Balance is a tricky thing. Seems like in all things there is that element of balance and when it is out of whack, you are very aware of it.
In July 2012, I wrote a post on my FB group page that had this line in it: If one is to be truly healthy, it must be a balance of mind, body, and spirit.
In July 2013, I had an event happen that made me look at that phrase and re-evaluate my commitment to it. Being faced with the lid of Pandora's Box wide open before me, I could have chosen to slam it shut or make peace with the contents.
bal·ance - /ˈbaləns/ - noun - a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions.
I was not in the correct proportions with my mind, body, and spirit. I juggled them about as to create an illusion of steadiness and confidence. Although not the most effective way to manage the lot, it worked. It worked so well, I could even fool myself most days. But even the greatest juggler eventually drops stuff.
In July I realized to find this healthy balance, it was going to be a war. Assured I would not be alone and that it was a war that could be won, I decided to put on my armor and jump in. It is a daily battle where some days I win and some days the demons win, but I keep fighting. It is my silent war. I have too much to do and too many people to help to let on that, underneath it all, I am fighting for my very life.
bal·ance - /ˈbaləns/ - verb - counteract, equal, or neutralize the weight or importance of.
My life feels like a flowchart. I have all these roles. Different responsibilities that affect different groups of people. Ironically, a lot of my success of balancing all of these has been removing the role of "self" from the equation. And now it is there, returning from a long hiatus.
I have days. Not labeling them as distinct as "good/bad" but I have days. Allowing myself to feel emotions that I have blocked for years it a little overwhelming. It all comes at once - fear, heartache, confusion, obscurity, inadequacy, guilt, loneliness, and more. Most times it does not make sense. But this is war, and when has war ever made sense?
I was taught several years ago that all emotions are valid and experiencing them is just part of being human. From a young age we learn the reactions to them. Sometimes we don't learn real healthy ways to react. Sometimes we were not taught but tried to figure it out on our own. Sometimes the lesson we learned was not to react at all. We did the best with the knowledge we had.
Paralyzing.
I used that phrase tonight while going through an emotional inventory. It really is paralyzing. If emotions and feelings would just line up nicely and swing by one by one, reacting may not be too hard. But when they come in unorganized waves, the immediate reaction is to stand, frozen. Maybe the wave will pass by and not see me. If I don't move, I can't make a wrong reaction. I have no idea how to react, therefore, I will not react at all.
As I inventory the feelings of the moment, I inventory the facts too. I then decide from both sides, a rational plan of action. It's a skill I was introduced to recently and am learning more about. The inventorying not only makes you aware of Emotional vs Rational, but it makes you stop, slow down, breathe, step back a moment. No quick decisions. Count to 10 (or 20 or 50). Now, make a decision or plan - it's called wise mind.
So, I sharpen my sword, polish my shield, and grab my helmet. Today, it was close, but I won.
Tomorrow, a new battle.
