Growing up we spent a lot of time at my grandparent's house. It was like a second home. So many warm and comforting memories from those days. My grandmother did puzzles and as long as there was not a holiday dinner coming up, there was always one in progress on the dining room table. These were not the easy 100 piece puzzles, they were the 500-1000 pieces. If we were good and would "be careful" my brother and I were allowed to go in and work on the puzzle. I remember many hours sitting there placing pieces. What a joy it was to place the final piece. I often wonder if grandma just left those last few pieces just for us kids to do. Even after grandpa passed and she moved to a small apartment, there was always a puzzle in progress. I still have a love for puzzles.
When I was having my neurological problems, I was always looking for ways to stay ahead of the effects it had on me. My hands continually shook and many days my motor skills were impaired at a level where I struggled with focusing to get my brain and hands to work together. It was a scary time as the doctors could not come up with a diagnosis.
One day I went out and bought a puzzle. It wasn't a super puzzle like grandma always had but it was big enough to keep me busy for awhile. I had this idea that doing a puzzle might help with the fine motor skills. Quietly I would sit at the table looking over the pieces, identifying the shapes that needed to connect, visually scanning the pieces, and then concentrate as much as I could to get my hand to pick it up and place it where it needed to go. It was slow at first and I dropped a lot of pieces yet soon I seemed to be dropping less of them, and eventually none of them. I also realized it had become a calming exercise. On days where I was extremely anxious or after I had an attack with the tremors, sitting and concentrating on the puzzle seemed to have helped. I did a lot of puzzles in that year.
I've had a couple puzzles sitting on the shelf here for a while. One a nice scenic image and the other gumballs. Yes, a 350 piece panoramic of nothing but different colored gumballs. With everything that has been going on I decided that maybe it was time to try the puzzle trick again. It would be a nice distress tolerance and maybe even at some level, a mindfulness practice. It couldn't hurt. So a week ago I grabbed the gumball puzzle and dumped out the pieces and I started sorting out the frame pieces first (that is what grandma taught us).
When my brother arrived the next day his eyes lit up to see the puzzle. I told him I thought I had been a little too ambitious and that I was thinking about putting it up and getting the easier one. He said we couldn't, we had to do the gumballs - it would be a challenge! It may take a year yet we would not let it beat us. Each morning we pick at it and work on it. It has been kind of overwhelming. Even when we got the frame finished, there was this huge pile of pieces of nothing but mixed colors. Where do you even start with that? After a few days of frustration, I sat and started to sort pieces by the dominant color on them. I had forgotten how much focus it took. Many of the pieces were easy to identify the main color and quickly moved into a pile. For the rest, each one would have to be picked up, looked at closely, and a decision made.
These past few days I have spent quite a few hours sitting in front of that puzzle. There really is a method to doing puzzles like these where it multiples of the same object. You pick a starting spot and then you look at the box. What colors are here? What is the shape - tabs on top or sides? These two questions alone can take your search from an overwhelming 300 pieces to a manageable 20 or so. Then you start looking. You touch the pieces. You move them. You pick them up and try them in the spot. You return them to the pile and try again. Soon you find the one that fits. A small surge of joy runs through you. You start the process again. It is not as scary as it seemed at first. With each piece you start to think, this is not that bad, I can do this. Soon a corner is filled, then a couple rows up each side.
Life right now isn't much different than that puzzle. It feels overwhelming, like someone just dumped it out into a big pile. I remind myself that it is just a new challenge and I have been through plenty of challenges before and came out better from them. It will be ok. I will get the pieces sorted out. I will take a closer look at the ones I need to. I will focus and search and find the right fit. It may take some time yet I will be complete again, I will be whole, I will be healed.
And so, on this Thanksgiving day, I am ever so thankful for the gumball puzzle.
