Aunt Carla

Jeff, Carla, and I, Fall 2007 before Granny and Pops passed.

It's a bittersweet day. While allowing myself to feel some success and peace with the recent emotional battle, I got a call from my Uncle Jeff that my Aunt Carla had passed on Friday. No details other than they think it may have been a blood clot.

Another Force family member taken by our unknown genetic circulatory issue. Pops, Grandpa Joe, and Grandpa Force all lost both legs from it. Carla feared she would lose at least one this next year as she had been having serious issues. She always encouraged me to get healthy in hopes of being the generation to "break the cycle."

We talked often yet had not seen each other since early 2008 when I was in town for the memorial service for Granny (who died in late 2007) and Keith "Pops" (who died in early 2008). She missed Keith, who was about 8 years older, so much after he passed. I can only imagine the joy at that moment when she crossed over and there he was to greet her. I'm sure it was immediately followed by meeting her sister Nancy Jo who died in infancy a year before Carla was born. It must have been quite the moment, all the family on the Force side is now in heaven. My brother and I are now the living generation, although we haven't carried the name for almost 40 years.

One of the last times Carla (in the
background) would see Joe and I
in person until we were adults.

I am a true believer that those who have passed are able to aide us still here on earth. I have had too many experiences in my life not to believe this. As I have spent the afternoon thinking of the times we had together, I suddenly wondered if it was no coincidence that things seemed to "turn around" for me on Friday. If you had a hand in that Carla, thank you, I owe you one.

I remember meeting Carla back in 1997 (I was so little when mom and Keith divorced that I didn't remember her). It was like an answer to a prayer. I always felt different. I didn't look like my mom's side of the family and I didn't really act like any of them either. I often would feel like an outcast simply because I didn't seem to fit. It took less than 5 minutes to figure out who I took after.

Jordan got have an early birthday party at
our visit in '05 (and yes, Jordan is
a mini-me of his Father)

When we both sat down and positioned ourselves exactly the same, crossed the same leg in the same manner, and leaned back almost in unison, it was pretty apparent. I find it amazing how we had no contact for over 25 years, yet our mannerisms, the way we spoke, our walk, and even our likes/dislikes of food were almost mirrored. I looked like Pops, yet my mannerisms were Carla. In 2005, Joe made the trip with me so we could take Jordan down to meet everyone. His first comment, "Oh my heck, you two are like twins" as we visited. I feel so blessed to have had the relationship I did with her.

I generally went down over 4th of July weekend and Carla always found fireworks for us to go to. One year, we went out on a lake with some friends on a larger boat. I sat off the front of the boat with my feet in the water as we trolled the lakes. I had never experienced fireworks like that before. It was like they were going off right above your head. There were some crazy memories from that night and we laughed about it for years.

Oh the things we schemed
to do to "the cop"

There used to be this cop car that sat uptown that had a female mannequin in it. Weirdest thing. Each year we would scheme how we were going to go do something to the mannequin - take it's head off, make it's middle finger stand up, maybe put a sign on the window or leave a box of donuts on the hood. Whatever we could think of, whether it really plausible or not. Every year we came up with new things to do. We were good, we never did any of them. I am glad I stopped and took pictures of it one time, it makes the memories even sweeter.

It was so fun when she met Jeff. Those two were meant to be together. I think she fell head over heels for him from the first sight, although I am not sure she would ever admit it. They were so cute together. He let me call him Uncle Jeff, and I let him call me Chrissy (and live to tell about it).

I'm having some difficulty with the emotional side of the loss. My standard reaction to someone passing, especially if it is someone I am close to, is to shut down. Put up that wall and do whatever it takes to not feel anything. Run from emotion as fast as I can. Yet, there are no more walls and running is not a choice I am allowing.

I feel like I am standing here a little frozen and pretty much numb emotionally. I am staring at all these emotions that go with losing a loved one and going "I don't remember what to do with you." Yet, there is something different here. Whereas my emotions generally feel like they are bombarding me of their own free will, it is like these are just sitting there, looking back, and going "it's ok. we will still be here waiting when you remember what to do with us."

Carla, Granny, Dusty, and Pops

I will have to call Uncle Jeff back tomorrow or Tuesday. I'm not sure what (or if) arrangements will be, there wasn't much in financial resources. There is also the question of what will happen to Dusty, my cousin who is in his mid 20's, autistic and with health issues and unable to live independently. Carla's biggest fear was passing before Dusty did. He was never expected to live to be a youth, let alone an adult. Carla devoted her life to him, making sure he was treated equally. She tied it up with several school districts for full inclusion, and got it. When doctors would give up, she fought with them. It was most likely her devotion and fight that has allowed him to live so long. It was not easy, especially all the years she did it single. She wanted him to at least experience the things the other kids did. He took driver's ed (although he was not able to get a driver's license), held jobs, and graduated high school. He loved going to dances and had plenty of "girlfriends" to keep Carla nerves on edge.

So, my heart mourns with Uncle Jeff and Dusty for the loss of someone we loved, yet I rejoice that her health is no longer an issue and she's reunited with Pops, Granny, and all the rest of the family that she missed so dearly.

Hug everyone for me Carla. Tell Pops I love him and know he looks out for me. Tell Ali hi for me, she always did like you. We will be ok here and will see you all there soon.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27)