As much as we have been taught to stop, breathe, and think, I find that once in a while, I still am quick to fall back into old behaviors and patterns. I want to jump to solving things like I did in the past, forgetting that I do not have to go down that road anymore. A part of me starts to dive into more destructive thoughts/behaviors while another part starts screaming, "wait!!! you don't have to do that!!!" Therefore, I may do something or say something, soon followed by smacking myself up the side of the head, and trying not to call myself a fool. Then I sit, think, ponder, plan, and all that stuff and come out with a solution that, if I would have just slowed down in the first place, I could have started with. I am glad people are patient with me.It is a continual learning process, as is life as a whole. I am doing better with being nicer to myself when I trip or stumble, yet even that takes some remembering. At times I get so frustrated with myself as I have come so far to be able to turn around, look back and see places with emotions and behaviors that I don't ever want to go back to. I often wonder, if I am away from them long enough, if they will kind of disappear as if they never existed. Possibly an unrealistic thought, and yet a hopeful one.
I keep telling myself to go for the good moments. As I am continually reminded to look for the good in each day, I am getting better at the task. It really isn't that looking for the good is harder, all it really requires is just a change of view. Yes, it is the classic glass half full/half empty concept. I'm going out on a limb and saying that even in bad, there is good. Even in the most horrific things in my life, good has come. It may be quite small and it may have taken years to show itself, yet the moments are there. It comes when you quit letting things destroy you, when you change how you look at them.I had an appointment today and we were talking quite a bit about class. We talked about what I had learned, how it had impacted my life, and how I have tried to make it a part of my everyday life. Just as it was a complete lifestyle change to get healthier physically, it has had to be the same commitment with my emotional health too. I am going to say I have done well with it and it can only continue to get better. I talked about how the most powerful thing I have learned above all of it is the power of choice. No matter what, *I* have the power to choose. I may not be able to control what life or others throw at me and that is ok because I have the power (and the right) to choose how I will react to it. It is a power that cannot be taken away from me.
There are peaceful moments, then there are moments of peace. Just a few seconds or so that cross your heart in unexpected times. They kind of come out of nowhere and for that moment, you smile or maybe even chuckle. Maybe it is remembering something, maybe it is just daydreaming, maybe it is observing life. It may only be a moment, and yet it comes with a small boost of comfort, joy, hope, or peace. It happens, you take a deep breath, you pause a little as to try and let it replay, and then go back to life. In the great scheme of things, it was like a hug from someone on the other side. At that moment, you were remembered and recognized and it felt amazing.My monitor at work has the following handwritten and taped to the top so I see it all the time, "I am ok and I am going to make it." I am going to be ok, actually I am going to be better than ok. I know, I have said that a lot in these writings, except most times it is just words. Words put down and repeated in hopes that it really would sink in and I could start to believe them. Words that could last for more than just a moment in need, if I will only continue to allow them.
I was told that it is going to be ok, that I can to do this, that I will be stronger from this. I was assured that it is ok to be afraid and it is ok to worry. I was encouraged to just let it all sink in and take that deep breath. I was told that I would not be sitting alone as I pondered.
Therefore, all I have left to say at the moment is simply, "let's do this."
