My intentions of taking that long nap earlier was to help my body recover from already being run down, it was not an excuse to be up all hours of the night (morning) to even it out. Now way long after I should be sound asleep, here I sit. It is not that I am wide awake, quite the contrary - physically I am worn out and I could so easily just go to bed, except my ever-so-busy mind has other plans. Therefore, fasten your seat belts...I'm writing when I am tired and not completely focused which simply means, limited filters.
Last Tuesday I kind of hit a brick wall. Ok, maybe that isn't what happened. I really have no clue how to define in a label what the event was. All I know is that life was moving really fast all of a sudden, I couldn't seem to get a grasp on it, and my mind was trying to go to a place that simply scared the hell out of me. Going back and reading that post makes me work on a several skills from class, the top one being "don't judge yourself."
My first instinct is to metaphorically kick my ass for allowing myself to get angry and frustrated, then add another whomp for allowing myself to put it on paper. I should never write something that I find myself apologizing for later, whether that apology be for the content or the way it is delivered.
In class, we learned about primary and secondary emotions. We learned that sometimes the secondary emotion comes so quick that we think it is the primary. Other times the secondary emotions comes to mask the primary. Identifying that primary emotion can be hard sometimes because it reacts to whatever the trigger is and then is gone almost as fast - yet it exists.
Yes, I was mad, angry, upset, irate (just pick a word that seems to fit "I am pissed off") and yet, that was not my primary emotion. It has taken a week and a half, a lot of thinking, calming, and even some anxiety and worry to come to that conclusion. So, what was the primary emotion that so quickly went to anger? I'm afraid. I'm scared. And, being alone when you are scared - at least with me - it quickly turns to survival coping.....anger.
Have you ever had one of those lingering illnesses (flu, bad cold, etc.) or injury and you knew you were sick/hurt, yet you managed to keep moving forward. It just was the way it was - feeling like crap just became a normal part of life. You functioned and you functioned well for the situation. Then, one day you started getting better. It was a little odd because by this time you had pretty much forgotten you were actually sick/in pain, it was just a part of you. As you continued getting better you realized that not only had it been bad, it was WAY worse than you thought. It is like you couldn't recognize how bad you were until you were better.
This is where I am finding myself with the emotional/mental struggles stuff in my life. I am getting healthy - really healthy (yes, I understand I have a long way to go still, yet I think I have got a good start). I started to realize how "sick" I have been and for how long. Yes, I will never be "cured", it is about managing it now instead of beating it all [thank you , I will gladly take that YIPPEE!] yet, wow, it appears that I have not been well for a long time. I wonder if there was ever a time when I was.
The odd part about it is that the more I learn and heal and all of that, the bigger it keeps getting. You know that phrase, "ignorance is bliss"? So true. Yes, "knowledge is power" - especially to help me be healthy across the board, and yet naming, defining, and acknowledging things that have made me so unhealthy has started to really scare me recently. How did I let myself get so bad and how was I so oblivious to it? Then the even greater fear - is there something really wrong with me? As I get better, am I getting worse?
Things feel "bigger" and more overwhelming now. Example being my struggles with focusing. Now, I have always struggled with focusing yet somewhere I managed to either fake it well or had some coping mechanism. I am having a lot of problems with focusing on tasks that I just get frustrated with myself and the task and all things associated. I don't think I am having more problems than I used to, yet it sure feels like it. Am I really worse or am I just more aware that I see it different? How bad is it going to get before it starts getting better....or is it never going to get better? This is just one example. I could easily apply the same to my ability to multitask or even remember things.
I may be stubborn, yet I am not stupid. I watch relatives with emotional struggles get worse. Am I doomed to that too? Am I fighting a losing battle? It is not only a very lonely spot to be in, it is a very scary one. I have always feared the unknown and this is an unknown of huge proportions. I really thought there was a time in my life when I was emotionally healthy and strong. What I am realizing is that I may not have ever been. What the hell does that mean for the future?
So the fear turns to anger and it all starts compounding. No more separation of little and big Blewy. It's just one....just me. It's confusing. I'm getting healthier and stronger and moving forward in great leaps and bounds and still, there is this part of me that feels like it is either lagging behind or going in the opposite direction. The thing is, I can't put a word on it. I can't explain it. I can "point" and say, "it's that" yet I can't tell you what it is. I can't even describe it, and so toss in some more anger and frustration with myself.
Is this part of getting better? Is this part of healing? Is it just another round in the "darkest before the storm" - and if so, how many times does that have to come around before the sun just finally stays out? Am I really ok? Is this how life really is? Is this being healthy? Seeing that "being healthy" is apparently a new thing for me, I do not seem to have anything to reference or compare it to.
It's easier to be angry over (or on top of) being afraid. Fear creates vulnerability. Anger puts you on high guard. The thing is, anger will also either destroy or protect fear and when it is all happening within yourself, that becomes a very dangerous scenario. Simply, to find peace with it all, you will either protect yourself or destroy yourself. Some days, like last week, I do not feel like I have control of which will happen. To be safe, I shut the whole machine down. You might say I took the fear and the anger, buried them as far down as I could, then ran like hell.
There is only one problem with this. Although effective, it doesn't solve the problem. It doesn't make me find the answers. As well, it only stays buried for so long - it always comes back. I at least have learned that it is better that I go dig it up and try to work through it instead of letting it show back up unexpectedly on its own 20 years down the line.
So I am still afraid of my emotions, aside from my fallback "happy go lucky all the time" side. I'm afraid to look at them, get near them, or experience them.
And I was doing so good.
