I survived

Thanks to a three-hour nap today and daylight savings (or is Spring the end of daylight savings time?) I am still awake at this "way past my bedtime" hour. I realized I have not written for a few days, so I will get some things down here.

So, I survived. I survived a lot this week. I guess my biggest win is that I survived myself and that got kind of questionable there at the beginning of the week and kind of lingered along as the days went on.

I did it though, topping it off with a new haircut on Friday (not sure what is up with my crazy hair cuts, yet I am having fun with it) and Saturday getting a new personal best at the 5k (52 flat!), spending time out and about with an old friend afterwards, and then bowling for two hours with the Charleston and Mattoon missionaries that night. Toss in raking out the ruts in the driveway for over an hour today and how I can even move is beyond me. Either Aleve really works that good or I am going to wake up in the morning and not be able to budge.

It actually has been a pretty good day. At some level I feel like I had a small grip on things. I'm sure that was just a fleeting moment. Kind of a cruel "look I'm dangling something really desirable in front of you but don't get overly excited because at some point I'm going to snag it away" moment. Yah, there is probably a lot wrong with that statement and I am learning that sometimes you just have to take that deep breath and throw how you really feel out there. Of course, you risk consequences of doing that and so you wait until early hours of the morning to do it via blogging. It's a great defense when it comes back to bite you in the tail - I was exhausted and did not know what I was saying!

Class fell into that double-emotion category this week. It was difficult to get through and it was fun at the same time. Let me just say that even on the most difficult nights, class is always fun. You never leave without learning something - whether you want to learn or not.

We are in our last section now - interpersonal effectiveness. I know I have mentioned this a bit already and I am possibly in a little better place emotionally to talk about it than before. I was telling our missionaries about it in my weekly email I send out to them all and noted that I think it is the toughest of all we have learned so far simply because it is so personally direct.

The idea (I hope I am perceiving this correctly) is to teach you how to have effective interactions with other people. It is built on the idea that every interaction has a purpose, so whether you are asking where the bathroom is or asking for help for a personal need, there is kind of pattern.

We have learned that there are 3 goals to any interaction – getting your objections met, getting/keeping a good relationship, and keeping/improving self-respect. And which goal takes top priority depends on the interaction. Sometimes it is most important to get your objective met, other times it may be to keep peace between you and the person you are interacting with. Sounds pretty easy so far, eh?

The thing is, this is the section where you learn to ask, including for things for your personal self. When you have developed the mindset that you don’t ask for help, your problems are your problems, asking for help from others is putting a burden on them, and more, it takes a lot out of you to try and think differently. Again, it is like trying to teach Pavlov’s dog to NOT salivate at the sound of the bell.

It is also having to realize that you are worthy enough (self-respect) to not only ask for things for yourself and that you really do have the right to ask. Since we all know that asking for help is my best characteristic, you can understand a bit why this section is a little rough. There is part of the "this is rough" that I can't ever really explain in words. I'm finding that this section is stirring up more of the self-doubt demons than the other ones did. Seems like at times when I get in a good place with myself I am getting more of the, "oh yah? Just wait" replies again. I exclaim, "I AM OF WORTH" and I get a reverberating, "not for long" in response.

I remember several years ago I spent the night at a friend's house. The next morning the mom made this full breakfast. As we were at the table serving ourselves, there was a plate of fried eggs. Everyone was just grabbing and egg of the stack and I just sat there. They were like "just grab one" to which I replied "if I grab that egg with my fingers, my mother is going to sit up in bed and know I did it" as I had been raised that when you a guest you use all your manners, no matter what everyone else did. There was no way I was going to grab that with my bare hand. They gave me grief, then got a fork for the eggs.

That's about the best comparison I can come up with. There is a part of me that is "afraid" (not sure what other word to use here) that if I step out of what I have come to know (although not real healthy), someone/something is going to be waiting to put me back in my place. Even as tough as emotional regulation was, there was not this deep-set of a fear for taking that leap of faith.

I have been asked often why I have so much of a "on my own" mind-set. Whether it is learning something, fixing something, changing something. I have that willful, I am the one who has to do it, stubborn attitude. There is a part of it that I think is just self-satisfaction. To take something challenging and complete it without having to ask for help brings some pride. When you struggle with self-esteem, those moments are more golden than one realizes. The smallest task can be a huge positive to a doubting soul. With that, having to ask for help to complete something, quickly brings in emotions and thoughts of failure and incompetence. You were not strong enough, good enough, smart enough, etc to complete it on your own.

Then we can play the "even if you did not have the knowledge/tools/skill" card. No, in reality, that just fuels it even more. Personal frustration based upon an unrealistic concept. [Nope, not really sure what that is supposed to mean other than it sounded really good] Don't have the skill/knowledge/tools, then use my brain and figure it out. Find a way to learn it, what you are supposed to use, and how to use it - and don't go bugging someone for the answers. Figure it out yourself.

Surprisingly, though, there are the "hey, I'm working on [whatever], you want to hang out and be adventurous with me?" moments. Ok, so I am not sure how to explain the difference between "I need help" and "do you want to come help me" yet there is a huge difference.

Yah. Really deep thought and behavior patterns. Once again, much more that I realized. I do sometimes wonder if there was any healthy patterns in there to start with. For someone with an IQ as high as mine, I feel I should have been on top of this long before now. Then again, don't they say that Einstein was a little mentally tormented??

So with 3 am rolling in, it is time to call it a night. It will be a quick 3.5 hours of sleep before I get up for cinnamon roll Monday and that is ok, it has been a good weekend. You just try to hang onto those good moments as long as you can.

So tomorrow (or today if you want to get technical) starts a new week. It will be better and I can't really let myself sit back and play the compare game. Every day is a new day and whatever yesterday - or last week - was, it was. I can't change it and I can be happy I survived to tell about it. It had some really rough moments and it has some really great ones too. Maybe the rough ones made the great ones even greater this time.