I like winning. I am not going to lie. I liked it when I was an athlete and I liked it when I was a coach. There's nothing like a great game and at the end of it you come out on top. Of course when I started coaching I always taught the kids that it was more about what you gave than what the scoreboard said. If you gave it everything you had, then you won. Sometimes the scoreboard doesn't show in our favor, yet our hearts do. I can't lie though, it is nice to see your team with the higher number when that final buzzer goes off.
So what about losing? I hate to lose. I hate to lose even if I have given it every last drop of energy I have. I don't care if it is an athletic event or battling everyday life. I hate to lose. At some level you learn to accept it yet that does not mean you have to like it. I try to look at loss as a learning experience. What did I do? Where did it seem to fault? What can I change next round? The worst loss is the one you see coming and you know there is nothing you can do but sit back and let it roll through.
It is nice to go to bed each night and honestly tell yourself that you won for the day. I find more times I even wake up excited to see what the day has to bring. I am getting used to this peace of mind thing. It is a good thing. It is a nice change.
Then there are days like today.
These are the days where your mind goes and digs up all the negative moments, the less-effective choices, the pain and hurt caused to you, the pain and hurt you may have caused to others, all the losses, and throws it right out in front of you in your face. A cruel reminder of the dark corner that may always be there.
I caught on quickly to what was happening. Thinking I am stronger than this now, I have been battling all day to stand up to it and take control. I've beaten some smaller versions of this along the way and I would like to think I can finally stand up to the big guy now. It's not working so good.
I feel like every time I stand up I am shoved back down and told "sit down and shut up, this is who you are. quit fooling yourself and quit fooling everyone else." It sucks and it hurts. It hurts deep. It is like someone has put their fist through my chest to very depths of my soul then lit it on fire. My very being is in pain. Yup, can't express how much I have missed that feeling.
As far back as I can remember I have dealt with the mind games. When I was younger it was mostly low self-esteem thoughts. As I got older the thoughts got darker and came along with with a lot of destructive feelings. To close my eyes for even a moment to breathe brought very visual thoughts of harm. To close my eyes for a time was worse. The images were disturbing and horribly violent. They were damage by my own hand and others and they played over and over until I fell asleep or found a way to pass out to escape them. In the waking hours I could feel them even without the visual.
It has only been in this current year that I have been able to get some good control over it. It hasn't been easy yet I have been successful. The destructive thoughts still come and go yet it is at a low level and manageable. I honestly thought the days of it coming back full force were long gone. I am wondering if the thoughts didn't just go away and take some time to grow and strengthen, waiting for a moment to come back with a vengeance. Well, hey old friends, nice to friggin' see you.....not.
I understand why it's back today. I've been sick. Any shock to my body (illness, surgery, etc.) stirs the bucket. It's like someone forgets to put the lock on the gate and the little demons sneak out and cause some havoc. I usually anticipate it and make it part of my recovery plan. I just don't understand why it has come so strong this time. This isn't the gate getting left open, this is the whole fence getting knocked down. There is a huge prison riot going on in my head and body.
It is hard and I just want to scream out for help, yet what do you answer when someone replies with "what do you need help with?" and you don't know how to explain it. I start an email with "Struggling today, can you assure me it will be ok?" then I question if that is a good choice and delete it. Some battles may just be ones I have to fight alone. If I can't teach myself that it is going to be ok, then what do I learn? My first move cannot be reaching out, it has to be taking my best shot on my own. Then, if I still can't get it figured out, consider asking for help.
Then I start to question myself, am I even allowed to struggle anymore? Is that bad? What has been the point of all this changing I am working on...to get stronger and healthier. I'm supposed to be stronger. I'm not supposed to let this stuff get to me anymore. And I begin to think, am I really listening and paying attention? Am I not doing the work I should be doing? Am I fooling myself?
The upside is that I have a full afternoon. I have to go face life. I will stay busy enough to drown it out for a while. All I can do at the moment is keep telling myself, "This is not who you are nor is it who you were. You are much more than this." If I have to say it 4000 times today, I will. And I will smile and fight the fight and no one will have a clue.
This is not who I am.
This is not who I was.
I am more than this.
I will not lose.
