Prophets of the Lord were sent among this civilization to teach them the Gospel and call them to repentance (there would be a mission call!). A large part of the population was converted and went to the Lord to ask for forgiveness. Knowing the death they had caused, they made a covenant with the Lord to never shed blood again, even if this meant giving their own lives. As a part of the covenant, this people, now calling themselves the people of Ammon (Ammon had been one of the prophets) decided to bury all their weapons of war as not to be tempted to take up arms and kill again.
Those who had not been converted were not pleased with this and came upon the people of Ammon to fight with them. Not fighting back, over a thousand were killed. Those attacking, when realizing that there was no fighting back, stopped, and many of them were converted that day as well.
This is a story we learn as kids in primary classes at church and is most times associated with lessons about honesty, keeping our word, courage, and changing our lives. It really can be used to teach a lot of life lessons.
Last week in session, the question came up about why everything has to be a war, fight, battle, etc. with me (I think I hit on this a bit in my 3 am post). Now, this is not the first time this has come up, nor the suggestion to modify, learn to live with, view differently, etc. Lisa used to ask me a lot, "Why is it always a life or death battle?" to which I never had an answer.
Truth is, at the end of the day, it is all I have known. Aside from all the reasons, feelings, emotions, and all, it simply comes down to this - it is what I have always done, I have not known how to go about it any other way. Sure, the suggestion of "manage" sounds great and although I may understand the logic behind that, I am not even sure where to start to try and go down that path. One of those "looks great on paper" things, and yet I am not sure how you take it from paper to action. After the question came back around last week, the story of the people of Ammon came to my mind and has stuck around since.
I thought about what it is that I am continually "fighting" - self-doubt and hate, self-destructive thoughts and behaviors, unhealthy addictions, anger. In my mind, these are not things to be taken lightly, it really is the all-or-nothing war to stay ahead of them. I feel that if I even stop to catch my breath, they can get the best of me. Even learning healthy skills, I still feel like I have to be on-guard all the time as to not let them get a cheap shot in. Yes, it is exhausting and it is how it has always been. If I stop, or look at these things "lightly", then how do I keep them from overpowering me? I just asked God, "if I am not supposed to fight, what am I supposed to do?" and went to sleep.
Although the medication has been helping with my over-active thoughts during the day, my brain still runs at full steam at night. What this means is that on a regular basis, whatever the last thing on my mind is when I fall asleep, is normally the first thing on my mind when I wake up. When I woke up the next day, I rolled over with one thought, bury them. I would like to tell you that I grabbed a piece of paper, wrote all these things down on it, ran outside, dug a hole threw it in (tossed a little lighter fluid and a flame in there while I was at it) and buried the hell out them. No, no such luck. I have walked around for a few days with that thought playing over and over in my mind, "bury them" and I keep coming back at it, "I don't understand how."
As a part of my being for so long, I am sure I view the doubt, thoughts, and anger, much larger than what they really are. I have been fighting them for so many years that I am not even sure what life would be like not to be in a battle with myself.
It's scary and there is a large part of myself that doesn't want to go at this change all alone and yet I know that I am the only one who can let the unhealthy thought and behavior patterns go. It has to be my choice. I have done well with this - the letting go - with several things, and yet now I am standing and facing the big obstacles.
This is where I just want someone to put their arms around me and tell me that it is going to be ok, that I can to do this, that I will be stronger from this. Tell me it is ok to be afraid and it is ok to worry. Then just sit there with me, letting me lean on their shoulder while it all sinks in, while I take that deep breath, while I try to find the words, "let's do this."
In the meantime though, the thought continues.......bury them.
