Help by choice

We start a new section tonight in class - Interpersonal effectiveness. Yes folks, this is the whole section where I learn to ASK FOR HELP! Is it too late to drop out of class?

Although I feel that I have come a long way when it comes to asking for help, assistance, direction, or whatever synonym we would like to use, I still have a way to go. I thought it might be interesting to just talk about how I ask for help (or don't) now, and then at the end of the section or class, come back around and revisit this and see if I have chosen to change my methods at all. A little case study you might say.

Now, let me note something here. This is not asking for directions at the gas station. I really have no problems asking generalized questions to random people. I can start up conversations with complete strangers, not too much of an issue. It is when the question has some relation to me. If my personal well being is the focus of the need, question, etc. then it becomes a whole new ballgame.

I take a risk in writing this. These are my tricks and trades. These are the things that I hope no one really realizes that I do and if they do, I appreciate that they don't call me out on it. Yet, it's about getting healthy and sometimes that means putting it *all* out there. Why stop now.

It has been very hard to get past the many years of "you don't ask for help" and "you don't bother others with your problems" or "unless you are dying, don't be a burden." Matter of fact, those thoughts continue to hang out in the back of my mind. No matter how much one may say they are not being bothered, annoyed, or put out (or that they will tell me if they are), my mind wants to counteract with the thought that they probably really do feel one of those and they are just being nice as not to hurt my feelings. I often wonder if that will ever go away. It also fuels a lot of wasted energy to ask without asking.

Most times, if I need help, I "compromise" which goes something like this: I have a question, issue, problem, (whatever), and I need help. I don't want to ask someone directly because they will most likely say they will help. The problem is, that if the situation becomes burdensome, etc., and they continue to stay helping, then I feel bad for even bringing it up in first place. You have become "one of those people" whose appearance or contact is preceded with a deep sigh or a "crap, they found me" thought.

Therefore, sometimes I put the need out there in a neutral location, kind of like setting it out on a table. If someone walks by and sees the need sitting there and they choose to pick it up and help, then they have made the choice to help. If the issue becomes burdensome, yes, I will still feel bad, yet they chose to get involved, I didn't ask them to.

Maybe think of it this way. Instead of going door to door soliciting donations for something, I just leave the can on the counter at the gas station with contact information if you want to get more involved. If the can gets filled, it gets filled. If they call, they call. If it doesn't it doesn't. No one was burdened. If my help gets picked up off the table, awesome. If it doesn't, no one is put out. Sure, I most likely still need help, yet I will figure it out somehow.

And then there is when you know you are just going to have to ask for help. You have exhausted all other options, you are going to have to ask. What do you do then? Giving in and asking someone in your circle of friends is ok, yet what about people outside that circle. This is where you start with testing the water, because we couldn't just come right out and ask for what we really need, now could we? I may ask several questions about several things over a period of time before I finally get up the courage to ask what I really need/want to ask.

Here is the irrational rationale: The main thing I want to ask is something important to me. If I am taking a risk to step out of my comfort zone and to ask it, then the last thing I am wanting is rejected right off the top. Even if I trust you, I'm still going to be hesitant to throw something out there. Therefore, what are some smaller questions that I can put out there to see how one will react. If you get shot down on those, then you really are not out anything, yet you know not to proceed to the big question. I know, this really puts people in a guilty before proven innocent role, yet sometimes we learn survival skills to do just that - survive.

Think of a dog that has been abused and you are trying to befriend him by offering him a cookie. The first time you interact, he may stay far away, sniffing the air, seeing you have something good, yet that's it. Then next time, he may wander a little closer, tail between his legs and head down, testing to see how you are going to react - are you going to take the cookie away or yell?  Then next time, he comes up to you, yet still stays arm distance away. He doesn't look up at you, yet gently reaches out to take the cookie from your extended arm then bolts away before eating it. So, each time, he gets a little closer, stays a little longer, seems a little more relaxed. Eventually, he comes up, sits next to you, tail wagging, eyes up, and eats the cookie there.

And the process of asking someone for help just kind of repeats itself. Each time my mind goes through all the tricks and processes to try and establish one simple question, is it safe for me to ask this question?

And, if it is not, is the risked outcome worth it?