Had the thought this morning (then discussed it later) of how, for someone who really does not like to deal with emotions, I have sat with an awful lot of them this week. There's been a lot of learning, accepting, and healing happen over this past week. I am happy. Yes, at this moment, I am happy.
For the most part I survived last week's class with the mastery stuff. Luckily the question was not posed as "what are you good at" which took a huge anxiety load off. I cannot fully remember how it was posed yet it was still in a manner that I really did not want to try and answer it. Of course, the luck of the draw fell on me to be the first to answer. I was able to pass and go last...whew, disaster averted. We committed to something to do this week that would bring us joy or benefit us. Ok, so I think that is what I committed to. Can't lie, the self-imposed pressure to think of something totally took my focus off of what was being said. It happens.
One of the other class members was having difficulty coming up with something and the question was asked if there was anything in regards to work that could be chosen. I just thought to myself - yah, that's it, figure something out you need to do this week work wise. At that point I just needed to come up with something, no matter what it was. Knowing I needed to knock out 2 CMS projects by the end of this week, I said that. I would work on my computer projects as they would require me to learn some new techniques which in turn would help me on future projects. And writing in my blog was added to that as well.
Here it is, Tuesday. Have not touched the computer projects (which are still due by Friday - going to be some late, late nights the remainder of the week) and this is only the 3rd post in almost 7 days. Since we are discouraged to use words like "fail" I am not sure how to address this other than life took me a different direction this week. The positive side? I still have over 24 hours before class, I could still pull a win out of this!
Thursday's super emotion was frustration which got my mind rolling into overtime. Once again having found myself in a bucket of chaos, I was trying to pick pieces out, take a look at them, toss what didn't seem to be of importance, look at what was left over, and try to come up with some answers (and I have recently learned that not everyone's brain works this way). I quickly concluded that things before and after break were different - significantly different, which helped to give a time frame to look through for a trigger. Not only was able to locate the trigger, yet I was able to dig up the key piece - my confidence. My confidence had taken a severe blow which appeared to throw everything else off. After some more thinking and pondering, I allowed myself to fire off an email for some 3rd person perspective to my thoughts.
I kept working through thoughts on my own as well and finally decided to go home (I've been staying late at work because I have not wanted to go home and sit and think) and just take it as it came. Of the many feelings and emotions that were trailing around, I was feeling defeated. In my practice of "opposite emotion" I just went with the one thing that would make me smile - posting about Ali-girl. Ali moments always make me smile. Ali could fix anything (or could always make it better) with a howl, a bark, and a kiss. How's that for simplicity? I wrote my post, looked through the tons of photos I had on my computer of her, and watched the various videos of her. Yah, Ali does make things better, even from heaven. I wonder if I will ever get past that deep, pit of your gut sadness that accompanies how much I miss her.
I had my head a little higher Friday. Having identified the issue, there was some peace with it. Still was not sure what I was going to do about it, or how even to really address it, yet it was no longer an unknown variable. Now I was just having to battle with the "where I was" and "where I am" dilemma. I had received a reply to my email which gave me a choice to look at some things from some different perspectives. I was better, yet I was not good. I hadn't stood up yet, although I close to being on my knees. A little more at peace with things, I hit up the treadmill again. Not as distraught as the last time I decided to do "die or cry" treadmill time, I knew that I needed to do something physical. (Can I just express how much I cannot wait for this weather to get better so I can go walking outside!!)
I had the music up as loud as I could as I really didn't want to think about anything. I was just out to let emotions come to the top of the pile, not get picked out of the list by thinking about them. Twelve minutes in, sweaty, wishing I had used my inhaler before I started, and on a good pace for 15 minute mile, I about ran face first into that "cry" wall. I stopped right in front of it. I jumped off the belt, put my head in my hands on the front of the machine and just stood there. I closed my eyes and tried to decide if I was going to take that one last step. I decided I was close enough. For this time, this was close enough to the wall. The PT (who is aware of my treadmill intents) called out if I was ok and I tossed back a thumbs up, I think that trying to speak at that moment would have been taking that last step. I just stood there for a few minutes. I finally hit the stop button on the treadmill, turned the music down, and just breathed. Something inside told me it was going to be ok. Whatever it was, it was enough that I chose to believe it.
I took off soon after as I had a dinner appointment that night. That would keep my mind occupied. On the way home I could not find the CD I wanted so I just grabbed a random one and put it in. Crystal Lewis' "It's Heaven" came on. This was the song I listened to over and over after this summer. All of the lyrics gave me strength, yet the chorus had the most power:
It's only human
When I fall I feel I can't go on
It's only heaven now
That carries me and takes me over
It was the song that gave me the strength to get up and live. I would play it on repeat for hours at a time. I hadn't listened to it for quite a while and there it was, as if someone walked up to me with my confidence and said "Hey, I found this, I think it is yours." Yah, it has gotten played quite a bit all weekend too. With a renewed strength, I knew it was all going to be ok. I didn't have faith that it would be ok, I knew it would be.
I took Saturday to get away and "get my head on straight" which meant one thing - a trip to Charleston. That is my place to go and run away. I don't know why, yet I know if I can just go there, I feel like I have some hold on my life. Even though my time there had plenty of up's and down's, it is my place. I am the big egg in the little basket there and it is a safe place. A full day of renewal, I came home ready to take life on again. I sat down and started on the final reply of the email. The most empowering feedback to a comment I had made in the conversation suggested that maybe my confidence was not gone, only misplaced. I was reminded once again how life is not absolutes. I had realized my confidence was not present and therefore assumed it was gone for good, I had not entertained the idea that it might have only been lost.
And so it seemed it was still there, just a little out of my sight.
I am blessed for when I fear
The hope of heaven's always near.
