It's kind of dangerous for me to be writing right now. I'm super tired yet I can't seem to get the brain to shut down. At least I am not on Ambien anymore, so I will actually remember this tomorrow. Oh those poor souls who got "drunk on Ambien" texts and phone calls. Yah pretty much told doc no more of that! Have to admit, the Facebook posts were hilarious! Someday...maybe in the next life I will actually recall doing all those different communications.
Lots of thoughts from my meeting today. Really has had me pondering and considering and then thinking "what if" scenarios. Good ones, that is.
There's only a week left in this year. Sure there will be the whole resolution thing, yet what do I want to leave behind when the year changes? I've been able to dump a lot of baggage and there's plenty more to go. My brain churns away trying to find things to toss in a last ditch effort.
There are a few things that come to the top and I just look at them. They would be nice to let go of. Things that may not have been mine to keep in the first place. Then I hesitate. What if they were mine and I let them go? Am I bailing on responsibility? Is it kind of like a check engine light? You reset it with the thought that if there really is a problem it will trip again. If I let something go that I should have kept, will it just come back around? So maybe I should just work on letting the obvious stuff go.
Sometimes it is hard to let things go because they have lingered as "punishment" for less than effective choices. They are clear reminders to not do something again. The are the burn from touching the hot stove.
I've been introduced to this whole new communication dynamic and more times than not I just look at it with disbelief. I want to say things like, when are you going to tell me I am wrong or stupid? Or when do I get the non-verbal cues that indicate such? When it doesn't happen, I am a little stumped as to how to react. It is unfamiliar territory that my thoughts can be just as valid as another's.
I keep wanting to ask, you mean I can have a personal [feeling, thought, experience] and it is ok? I am allowed to express that? My mind has spent so many years filtering thoughts and ideas that to just speak freely without hesitation to another is difficult.
As strange as it feels, I like it. To think I am just as good as the next person and to mostly believe it (work in progress), is kind of nice. That my thoughts are valid, is a good feeling. It is almost like my existence may actually have a purpose and it is good.
I try to think what's changed, why now, why haven't I figured this out before? Why is it just now that it is making such an impact? I'm sure this is not the first time it has been "presented" to me. Rumor has it that I can be a bit stubborn.
I guess life just had to get me to the right place and time. Then God had to find someone to take what I had already been taught, build on it, and show me in a way that I would finally start to believe in it. Boy, do they have their work cut out for them.
Thank you God.
