I'm taking this time to revisit the phrase for a couple reasons. One, I continue to work through things by writing about them. I am finding that as I take time to "talk" about them, I feel I view them a bit differently. My little place to scribble notes and formulas and thoughts and erase and add and edit until I get a better view of it. The other reason, what I said and how it came across did not seem to exactly sync. Since I am not quite to that place where I should have spoken up and said, "that isn't really what I meant," I bring it to my little whiteboard to see what sense I can try and make of it myself. I'm not out to advocate or oppose anything, I'm just taking thoughts in my mind and trying to make something of them.
As always, at the end of writing I will have a choice of what I will do with the memories from the past, how I will let these things affect me from here forward, and what my next move will be.
We have an older couple at church and the man is very, very demanding. When they moved into the congregation he wanted some work done at his house and demanded the church do it for him. There was not an immediate need for the work and it was not any kind of a "life or death" type thing. He wanted it done, he felt entitled to have it done, and he demanded it be done until it finally got done just to get him to shut up. Due to his demands, he earned a lot of "labels" and was put in a lot of "classifications".
At this same time, I needed a ramp built for my porch. My physical health was at a point I could barely climb stairs. As well, at that time, my mom still had plans of being in the area post retirement and her physical heath was not great either. I had stairs that had been built and due to my falling on them earlier, they were in need of being replaced.
With the need and circumstance I was in, I had every right to ask for help from the church to build the ramp. I wasn't looking for help financially, I just needed help physically building it. I refused to ask. I did not want to be classified anywhere near the same column as the gentleman who was on the demanding rampage. Now, whether I would have been or not, is a different thing. In my mind, his actions (which had included comments such as "well, you helped this person" and the reactions of others to him had put out a strong signal that I interpreted simply as "don't ask" and so I did not. I did not want to become "you helped her, you have to help me" fodder with the other situation, and I had no desire to be placed in the same category because I asked for help.
Now, I did finally accept an offer from someone to come and shore up the porch and build the ramp and that is a whole other story in itself. On the bright side, we got through that year with the bad steps, then mom moved, I lost weight, there was not the immediate need for the ramp anymore. I built a new set of steps and the two lone posts in the front lawn with a concrete slab have just become a standing monument to why I don't ask for help.
Think for a moment, have you ever been asked who a person is like? An example would be when I took over as Relief Society president, there were several of the women on the membership records that I did not know. In inquiring of them I would often hear, "Oh, they are like [enter person's name or a family name]" which generally was a more negative thing than positive. The saddest is that we had many of the ladies who were dealing with psychological issues and so I got a lot of "oh they are as crazy as ___________" and once again, the classification system was there. It seemed that struggles were made a joke of more than they were taken seriously. I can only hope that during my tenure, I was able to get that attitude/view changed. When I had my setback this summer, I needed help. Aside from the emotional and physical help, I needed some strong spiritual first aid as well. I refused to ask. Three and a half months after the fact, I had to let someone know what was going on and I finally went in and talked with our church leader about things.
When asked why I did not say anything before, my reply was simple. First, I was dealing with psychological issues (and had been for years) and the fear of being the next "oh she's as crazy as _______________" was enough to keep me suffering in silence. I did not want to be the next joke or person used as a comparison.
As well, the responsibility I had as president put a lot of demand on me. When there was a need with the ladies, I was the first called. I had a fear that if leadership knew I was struggling, when there was a need, there would have been a hesitation to contact me. The possibility of someone having the thought, "she's struggling, let's not bother her with this" kept me from saying anything.
People treat you different when you ask for help for yourself. This isn't "I need to a hammer" kind of ask for help (although I would probably go buy one before asking to borrow one) this is, I have a serious need for compassionate help. You suddenly become "fragile" and people change the way they talk to you and act around you. You just want things to go on as normal and asking for that is almost more of a demand than the original request for help.
I had a good friend (yes, I had stepped out of my comfort zone and made a new friend about a year ago) who knew something was wrong this summer and wanted to help. She wanted to know what she could do to help me and what had happened. She genuinely wanted to help as a friend. I finally told her that I would share only if she could promise she would not treat me different. I shared with her, and I leaned on her for support, and to this day I regret ever opening my mouth. The loss of that close friendship was not worth it.
So, yes, there are people who take your request for help and and they label you and they treat you differently and it hurts. You become hesitant and protective. Granted, I cannot control how people react and think. I know this. What I can control is what I put out there. Therefore, when you think of it, "If I ask for help, I will be treated differently" is not 100% a myth. Sadly, especially when it is compassionate help being sought, it carries a high reality percentage.
Therefore, what will I do about it all? There really isn't much I can do other than decide how I will react from here forward. Does that mean I will start asking for help for all my needs and not be hesitant? Oh, no, not a chance, at least not to that extreme. I think the first step is not immediately shutting down and putting a wall up. At least leave a possibility out there. I have to remember that I have the same right to ask for a need to be met as the next person does. Even if I don't actually ask, just admitting that I do have that right is a big step.It will come. It is, slowly. Things are changing every day and this is good. Sometimes there is a struggle between letting go of the past and embracing the future. I'm sure the answer is a lot of willingness and trust....in yourself. I know what to do, I just have to keep telling myself I have the ability to do it. Change the myths, embrace the challenges, live the affirmations.
