned the lyrics to the songs and can still sing them today. There was always singing in our house, so the fact that I can almost recite "my favorite things" backwards is no surprise. To be a kid again and see the world so innocently.

I almost chose not to write today then I realized I had to. For one thing, I am kind of on a roll for daily posts and I do enjoy writing. Even more so, I enjoy being able to create posts that are just about random, happy things. It is nice to not always be in some emotional dilemma. Oh, worry not, I am sure that will roll back around. For today, though, it is about a few of my favorite things.

Glass pitchers. When we were kids, we had this glass pitcher that was always full of orange kool-aid. I rarely remember it empty or with anything else in it. Once in a while we might get another flavor, yet most of the time it was orange. It was always known as the kool-aid pitcher. Something about a glass pitcher, it just seemed right. Sure, we had plastic pitchers, yet getting a glass of kool-aid from the glass pitcher could cure any bump, bruise, scrape, or tear. It was like happiness in a cup...well, of course we had the metal cups!!

When I moved back to Charleston in '98, the best housewarming present I got was the infamous glass pitcher. Granted, it rarely got orange kool-aid mixed in it simply because I drank so much of it as a kid that I could not really stand it. So it lived on with grape and cherry! A couple years later it happened, it cracked and broke. A 20+ year reign had ended and glass pitchers were not easy to come by. I was devastated.

About four years ago my mom was working at this antique shop and in came a glass pitcher with an American Eagle etched on it. She did not even put it out to sell, she used her discount, bought it, and surprised me with a new glass pitcher. I have long since moved away from kool-aid, yet my pitcher is almost always full of Argentine yerba mate! Yes, my etched glass pitcher makes me smile.

Brown leather boots. Ok, so I am not happy with the dreary, crappy weather we have had this winter and at the same time I am glad to get a lot of mileage out of my boots. It's all about the "light brown leather" ones. I am not sure I could explain it other than they make me feel more empowered or something. Plus they go with jeans so much better. I haven't found a pair that fit for several years and luck came my way this year. Like my brown boots in the past, I will wear them until they fall apart.

I know, it is crazy sounding, thus remember who you are dealing with here. I have some irrational connection in my brain between my favorite boots and being able to cope. Life will be ok because I am wearing my boots. I have even been known to sleep in my boots. Sometimes you just have to do what you just have to do to get by. If my boots make me happy, then let me be happy.

Walking on the cuff of your pants. I love pants that are too short to roll and too long to not drag. They get caught under the heel of your shoe (or boot) and the back of them eventually get worn. It is all about making your jeans comfy I guess. My grandmother would have a fit. My mom would just grab some pinking shears and "hem" them. I kind of like walking on them. Then again, I am weird like that. I have also found that sometimes, it annoys the crap out of people and since I do find joy at times in annoying people, I continue to do it. Quirks. Yes, I have them. I delight in them. They make me unique.

This guy. It is not often that the missionaries send me pictures in their emails, so what a great surprise from Elder Erickson. His birthday was this past week and Jordan and I had sent him a box of goodies that he was showing off that he received. I would always give him grief about his ties, often saying something like "did you steal that from your grandfather?" He said he wore one the other day and his companion said that his grandmother had a couch that was made from the same material. His bad ties have become his signature so Jordan and I stopped at Goodwill to find him more for his collection. I let him know I would not be offended if I never saw them on him or if they got re-gifted. I laughed as he is sporting the pink paisley one (which I guessed he would wear first) in the photo. He noted that he and his companion will be sporting their "lick and stick" moustaches at district meeting this week. I had two birthdays while on my mission. Yes, you appreciate the serious gifts, yet you relish the crazy fun ones. All the missionaries bring a smile to my face, especially this one.

Reflecting

Hello world, how are you today? I will have to admit, when I have two good days in a row, I start getting skeptical. When I hit three I start worrying. You wonder what corner karma is hanging out at just waiting for you (I've probably just jinxed myself). I have a had a good couple weeks. Scary, eh? Sure, there have been some bumps along the way and still it has been well with me. Again, totally surprising myself.

What makes it good? I desire to do more than sleep and exist. I have not found myself at the bottom of the emotional bucket. I have been able to accept and let go of some things without leaving behind a placeholder of guilt or shame. I have looked back to past conversations and lessons that made me want to turn and run (and I pretty much did) and say to myself, "Oh, I understand now."

I have been able to look at existing to-do lists as a challenge and not as an overwhelming burden. I have even been able to take the list and add, edit, and delete things from it. I have done things for me simply because I wanted to. I have said no to others. I have stood on my porch, closed my eyes, and felt the warmth of the sun or listened to the breeze through the trees.

I have given thanks for simply being alive and for not giving up in moments of deep sorrow and despair. I commend myself for being willing to wait one more day, stand up one more time, and simply try again. I rejoice that I am not alone in my journey and humbly accept that I never was.

I do not claim success as my own personal doing as I know there have been many helping hands through the years and lots of guardian angels pulling overtime. I appreciate those still working along side of me in this life and behind the veil and I do hope that my getting stronger does not equate to them going away any time too soon.

I am learning to love myself again. I say again because I understand now that I was not born disliking and hating myself. I just forgot somewhere along the way. I accept that I am unique and I have quirks. I ask a lot of questions and sometimes the same question over and over. I think about things a lot, sometimes more than is necessary, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I still fear people I have come to care about will walk away and I understand that, even though it is a valid fear, it is also a part of life. I cannot control the decisions of other people. I also understand that, even if it hurts, I will still be ok. My worth is not defined by the actions of others.

I know I am destined for heaven as I have lived in hell and survived it. I no longer dwell on how I got there or why I stayed so long, yet I do know that just as the refiner's fire, I am stronger because of it. I also have no plans to end up there again unless it is to go rescue another.

I make a difference in the world. I make a difference in people's lives. I make a difference. I also seem to leave a lasting impression. It would seem that I am not easily forgotten and I am good with that - no matter the reason for being remembered. Everybody needs a little Blewy in their life.

I am strong. I may often forget this, and yet it is true. I am often commended for how well I have survived, coped, or persevered. It is because I am strong, stronger than I may ever understand.

I have come a long way and still have a long way to go. I may not be sure just where it is that I am headed for and I know where I don't want to end up. I am realistic that there may still be moments that I move backwards instead of forward and I will deal with them as they come along with as much self-compassion as I can. If I would not berate another, I should not berate myself.

I am glad I am here.

Desk job

I like it when a win comes before noon - or before 10:30 am. It is even better when it comes with personal satisfaction. When I moved into my house back in 2006 I inherited a nice, hefty desk. It had been a great aunt's desk that sat in the same spot in her house all the many years she had it.

From 2006 - 2010, it moved back and forth between my living room and bedroom multiple times. The last time it had made the move into the living room, it pretty much had reached it mobility point and once it was set in place was needed a few extra screws and bolts to keep it together. When the time came to move it one last time I really didn't know if it would make the 12-15 feet back to the bedroom. So, in 2010 it took its final spot in the house. I just hoped it would not fall apart while I sat at it. I did know that it was not going to be moved again.

Why am I talking about an old desk? It is a good example of how my life has been and how it can be some days. When you are asked how you are doing, there are times that it is hard to answer because you don't know how to explain it. Sure, most times you don't want to honestly tell people how you are (especially if you are struggling), yet there are times there are not words to really explain the follow up questions that could come.

For the past three years, that desk has sat there unused. It collects junk on top of it and I would need my yard stick to measure the thickness of dust on it. It is possible that small woodland creatures may have been living in it. Sure seems simple, eh? Clean it out, toss it out the door. No, not as easy as it sounds. Cleaning it out meant figuring out what to do with the stuff in it - where would I put it - was I ready to dig through it - did I even want to know what all was in there. Let's not forget that I had come up with a plan to get it out of there too. There is a second door in the bedroom (someone was on crack when they built this place) yet it had not even been opened for many years and had stuff piled in front of it. Not only would I have to deal with the desk, I would have to deal with accessing the door. Simply thinking about it all was so overwhelming that the whole idea just became one large symbol of my inability to function.

Last year I got three drawers cleaned out. That left three others that would sit there for another year. It was a little step. I am still not sure if that little bit was positive or negative. Sure, it was great that I was able to get a start on it and all of that, yet then I got to add to the thoughts - look, you could not even finish cleaning out the drawers. Every day I looked at that desk and the door, I was reminded how I was unable to do simple things without feeling defeated before I even started.

As I have been on this "taking on the world and winning" streak, I woke up today and decided that desk was out of here. I was going to do it, I knew what I had to do, and that was that. I cleared the stuff in front of the door, finished cleaning out the desk, got it outside, and threw the sucker off the porch. Yes, I could have nicely wheeled it to the corner, and yet I paused, took it off the two-wheel dolly and chucked the thing. Then I stood in the bedroom and chucked the remaining drawers out there too. Can I even express how good that felt?

As I ripped the thing apart so my garbage man would pick it up and hauled the pieces to the corner, I just kept telling myself I was not going to define myself by that stupid desk anymore. I actually found joy in it (except for the splinter I got - that kind of hurt). I am convinced that at times, there is a strong correlation between physically destroying something and emotional healing.

I'm not done, I'm just taking a little break. The desk is not the only thing that has gone out the door today, nor will it be the last. I posted on FB today that I was "literally cleaning house" and if you came by you might want to watch out before approaching any open doors. As well, you might want to wear a hard hat.

It is a day of cleaning and healing. Sounds good to me. I won't get everything done and yet I will make a heck of a dent in things. I will be happy with what I achieve and not focus on what is still left. Today is my day - - I AM OF WORTH!

Now, if I can just find someone to sucker into helping me move the piano later (no, it's not getting chucked out the door, just moved to where the desk was!!)

UPDATE: Several hours later, just reporting it remained a good day. See, it is all about attitude! Desk, filing cabinet, 1/2 the carpeting and insulation torn up and thrown out, floor-wall gap sealed, and piano moved (so much easier to move that thing on a solid floor).

Not sure I will get everything off the bed in time to call it a night, which is fine, the couch is not too uncomfortable and tomorrow is another day.

And a good day with eating including grilling out for dinner. Yes, it has been a good day. I do believe it is time for a hot bath, kicking back, and reading my book.

TGIF

Yeah! It's Friday! What an tiring week this has been. I got home around 5:30 tonight and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open. Since I have this happening social life, I figured I would take a little nap then get up and start on the computer stuff that is on my weekend to-do list. I can afford an hour or two, right? So, the phone rings at 9:45 pm and wakes me up. Oops. All you can think in times like this is that I really must have needed it. I don't think I am going to argue with that one.

Although physically it has not been too bad of a week (matter of fact it probably could have been a little more ambitious in that area), emotionally it has been draining. I do sometimes think that the exhaustion that can come from emotional/mental situations can be far more powerful. I am sure there was a physical component in there a bit as I have been going non-stop and my body really wasn't back at 100% at the beginning of the week. You know, I am just happy some days that I just have the ambition and drive again to push myself. That was gone for so long. So yes, am tired, and it is a good thing.

It has been a good week. Seems like I have had plenty of opportunities to give up or return to old emotional habits. I have been surprised each time that I realized that I was reacting differently to something. It shouldn't surprise me, this is what I have been working toward for a while now. I guess I didn't think I would get to this point. I find that a common reaction - the concept that I didn't think I would get "here" with something. It isn't that I think that I won't make it, I just don't focus on actually pulling it off. Seeing that I almost always get to the finish, I don't know why it continues to catch me off guard so much. I am sure it has something to do with that mindset "plan for the worst, hope for the best, take what you get." Maybe I should add having a little more faith in myself to my list of things to work on.

Talked with JB tonight about what I am dealing with in regards to the eating issues. He is at an age to understand a lot of it. We have a good relationship and I don't see any reason to not be honest with him. A part of me figures that, especially since he seems to have a lot of my emotional traits, maybe it can keep him from walking down some similar paths. We talked about eating issues and disorders and what they were and why some people struggle with them. I did not go into details of what I struggling with, and yet shared enough that he could get an understanding of it. I shared how I have had to learn to ask for help and accept help and that had been really hard for me. I even asked him how he felt about asking/accepting help - was it hard for him, how has he done with it, etc.

That was something that he has had to develop this year. He would have questions on school things and as hesitant to ask the teachers. He has done great. Matter of fact, when there is something now, I will tell him that he needs to go to his teacher first and talk to them and then if he still has questions, I will help him out to get them answered. He has done great. He still is kind of shy about doing it, and yet he will give it a shot - more often if I am the one to suggest that he does it.

It was a good conversation. We have a lot of these types of chats. I even explained that it was important that I work through this so I can be healthy and stay alive. He liked that idea of me being around for a long time. At the end I asked him how he thought he might be able to help me out. I wasn't looking for any specific answer other than to see what he might come up with. It was agreed that he would ask me from time to time if I was being good and taking care of myself.

Then he grabbed my yard stick out of the back of the car and said, "hey take a picture of me!" Yup, that's my JB and one of those main reasons I keep fighting the fight (or learning to manage it!)

Still a good day

Hey look - I practiced self-compassion tonight! I bought myself flowers. Are we impressed?? What prompted such an event? I went grocery shopping. Yup that was an experience. I tried to do it non-judgmentally, I really did. I did well with that for the most part. It is difficult. You walk up and down the isles and it is "can't have that" or "can't tolerate that" or "too many carbs" or "not enough protein" and more. It's a wonderful experience.

So, by the time I got around to the fruits and vegetables, I was done. I really contemplated the watermelon yet it was not looking too ripe. Even as much as I love watermelon, it has to be ripe. I thought to myself that I could continue working through the produce and getting upset with myself or I could just be done. So, instead of buying a candy bar and telling myself I am a big loser anyway, I bought myself flowers. They didn't have any yellow roses so I went for the neon bouquet! And yes, that is a travel mug - I do not own a flower vase.

I have done well these past few days. I have ate at least three "good" meals. I say that as I am not sure if what I define as good is really good. I know it isn't bad, I mean it is meat and vegetables and I have even been drinking my milk. I'm starting to make a list of questions I have - what really should I be eating, how much, is what I am currently eating good/bad/ok. I have realized there are multiple facets of all this. It is not just educational knowledge about nutrition, it is behaviors as well as emotional issues. I have to keep telling myself it is ok to accept the help in all those areas. It is so easy to just ask for help with one and let the other two go back into "I will figure it out somehow." Seeing that this approach has not worked so far....or not worked as effective as it could, it's time for plan B. Seeing that I am kind of writing that as I go along, details are still fuzzy as to what that really means.

I went to lunch with a friend today. Although I kept it in check, there was a fair amount of anxiety there. You look at the menu and see the things you used to get and know you can't anymore (which really is not that bad of an issue), then you start thinking that you are not going to be able to choose something that isn't bad. It's head games. They have chicken noodle soup for the day - love that, then my brain kicks in - soup >>> lots of sodium >>> fluid retention >>> no, you can't have soup. (for the record, I got the soup). Ooo, turkey club....deli meats, and lots of bread - nope, that is off the choice. All kinds of sandwiches....and my brain kicks in: sandwich = bread. Bread = lots of carbs. Carbs = bad.

Now, they had fish that you could get grilled yet it was a full meal - salad, soup, sides. Um, I can't eat that much. No, I don't want leftover fish in my car all afternoon while I work. As well, I don't find it pleasurable to have a bunch of food in front of me and I have to make a choice from it. Eat all the fish because that is protein - then have 1 bite of roll, 3 bites of salad, and hope whatever your vegetable would be is small enough to fill in the gaps. And you smile and act like it isn't bothering you in the least. In the end, I got the cup of soup then a grilled chicken and asked for no bun (see, practicing my "ask" skills!).

I keep finding myself tossing my arms in the air going, "well, there it is" and having no clue what to really do with it. I'm working on it though. I am willing to accept help, yet I am not willing to sit around and let others find it all for me. I'm lining up my team on my side too. If it takes 5 people, great and if it takes 50, I don't care. I'm going to get through this - all aspects of it. I am going to learn about it, I am going to understand it, and I am going to figure out how to manage it in a healthy way that will last a lifetime. It is kind of a huge group project at this point and I think everyone involved will learn something that helps them before it is said and done.