My brother called to check on me this morning. Poor guy, he was the recipient of my "bad things I want to do right now" phone call yesterday. Filled him in on the latest information and he reminds me of how I was able to get through it without giving in and jumping off the wagon. Then he made me laugh. He is good at that. He's a good guy. I know I make him worry a lot yet he doesn't ever complain.
It is better today. Was still a little rough around the edges this morning as I woke up with a fair amount of anger still churning. I have to cut myself some slack at some point, focus on the positive. Instead of hitting level 10+, it was more like 8.75. This is good, very good. Something is working in it all. Sure will be glad when it is 5 or less or even not even an issue, yet 8.75 is a win.
Once again I find myself standing up, taking a deep breath, cleaning up my internal path of destruction, and starting back up the ladder. Stomp out the last few embers, rake out the ashes, sigh at the amount of wood still there. Fix it back up in hopes there will not be a next time, or at least one so destructive. And my bucket of fuel? Never tossed it on. Put the lid back on it and set it away.
I find it interesting that when you distance yourself from something, when you encounter it again it seems to have a more powerful impact. For example, I noted the other day about the depression rolling in. Something that had been an every day part of myself for years and then was gone for awhile was a little overwhelming when it hit again.
When I got out of the hospital I had to change how I lived life. I went from being very spontaneous and rolling with things to having schedules and routine. It was the only way I could function at that point. When I would find myself in chaotic situations I would shut down - quit interacting with others, avoid people, find ways to escape the moment(s), get angry with myself. Anything to make either the situation or myself "disappear" until it changed.
Getting healthier has allowed me to move away from some destructive scenarios (and choices), mentally and physically. As I keep climbing my ladder, I know there are some of these I won't ever have to face again and that makes me happy. Then others, I just keep praying I can handle when they cross my path. I underestimated the power some still hold over me even though I keep moving further away.
It would seem there may be times when I find myself laying on my back at the bottom of the ladder looking up with the wind knocked out of me. I must be pretty far up that ladder as this round hurt extra when I hit. I'm getting too old for this, my body doesn't take a beating like it used to.
I need those safety ropes for climbers so even if I do slip or get knocked off I don't end up a grease spot in the dirt. Of course those will only work if I don't allow them to be severed before I am shoved.
So, stand up, catch my breath, lick my wounds, let the internal anger go, let the external anger not consume me, remember I'm not alone in this, remember I am of worth, take the delay of game and punt, then get back out there.
And remember that I am stronger than I realize.
