Avoidance

I am reading a book right now about controlling emotional eating using DBT skills. I chuckle as when I showed the book to my instructors, they both commented on how there was a whole section on willfulness/willingness. Hey, this is progress - it would seem that I have moved a little away from being known as the one with anger issues! (Ok, not sure if I was "known as" that, yet I sure could have held 1st place for it there for a while)

I lucked out that they were just flipping through the book as right after the pages on willfulness/willingness, are several pages on avoidance. I have been pretty darn good at that one too. I would like to think that I have some actual healthy habits and behaviors at the top of the list as well. It is a good feeling though that when I run across different things (like avoidance, etc) I recognize them and say "oh, yes, I have done that one" and then being able to say "and now I have the choice to not do that anymore."

The book talks about how people use avoidance to deal with emotional pain. It makes the statement that most people would rather deal with physical pain than emotional pain. I will agree with that. Many times in my life I have made reference to this - how I would trade emotional pain for physical pain in a second. I have the behavior pattern of even doing that with my self-harm - avoid the emotion by creating a physical pain to replace it. Again, something I can sit back and smile and be able to say I don't do anymore.

The irony mentioned is that as we try to hide (avoid) emotions, we actually feel more. It uses an example of trying to avoid feeling anxious. As you are trying so hard to not appear anxious physically, your anxiety is actually going up because you are getting more anxious trying not to be anxious. At first when I read that I was like, "yah, that can't be right" then I started thinking about different times when I have put up my front, and in the extended effort it took to keep fooling everyone, I was only exhausting myself even more. As fearful as it may have been, it would have used less energy to just say I was not doing well.

It becomes an unhealthy cycle. The book uses this example (although any behavior can easily fit): You are feeling sad. Instead of just feeling sad, you try to stop feeling it. As hunger comes, you are less aware of your food choices because your focus is on trying not to feel sad. You may make unhealthy food choices which afterwards you feel guilty for, then you try to stop feeling the guilt. The cycle of avoiding only makes the emotions even stronger that you are trying not to feel. From experience I can say it is not a fun cycle to get caught up in. 

So, are we able to avoid avoiding by being willing to accept and sit with an emotion? Remember, emotions themselves cannot hurt us, it is what we choose to do with them that can either hurt or help our own selves.

I have gotten a lot better with the acceptance of emotions. It is a continuing practice. I do not think you ever get to a point where you don't catch yourself wanting to avoid feeling from time to time. Again, it is how you choose to act on that temptation. Sure, I may still avoid an emotion, yet I know I am doing it - I know I have make a conscious choice to do it.

I sometimes go back and read my old posts to pick out different things that I have gotten stronger with. No, I don't do it to berate myself, I do it partly as an exercise to pick things out (there's a myth, there's avoidance, there's judgement) then I think of how I might react to that now. Ok, so there are times where I want to slip into the "ugh, I could have thought/felt/reacted another way" and then I have to remember, I either did not have the knowledge, tools, or understanding to behave differently at that time. Yes, it would be different now because I am different now.

I still fight with avoidance. When it has been a go-to behavior for so long it likes to still try and jump up to the front of the line. I have to ask myself - am I trying to avoid here? I have realized that even though I am doing better with avoidance and emotions, I still try to avoid. For example, I am having some issues from my procedure I had three weeks ago. I keep telling myself, "oh this is probably just normal, I will give it a few days" and when a few days has passed I tell myself, "well, maybe a few days more it will stop." The reality is, I am doing some heavy duty avoiding.

So I have to start down the checklist - am I avoiding? [yes] Why am I avoiding? [don't want to sound like a worrier/complainer] Is avoiding helping me or hurting me? [hurting me as I am no doctor and cannot conclude that what is going on is normal or not] So why am I choosing to avoid? [my gynophobia (and some good willfulness)] So, what positive could come from avoiding? [None, other than a good lesson in why I shouldn't avoid]

What's the best case scenario if I go get checked? It is just an extended post-surgical issue and it is nothing to worry about and it resolves quickly.

What's the worse case scenario if I go get checked? It is not normal and I end up having to get the hysterectomy and I lose out on my races this year.

And if I keep avoiding? Could get worse, I could get sick, and going to miss out on races anyway.

You can all be happy to know that I actually called the doc's office earlier this afternoon. Instead of getting, "oh, that is normal" I got "we should get you in to get you checked" and so I am scheduled for next Tuesday afternoon as doc is booked until then. Of course, if it gets worse, I should go to the ER (which would be a whole other lesson in trying not to avoid).

And therefore, another homework assignment is completed. Time to relax!