Full circle

During the many years as EIU as a student and employee, I would often go and sit on the steps of McAfee Gym and write in my journal. It was the perfect spot to get some sun and watch people as they came by. Often, among the thoughts and feelings, there would be descriptions of the people coming by - how they appeared, if they seemed happy or sad, walking or running (or some falling down). There was plenty to see and experience.

I remember how, during those years I was gone from EIU, some of the landscape had changed in that view. The shift from the upper to lower quad had new steps as well as a ramp, the west side of the Union had been renovated. Even though it was different, it was still a great place to sit, view, feel, and record.

Part of the building reconstruction we had here a few years ago included a new ramp to the basement. Quite the cool achievement from the steep death trap that existed before. The new one is graded nicely and is even heated to keep from icing over in the winter. The athletes love it. At one end a new set of steps go up to the parking lot. I often take breaks and just sit out there. It is a nice little place to hide out and just take in the day. Not as much scenery as my spot at EIU, yet a place I feel comfortable and able to relax in.

When they finished the renovations and we were moving back downstairs, the elevator still needed to be commissioned so all the moving had to be done by the ramp. A co-worker and I took our office chairs, smiled at each other, sat down, and took a trip down the ramp. I let her go first, that way if she crashed into the concrete wall, I could crash into her. I never realized an office chair could go so fast. We giggled like a couple little kids who had just gotten away with something....well, we actually did. We still laugh about it.

I was sitting out there today. Just sitting and thinking and taking in the day. It is actually a little humid today - a good sign that summer is not far away. If you are out there at just the right time, you can feel the warmth of the sun without it shining right in your face. As well, if you time it right, the athletes may be coming or going from a training run. It's a nice spot.

I got to wondering if I would ever let myself just write again. Open my soul back up to feelings and emotions and let the results come out as they come. I seemed to have backtracked at some level. I got spooked and ran back to a familiar place behind me instead of in front. Several posts ago I used a comparison of the dog slowly learning to trust to come up and get a cookie. I feel like I am back in the doorway again with my tail between my legs. Now, that comparison was originally used in regards to asking for help. No one that I have learned to trust has spooked me, this one is all internal - I spooked myself. It leaves me afraid to ask myself for help, afraid to trust my choices, unsure that I can make the right decision.

The main problem when you are fighting with yourself is, you can't escape yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. Yes, there are ways to pull it off and every one I can think of would be in bold, italics, and underlined on the "horribly unhealthy" list. I understand - I am where I am, what matters now is what I choose to do about that. I can go through the whole list of dialectics including "this is not where I wanted to end up and it is where I am" or even "this sucks and yet I am going to have to deal with it" or more honestly "I don't know how I ended up here and it sucks."

I try not beat myself up, I really do. It recently is easier said than done. I look in the mirror and think, "you had to go and eat the cookie, didn't you. You trusted in yourself and now you are back in the corner. Way to go." And, of course, half way through that line of thought I hear ever so prominently, "judgement?" Why, yes, very much so.

Tonight is the last night of class. Ironically, I finish it kind of in the same place I started it. Did not see that one coming. The good thing is at least I have knowledge, skills, and tools to get out of the corner this time in a safe and healthy way - if I can just learn to trust myself a little bit again. I have people who will offer a hand to help me stand up - both if I ask and if I don't. I have a great support group that I trust more each day (if that is possible). All the pieces are there, I just have to let the ball start rolling again.

Then there is me....my worst enemy.