In August 1990, I was robbed at gun point. It was my last night of work before heading back to college. I actually had been asked earlier that day by one of the other employees if I wanted her to take my shift since it was my last night. I had said no, that I would finish it out. Just after 10 pm, a guy came into the store and around the corner after the cash register. When he rounded the corner, there I was, knelt down behind the counter. He started yelling for me to get up, open the cash register, and clean it out. My co-worker (there was only 2 of us in the store) was in the back running water in the sinks and heard nothing over the water.
I got up and my mind went blank. I remember the buttons almost merging with one another on the cash register and I couldn't remember what button to push to open the drawer. I was shaking and trying to open the drawer and the guy just kept yelling and yelling. About that time my co-worker came around the corner to see what was going on and found himself in the middle of the situation. I finally got the drawer open and gave him all that was in it. We were ordered to the back, hands in the air, yet in his sight until he left. I had never felt fear like that in my life.
We spent the next hour or so talking with the police. The guy was never caught and we were never offered anyone to go and talk to about things. I buried it and moved on. People would ask me, did you see your life pass before your eyes? No, can't say I did, yet I do recall the feeling that my life would never be the same again. Life never was and I wasn't either. In a moment, everything had changed.
I had this thought come to my mind today - what if this moment was it, what if I were never to progress, learn, grow, heal, (etc.) any more, would I be happy being the person I am right now? Would I be good with the person I am at this moment? Would I be just okay, content, or happy with that person?
As I was taking my bracelets off today, I sat looking at my one that says "live in the moment." I got to thinking, am I really doing this? Am I living in the moment or am I existing in the moment until the next one comes along? If I am only existing, it is for a few moments or many? Why am I only existing? Why am I not living? By experience I know that your whole life can change in one moment, so am I taking full advantage of every moment I have?
Look around yourself right now. Can you feel life touching you? Can you sense the existence of something more than what you see or hear? How would you describe it? Is it good, bad, healthy, unhealthy, pleasant, unpleasant or is non-existent? What is this very moment to you? Are you living in it? Are you going to take anything away from it? Here is the thing, even if your answers are no, no, it sucks, it's non-existent, it means nothing to me, and it is a waste of my time; you lived in the moment. At some level you stopped and you acknowledged it. You did not just exist, you experienced, and therefore you lived.
Again, I ask myself, am I okay with the person I am at this moment? If not, I would ask the question posed to me a while back - what can I do differently, at this moment, to make it okay? I feel it is kind of unrealistic to think that I could experience every single moment, yet how many in a day can I experience? If I am being mindful and aware, probably more than I realize.
So, for myself, I will try to always live rather than exist. I will remember that even in the down times, there is always something in the moment that is good, and I will do my best to recognize it.
I will do it today and I will do it tomorrow, yet especially, I will do it at this moment.
