Patience is essential to true healing. I wonder if that is a quote somewhere. It should be. It has been a few good days. I am exhausted and it is that "good" exhaustion - the kind that comes because you spent time around positive people and laughed until your belly hurt. These are the days to treasure. These are the moments you get that glimpse of how far you have come. For a brief second you hold the light at the end of the tunnel in your hand before you blink and remember you still have a ways to go to keep it there.
Today, I am happy yet I also am realistic. Celebrations of progress are accompanied by the reminder that the "high" is only a moment in the journey. No, not a judgement, but a point of realism. The wins are energizing. To stand again with strength and power from within has been a long time coming. It will continue, there is more learning to go and more wounds to heal. I must also remember that I have many more years to live and must be thoughtful of a plan to maintain what I have recovered.
My cockiness of the moment provides a safe vantage point to look around and start identifying those situations where I need to test the waters again. In a way, life is giving me some vacation time right now to heal and get healthy, yet I will have to "go back to work" at some point. Running and hiding cannot be an option.
I'm not a huge fan of crowds. Even when I know all the people in attendance, crowds can be a catalyst for anxiety and uneasiness to take hold. I do quite well in groups where I have control of the situation - when I can choose who is in attendance as well as my role in the crowd. The reality is that I am not always going to have the option to control the environment. The plus is that I am learning skills that are going to aide me in controlling the anxiety and uneasiness that do arise.
Tonight we had a conference at church where the adults from several of the area congregations get together for two hours to listen to talks and be taught. I sat between my friend I rode over with and my guardian angel from down south. We all meet in the chapel and since there are so many people, the seating extends into the gymnasium. In other words, there are a lot of people there.
About 45 minutes into the meeting, I could feel the anxiety rising. In my mind I just repeated a few times, "breathe in, breathe out, you are ok" and it passed. A quick glance around let the rational remind the emotional that things were not "caving in" - everyone was exactly where they were when we sat down. Hey, I am impressed I made it 45 minutes before it kicked in!
About 15 minutes later, the anxiety showed back up with a vengence. Again, I told myself, "you can control this, don't let it control you" and yet I had no clue how I was going to pull that off. With my hands starting to shake I knew I had to come up with something fast. My mind was racing through ideas like someone playing 52 card pick up with a double deck. Then I thought, "do what you know, use what you have."
I have this cool leather bracelet with a metal plate on it. Ironically, it says "live in the moment." I quietly slipped it off and held it in my hands. I took my thumb and rubbed up and down the metal plate trying to pull my focus back to a central point. What did the metal feel like? How were the lights above reflecting in the metal? Could I feel the indentations from the letters into the metal? With the lettering too small to make out the shapes, could I feel the contrast of the distressed engraving against the smooth surface of the silver? I started matching the action to my breath. I rubbed up the plate when I was breathing in. I rubbed down the plate when I was breathing out. Then I thought - switch the routine. Don't match the rubbing to my breath, match my breath to the rubbing. I gradually started slowing down the rubbing motion. I focused on my breath with each action and was able to slow it down. In just a few moments I was able to take the anxiety from controlling me to me controlling it. I'll never make fun of mindfulness exercises ever again.
Soon after there was a break in the discussion and I was able to get up and walk around for about 5-10 minutes. I returned to my seat and although the anxiety was still there, I just acknowledged its presence and was able to maintain control over it for the remainder of the evening.
The situations I am going to find myself in as I go through life are not going to change because I got my emotional tail kicked this summer and fall. In the grand scheme of things, the adversary is probably going to work harder against me. I have to continually remind myself that the power is mine to control the outcome. Continuing to practice the skills I am learning will help when it the honeymoon ends and life-long maintenance begins.
I have a lot to learn still and that is ok. Until then: do what I know, use what I have, live in the moment.
