Yeah, holiday break is officially over!!! I can't say that I have ever longed to come to work and do something. I really didn't care WHAT I did as long as it was not sitting at home.
It would seem that "being observant" is my new thing, well, kind of. I have always been a people watcher. I like to watch interactions. I like to watch mannerisms and expressions. When appropriate, I like to listen to conversations between people. How do they ask questions, how do they answer them. What is the vocabulary used. Does their body language match what they are saying. Even if it seems like I am not paying attention, I am always listening - taking mental notes to go back and review later.
I am not sure where I picked up on it all, maybe it is one of my survival skills. I had to learn how to read a person so I knew how to respond in a way that would not cause contention. Somewhere it went from being something I did to protect myself to additionally being something I could learn from. [What am I good at? I'm good at reading people.]
I think the learning part is one reason I go back and continually read the email communications with those I have worked through things with. How and why were questions and answers presented. Was I given answers or made to think of solutions myself. Was I being comforted or challenged. One thing I have learned, there really seems to be an art to the whole "redirect a question" concept. Lots to learn from it all. So, being a little OCD in the observation category is not that new, yet being that observant with myself is.
I have struggled with work since this summer. I have been apprehensive to really jump into projects and take on things as I always have. I am afraid of finding myself overwhelmed again and then not making a smart and healthy choice to deal with it (and unfortunately this relates to a lot of aspects of my life, not just work). There have been a lot of days where just coming to work was a huge achievement, yet you don't get healthier by hiding. I have done little things here and there to make it look good, yet I have let a lot of things really fall through the cracks. It has been frustrating. I find myself thinking "this isn't me" so many times. Throw in difficulties focusing and it has been quite the mental battle.
I have spent a lot of time in these past 6 months on day to day living, therefore I had decided that after break, I would just do what I had to do and jump back into things. I had to quit putting the rest of my life on hold because of fear of getting overwhelmed. At work, I would need to pull off some productive wins, if for no other reason than for my own self-satisfaction - I am my hardest critic after all. I had plenty of projects to do, I just would jump right into them. Time to just get over it and get on with it.
Yes, happy to be back to work and for the most part a good day, yet a lot of observations. I worked on a project today that normally takes me about 2 hours (and that is if I am taking my sweet time) to complete. It took me over 5 today. I could really feel a struggle so I just tried to figure out what was going on and how I could resolve it or manage it. It had nothing to do with the project itself, therefore, time to put those skills to work.
One of the first things I decided was that I would not beat myself up over this. It quickly became apparent that it was going to take a full day to complete my task - not a problem as I had the whole day to do it. I would do as much as I could, then if I needed a break, I would take one. No reason to get upset or mad, I would just let it happen as it happened. The only choice that was not an option was giving up and leaving.
I am realizing that is hard to focus on tasks for extended amounts of time (even aside from work). It is not that I start working on things and then start daydreaming, yet more like I start on things and after a time I start getting anxious and distracted. It is not even so much an "ants in your pants" antsy feeling, yet more of like things are closing in and I need some air. I used to be able to sit for hours and work on something, now I am good to get 20 minutes in.
Seeing that being judgmental with myself and getting frustrated was off the table, I would just get up and walk around a bit. Go upstairs and walk a lap, peek in the gym to see if any of the athletes were there, maybe get a drink, then come sit back down and get back to things. Getting up and moving seemed to help a lot. Sticking my head outside and getting some fresh air helped even more. This is where I need my neuroscience person to explain to me why that seems to be, yet since they are not in my rolodex anymore I guess researching that is just another project on my homework list. So, for today, I did a lot of up and down and it worked. There is something nice about working in the university environment - no one gets in a big hurry.
I have to remember that I knocked myself down pretty good this summer and it is going to feel different as I start doing things again. It is ok to feel a little apprehensive, yet I can't go avoiding and running away from things. Excuses are no longer allowed. I'm learning new ways of doing things, handling thoughts and emotions, looking at myself, and this is ok. Everything is different - it feels different, it looks different. Every day, life is different and it is good. Looking backwards to how things used to be and used to be done is not real effective as a lot of those practices don't necessarily work now. It is perfectly ok to come up with new ways to do things, it really is. It is a new day and a new adventure. I'm writing new chapters in my life everyday and the book is going to be amazing.
