And here we are, officially Christmas break. It didn't take too long on the drive home yesterday for the depression to start in. I guess I haven't dealt with it for a while as it was almost an unknown feeling. Who would have though that of all people, I would forget what depression felt like. As I thought about it I realized I have had some down days, yet I haven't had the severe depression. I guess that's a testament to the things I have been learning and work I have been doing. As well, a big pat on the back for those who have been teaching me and helping me along the way.
I always thought depression sucked and now that I've been away from it for a while I have concluded that it really, really does. I handled it well, I went to bed for a few hours. I wasn't running way, I was truly exhausted and the answer I kept getting from my body was to rest. So I figured why not actually listen to my body for once? It's still lingering around today yet it on the low side. I'm aware it is there and that it will probably try to make an appearance as much as it can through the next several weeks. Somewhere in my agenda today I need to come up a plan of action to address it. As long as I keep the first item on the plan "breathe" followed by "don't do anything stupid" then I should have no problems. Again, let me express my love for the holiday season!
I've already started loading up my calendar. I've got a couple big web projects to knock out that could potentially take most of my time. I have to laugh as it seems that even though I closed the business this summer, the few clients I kept manage to keep me on my toes. It is ok, they are good clients and really appreciate the work I do for them. If all my clients had been that way, I'd probably still have the business open. I'm good with it. After 15 years of running it on top of working full time and school, it was time to shut it down. The reduced stress has been awesome, the financial hit, not so much. Not that I was making big bucks, yet if you average it out that is like a couple tanks a gas a month and a little extra for Christmas. It has all worked out and I don't know how I could have had the added stress on top of everything this second part of the year. God really does guide us.
When I moved to back to Charleston it was the first time I had my own place. The first time I had been on my own without a roommate or in the college environment. Ali and I and the world. We moved around a lot and lived in some great places. My favorite will still be the Victorian house we lived in. It was two story and had been split into 4 apartments. My place was the original study and sitting room. The place was beautiful and it also had a huge wrap around porch. I love porches. There is nothing like sitting out on a porch, no matter the season. Whether you are watching the sun set, fireflies in the fields, counting the stars, or just enjoying some peaceful moments, a porch is the key to happiness.
I loved decorating the different places we lived in. Everything had a place and it was always presentable. For the holidays at first trailer we were at I put over 500 chaser lights up on the ceiling in the living room. Those sets that have like 12 different options. Yes, it was like Studio 54 had thrown up in there and it was awesome!!! Left them up there the whole time we lived there. Tried it at one of my other places, yet that after I started having the tremors and seizures and flashing lights were not really a smart option.
I lucked out that the places we lived were all "fix-up's" and I could paint and change things as I wanted. The landlords loved it as it took the burden off of them. It was usually a swap job for the deposit or pet fee. This worked out great for me. Then I got sick. Apparently when you are just trying to survive, your physical environment loses priority very quickly. It is hard. You look at yourself and how you feeling inside and think, "this is not me" and then you look around at the physical disarray and know that environment is not you either. As fast as you emotionally shut down, your physical world has shut down too. One way I used to be able to gauge how bad I was emotionally (at that time it was the depression) was by how trashed my house was. I went from having an open-door policy to locking the door and not letting anyone over unless they called first. If you showed up unexpectedly, you were not let in. I used to try and laugh it off and would make the comment, "This is how mentally ill people live" while feeling embarrassed and shamed inside. I didn't live like this, I wasn't raised like this, and yet, I couldn't seem to get on top of it. Eventually I got a little hold on it, yet it is still a fight. I look around and easily get overwhelmed.
Loved being able to buy a house. My little place is wonderful, it reminds me of my grandparents house. Just under 800 square feet, it was perfect for Ali and I. With a small garage, workshop and a nice sized lot, it really is my piece of heaven. I had great plans of things I was going to do to it before moving in. It was exciting. I closed on the house on a Tuesday, Thanksgiving was on Thursday, and the following Monday I went into the hospital for a week with double pneumonia. Yup, so much for all those things I was going to do before I moved in.
Now, 6 years later, the mis-matched colored walls, missing trim, and ugly brown-70's-don't-have-a-clue-what-that-pattern-is carpet have become the things that make it unique. My walls are filled with photos, shelves filled with books, and I have all kind of little "things" around. Not knick-knacks, yet little toys or gadgets or gizmos. Little things I have picked up here or there because they were unique or odd - kind of like me. I tell people my place is cross between a bachelor pad and Ripley's believe it or not. You could spend days in here and not see everything. It is a fun little place. It could be a lot more organized, maybe a little less clutter, and could use a good dusting, yet, it is mine. And, seeing that I tiled "BLEWY" in the bathroom floor, I won't be selling it anytime soon either!
Now that I am stronger emotionally, it is the time to start getting a handle on my physical world. Aside from just cleaning and organizing, there are physical things that need to go just because of the
emotional association with them. If you clean out the emotional
garbage and still have a physical reminder of it sitting there, the work
seems a little pointless. Instead of looking at it as a whole and feeling like it is too big to tackle, I need to break it down into manageable pieces. Just like everything else, I can have control over this too. Small, reasonable and realistic goals. I can work through this just like I am working through everything else. It is going to be ok, it really is.
