Today, for me, I:
Was not broken. I decided to give myself permission today to not be broken. I want (and need) to learn to accept that I have things wrong with me that I can't make go away (beat). For me, accepting this is not as simple as just saying it. I wish it were. I woke up this morning and decided that today I would try my best to not look at myself as broken. I was not sure how to look at myself, yet it would not be as broken, defective, being punished, or any other negative connotation.
I just continually kept telling myself all day long, "I am not broken." Then, if a negative thought crossed my mind, I would simply say it to myself even more. It has been said well over 100 times today, sometimes in my mind, sometimes out loud. I was a little surprised at just how often the negative thoughts are still rampant in my mind. I am not sure if it seemed more today because I was trying to think differently or if they are really that active.
I am not sure what the outcome of this will be, although I am hoping that the more I say it that it will become believable. Would not be the first time that trick has worked. Something deep down inside me must be happy for this activity, as many times today the thought kept crossing my mind, "Keep it up Blewy, you are getting there."
Had faith. It would be a complete understatement if I tried to express how not freaked out I have been about tomorrow. Another stress to my body, recovery, possibility of a lot of pain (including having to make the decision of medication vs. withdraws), having to ask people to come check on me, and all of that. Plus, just the very thought of the procedure itself does not produce warm fuzzies!
As I sat with my missionaries yesterday I was reminded to just have faith. As Elder Erickson said a prayer for me, I was reassured in my heart, that if I just kept my mind calm and quiet, and if I just remembered to have faith in the power God and Christ to watch over me and the medical staff, that all will be fine. It was comforting to receive a similar message in my email this evening.
We are told throughout the scriptures that our faith is a key to seeing blessings come. I hear it/read it often yet I am not sure I always put it to the test as I should. It is easy to just throw it out there, "sure I have faith" and then go on, almost the "whatever" saga. I've tried to be really aware of it this time. Since leaving yesterday, when a fearful thought has come to mind or if I started worrying, I just stopped and took a few breaths and told myself to have faith and don't worry, all was going to be just fine. Then I just let the worrying thoughts pass by....in one door and out the other.
Colored. Ok, well, I guess I should say "coloring" as it is an activity in process for the evening. I have computer work to finish up and then I plan on just letting the brain rest and be calm. I didn't buy new color books to just sit there and gather dust. Poor Clifford has already been subjected to getting a "Blewyhawk" - the best part about coloring, you can use your imagination all you want!
The day is far from over and therefore I continue to work on my activities. All I can say simply is that I am not broken, I have faith that I am going to be just fine tomorrow (and all is going to go well), and if anyone needs some art for their fridge or office, just let me know, I'll be glad to send you a colored page!!!
