I didn't do so good yesterday. I had the perfect opportunity to put a lot of skills into play and I dropped the ball. There it was, the perfect storm that I could have taken on and I reduced myself to less than I knew I was before it. Yes, physically I am not at 100% and that generally is a catalyst for these types of situations, yet at the end of the day it only equates to an excuse. I had the chance to prove myself and I didn't. I think it is time to add a new saying to my bathroom mirror: "This is when you use your skills."
re·deem: transitive verb \ri-ˈdēm\: to make (something that is bad, unpleasant, etc.) better or more acceptable
So how about some redemption? Instead of kicking myself for yesterday, can I redeem myself? Yes, I can't change yesterday, how I felt or how I reacted, yet I believe I can I find some peace with it. Therefore I am taking the hand offered to me last night and standing back up to see, with help of their guidance and my own thoughts, what I can make out of it. [breathe in....hold....breathe out....repeat, you are ok]
Was yesterday a loss?
Seems I need to define what a "loss" would be. Now that I stop and try to define that, it is not that easy. I guess the loss in my mind is when my actions hurt someone, when I revert back to old habits/behaviors, or when I quit the fight. No one was hurt (that I am aware of). I may not have implemented skills and I didn't backtrack either. Although the desire was there and strong, I did not choose anything self-destructive or self-harming. I didn't quit fighting even though I may have stopped for a brief moment to try and catch my breath. Therefore, I guess it can be concluded that yesterday really was not a loss. It would appear there may have been some small wins.
Whose voice was yelling at me?
That would be mine. Very distinct and authoritative. It is the voice fueled through the years by guilt and shame. Every time I screwed up (whether it was legitimate or not) it got stronger. It is the one that orchestrates the reminder messages when I don't meet my own expectations. It's like when you would get in trouble and your parents would use your full name to summon you. When you hear it, you know you have messed up.
What would I like to tell that voice?
I would love to just stand up and scream at the top of my lungs, "[Enter expletive here] you! I am not that person anymore!" Unfortunately, that indicates that at one time I was that person the voice claims, which is tough as I want to believe that I never was. It is hard because I felt (and sometimes still do) like I was that person who always was the screw up or the cause of pain and unhappiness to others. Which transitions into the next question easily.
Is something true because it feels true?
I hesitate even though I want to say, "Isn't it?" I have no clue how to even address this. Ok, let's think here. Do things exist in absolutes only? No. Can opposites coexist - can something be true and feel false, be false and feel true? Yes. So this is not an absolute statement, yet a plausible one. This is not getting me real far here. Let's put it in a statement matching the scenario - I must be horrible because I feel horrible. Well, crap, now that it's put that way I guess the answer would be no. I am not horrible just because I "feel" horrible. My actions dictate my worth, not my feelings. And, dang it, I am not horrible and I hate that I have to keep fighting for justification with myself.
Do you really feel you are not learning anything?
No, that's a false statement. I learn things everyday. I'm learning from class, practice, life experiences. I'm doing what I need to do and the extra I do on top of that is not hurting either. I may have not used all the skills and tools I could have yesterday, yet I obviously used some. If I think how I would have reacted to a day like yesterday even six months ago, it would be so far and away different as I chose to react yesterday. The only fooling I would be doing is trying to convince myself that I haven't learned anything.
So how about next time?
Yes, this is probably not the last time I will be facing this. It's putting to work all I know, all I have written on, all I will continue to learn. Yes, I am going to struggle, I think that is inevitable and kind of unrealistic to think it won't happen. One way we grow is from pain and struggle. If they didn't exist, how could we better ourselves? When you get comfortable, you quit progressing. I am not changing life, I am changing how I interact with it.
What can be taken away from this?
If putting the thoughts out there in writing helps to sort them out, then don't stop with the thoughts alone. "Talk" through them, work through them, kick them around until you get the outcome you are satisfied with. You really don't have to cower just because you are told to (by yourself or others). It is your right to stand and question and get the answers you want, even if it is against yourself.
How many people have now made reference to you about things being the hardest before they get better? Listen to them. They know what they are talking about. If you can't buy into it right now, I am sure any of them would let you ride on their coattails for a bit until you can own it yourself too.
Don't forget about God. He is not going anywhere and neither are His angels. Yes, I know you struggle yet do not deny who you know you are. He doesn't bite. I promise.
And, will you PLEASE get off the whole "I have to do this myself" kick?? Seriously, I totally admire the whole independent thing there and I get it, there is a level of "warm fuzzy" personal satisfaction from figuring something out on your own. And I know you, be honest, do you really find it that enjoyable to figure things out alone? Have you ever thought that even if you did know how to do something that someone else might have a different way of doing it? And have you thought that the other person might learn something from you? It isn't about the things you will learn by doing it alone, it is about the things you will learn with other viewpoints. Hello? Theater in the round?? Let go of your pride and quit judging yourself just because you ask for assistance. It does not make you less of a person. If anything, it shows a lot of strength. And, since people have offered their help, you can't even come up with an excuse that you are bothering them. Let it go. Although not an exercise I would suggest doing today (or even this week), go back and look at some of the things you couldn't accomplish because you couldn't bring yourself to ask for help. How many of those things could you have completed?
So remember, when you read "This is when you use your skills" that means now, right now. Every moment is an opportunity, take it.
Now, go do your homework, you have class in 2.5 hours.
