I cannot say that I have yet to come to a point where I regret taking class and to just clarify, I cannot say that I will come to one either. At some level I think that I have been living in a naive little bubble though. Somewhere I guess I had this notion that as I learn and grow and heal that things would, "from this point forward", would always be different. Yes, they are, do not get me wrong. Life is different and more enjoyable and livable and all these great wonderful things, and still it is real and habitual and selective. I may change, yet life is going to keep throwing the same things at me.
I never used to have a second thought about sacrificing something I wanted, something I was, something I enjoyed, etc. As I had said in class the other night - everyone else first and if there is anything left at the end, I will take it. If there is nothing left at the end, then that is fine as it is only me anyways. I don't know really why I have always been that way. I can make some guesses. I am sure it has a part to do with self-esteem and self-worth. Why should it bother a person to not enjoy or celebrate if they think they are not deserving of it? Most times I was fine with last (or none) as seeing the joy of others was enough to satisfy my own desires. Sure, it hurt and broke my heart, and yet that was just the way it was. Suck it up and move on. Call it a very unhealthy view and practice of the "better to give than receive" notion.
I am sure another part was just my quest to keep peace and not cause contention. I did (and still struggle at times with) this a lot. Take blame that isn't yours, or offer an apology that is not warranted, or give up something you may not want to, just to keep peace and things moving along. If there is even a small doubt in something or a hint of displeasure by another, take it on your own shoulders and make it better.
Now, let me note, this is not the "martyr syndrome" or at least I don't classify it as such. Sure, the actions sure seem like it and the difference is simple. I gave up/sacrificed quietly and tried to make sure that it was really not known that I had put aside myself or my desires. If it was known I had given something up, I always tried to make it seem as if it was not that important anyway - I lessened it as much as I could.
When you have the additional "look what I gave up so you could have" piece instead, we fall into the world of the martyr. The martyr, in my view, is looking to hand out some guilt with their sacrifice. Think of the Pharisees praying in public (Matthew 6:5). Warranted or not, you get a full dose of it free of charge, and they "get their reward". It is a fine line that you must be very aware of and very careful not to cross.
My greatest fear in this life is becoming prideful and/or selfish. I fear it so much I sit most times at the other end of the spectrum. I have learned that is not so healthy either and even with that knowledge it is hard to get too far from the seat on the end. How many steps toward the other side become one step too many? It is one of the struggles of healing as every time I add another piece to the "I am worthy" side I fear so much of crossing into "I am entitled." How much more dangerous does that path become when you start not wanting to give up things?
Apparently something has transpired to get this all riled up and in the forefront. I've spent two days at war with myself over it (and the weekend is not over yet!) and there are still not any final decisions made. Here is the problem - I don't want to give up something important to me this time and I could kick myself for even thinking that way.
Now, for the record, this not some life/death issue. I'm not selling my soul to the devil or engaging in illegal activity. It probably is not even that big of a deal, although it sure feels like it to me. It is just frustrating. What adds to the frustration is fear of talking about it. Remember, trying NOT to be the martyr and much beyond "I will make it work" feel like it teeters on that line. Who knew realizing you have value and worth would make life so much more difficult at times.
I have to chuckle as it just seems like another chapter in the eternal pissing match between God and myself. For a lot of years (enough that I have lost count) God likes to put me in situations and then sit back and ask, "are you going to choose yourself this time?" Only a very few have I not looked to the heavens and without a second thought, said simply, "no, I will not choose myself." On those rare occasions I did choose myself, it was kind of a one-shot deal. He doesn't seem to understand (or maybe He just doesn't like it) my simple explanation that when you choose others, you only risk hurting yourself. If you choose yourself, you risk hurting others. It's a sucky (yes, I just said sucky) decision to have to keep making.
A larger part of the day today has been sitting and thinking about how great it has been to learn and heal and realize I have value and worth and my wants, needs, and desires are just as valid as the next person's. Although I may not verbalize that (and sometimes not act on it), I really do believe it. It makes life amazing and it makes life a pain in the ass all at the same time.
I'm just frustrated and it is hitting all three roles. It validates that I actually do have a choice and that I my own self can be a valid choice. It communicates that I don't want to give in like I used to (although I will try not to show my frustration). It motivates me to work through it and weigh the choices and consequences and hopefully make a decision that works for everyone involved.
I am sure there is a compromise somewhere and I will make it work. I have said that so much in the past few days (that I would make it work) that now I feel like I really have to. For now, though, not much more can be done except call it a night and sleep on it a little more. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe a new way to look at things.
I will make it work. I always do.
