Well, class is officially over. It still seems odd that tomorrow will roll around and I will go home after work. It was lifesaving, that is only one of many, many good things I can say about it. It was not easy by far. I have decided that feelings and emotions are the scariest thing in the world. We can learn to make friends with them or be haunted by them. And, according to dialectics, both could happen at the same time.
This blog started as an option to get comfortable a bit more with feelings and emotions. I never thought it would be as powerful of a tool as it became. I allowed myself for it to be a place I could safely come and talk and work through things, good and bad. Some posts were not easy to write, yet they had to be told. I still struggle with vocally sharing my thoughts and feelings. I still trip over words, I still stumble through thoughts. Writing has been a comfortable environment that allowed me to get out what I needed to get out. I am getting better with my words, yet I still do better via pen and paper.
Lately, I have been in a fight with my emotions. We are starting to mend the fence, yet I think we are just in a new place and feeling each other out again. We are able to sit with each other for a longer time without needs of a babysitter to keep us from harming each other. I'm going to take it as progress.
I thank those who have walked this journey with me so far. Although I am not the best on using my resources, it is always comforting to know people are there. I still have a lot to learn in that area. It will come, just as other things have. We are not done, just starting a new chapter. The big battles have been fought, and since I am here writing still, I can say they were won. Now it is maintaining what I have claimed and finding peace with what I can't defeat.
At least for "fighting the fight", I think it is time to put it to rest as well. Oh, I will keep writing and most likely via another blog. This one has been part of journey that has completed itself. It has served its purpose, and done it well. I will continue to go back and read and reflect and remember how far, with the help of so many, I was able to come.
These past couple weeks have had some amazing highs, some scary lows, and lots of in-between. As good or bad or scary as it has been, it has been a good test of my integrity. Situations where I would have previously had me giving up or being destructive to myself, have resulted in healthy choices. Sure, some took extra coaxing, yet I made it. Some still linger in the "what do I do with this" category, yet I will figure it out.
My story could have ended a year ago, yet it didn't. It wasn't my time yet, too much work to do, too much to learn, to much still to experience. There is still much more out there in all areas. I am sure I give God a headache more than He wants, yet he hasn't given up on me. In reality, ever time I tell Him to just let me be, He sends more angels. Ok, God, I get it. Yet feel free to keep sending the help, I can be high-maintenance sometimes and really don't want to burn anyone out.
It is time to call it a night. My body is weary tonight and needs some extra rest. My mind has calmed and the haunting emotional ride has finally slowed down. A deep breath, a big hug, and tomorrow we start new again. It is the blessing we all have, to start new each day. Seeing that I should be around for many more years, that is plenty of chances to keep trying to get it right....one moment at a time, one blue donkey at a time, one can of gasoline at a time [ha! ok, not really, just had to throw that in there for posterity!] We have done well together, we have fought a good fight, we have kept the faith.
Ambrazos grande y con amor siempre,
Blewy
