Wednesday evening I finished my TBT post, set it to load at midnight, and was done. I was done writing. I was over it. I was done feeling. I was discouraged in myself, my progress, my efforts. I thought I had been doing good, yet I felt I missed a turn somewhere. I felt like I had missed the point of things. Everyone in class seemed to have it figured out and all I could think was that I had just been fooling myself this whole time. Find me my brick and mortar, the walls were going back up.
The week had already been leaning on the intense side. Tuesday in session we talked about a lot. Yes, a lot, like I think my therapist had carpel tunnel by the end of the session from taking so many notes. Then later, I realized I gave her a pretty hefty bear hug when I left. You know, the kind you give your buddies where you surpass the pat on the back and it's more like you are trying to dislodge food from their airway. Oops. I guess I better apologize for that next week. Leave it to me to be the trouble maker. Things were really not that bad at that point and I was feeling pretty confident, then I went to work with my thoughts running at full throttle. First day back provided the start of plenty eye-opening moments. Toss in some PMS and we have a hell week.
I knew Wednesday would be rough. I had an appointment that morning to go meet with my supervisor and one other about what had been going on since summer. I have a good supervisor and he has been amazing through the years with my health issues - mental and physical. I felt I needed to let him know what had been going on as my projects were going to start gearing up and it was obvious that I was not going to get through them the same as I did in the past. Was better to be upfront now than when my productivity started showing change.
I gave them the reader's digest version with the option to ask any follow up questions. I promised them if I felt like I was going to have a breakdown, I would try to get back to my office and not do it in the main foyer. With a chuckle, the other person in attendance told me that it would be just fine if that is where it happened.
The meeting went well yet it did get the brain going down the "your life is never going to be the same" path a little further than it already was. The emotions had already started piling on top of each other and I just didn't know what to make of it. It would be ok, we were to be back in class that night, a welcomed event. I knocked out a blog post to try and clear my mind and just went with it. As unsure as I felt inside, I was still able to put a good front up.
As noted earlier, class was good (it always is) yet as we gave our homework reports (I had gone first) and I listened to everyone, I made a less effective choice - I compared myself to everyone else and I paid the price. Everyone had these great examples of how they had applied the skills through the holidays and goals they had for themselves. They really seemed to be "getting it" and I suddenly felt like I was in last place. Now, I know that is absurd. We are not there to compare and we are all on our own paths, yet I let myself go there. I kept my smile as the discouragement just kept building. Toss in the drive home to ponder on it all and so it was. I was done. I was done trying to make friends with the emotions and feelings. The only reason one more post was written was because it was TBT.
Thursday was rough. I finally pulled myself out of bed in time to make it to work by lunch. I spent most of the day sitting at my desk with my head in my hands. It must have been more obvious than I thought as my one coworker would repeatedly show up in my doorway to ask if I was ok. I just kept giving the same answer, I will be. I felt like I was watching a big storm in the distance heading my way. Although you hope it will go north or south, you are realistic - it's going to hit you head on.
By later afternoon I could not take much more. I changed my clothes, went up to the gym and got on the treadmill. I put on my music and started walking and running. Either I was going to break down or my legs were going to give out, yet I wasn't stopping until one or the other transpired as I couldn't take sitting there watching the storm come closer and closer. In case you are wondering, the legs gave out first. It was a good try though.
Friday was better in the fact I was able to interact with people. It was almost like being two people. My mind still wasn't letting go of things, yet I could keep it in the background a little better. It was a multitasking war going on in my head and all I needed to do is make sure it didn't show. I couldn't get past the question, where in my life did I screw up to be messed up so bad now. Where did I make a wrong turn that it felt like I had to relearn everything now. Why hadn't I been stronger. Why hadn't I been smarter. All I knew was everything was changing, everything had to become different, and I could not understand why. What had I done that this was the consequence.
Frustration had given way to anger by now. I was angry with myself. I was angry with life. I was angry with God - not because I felt He had been some cause of it, yet because He continued to be loving and compassionate. I would just keep replaying it all in my mind - that was the only option I was giving myself. I needed a way to make some sense of things yet like hell if I was going to sit down and write.
So, here it is, late Saturday night and I am writing again. I realized I can't make any order of things in my mind alone - it's making me more crazy than I already am. I need to put my thoughts out where I can see them. I'm still angry - so angry. I'm frustrated and I'm hurting deep inside. I try to tell myself to just talk to someone about things (Hey Blewy, there is a reason you have a therapist) yet I have convinced myself somewhere that I have to work things out myself first. If I can't do my part, how can I in good conscience ask for assistance? On top of that, I have made the choice that emotional sided rants from myself are no longer allowable conversation - get it under control or keep my mouth shut.
I don't understand why this is hitting so hard now (is this just part of the healing process? If so, can I just express my excitement for what might come next?) nor do I really know how to deal with it. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to ask for help that I might become that person. I think most people have this person (or more) in their lives. You know, the one where you see their name or their phone number and you roll your eyes and you grunt. The one that has the tagline "not them again" appended to all communications. I don't want to become that person. Yet, how do ask for help with these kinds of issues and keep from becoming that person? Sure, I can't control how someone views me, yet I can do my best not to give them certain options.
Well, the one good thing is that even though I pretty much don't trust myself at this point, I know I won't do anything life threatening. I have promised too many people I wouldn't and if that is what it takes at this point, so it is. Seems I have promised most of them I would keep fighting, therefore running away from it is not the answer either.
Proverbs 3:5-6. That sounds like a good start.
